Purge. Purge. Purge. You have to Purge. You have to Purge Everything. You ate too much today. You didn’t exercise enough today. Today, you are ugly. Today you can feel the fat building up on the bones that I should see protruding through only skin... not fat. Today you are a failure. Today was a waste of a day, a waste of a chance to be beautiful. Today you took twenty steps backwards in becoming worthy of life, of affection, of love. Tomorrow you will work harder, harder then you ever have before.
If I’m not thinking about weight or food, I must be in a coma or dead. My anxiety has immobilized me today. I’ve found myself totally consumed with ED more so than most days. Usually after really great weekends this happens. I just get engulfed with sadness as if I have to compensate for any good feeling that I had this weekend. I’m constantly trying to purge everything out of me. Food, calories, fat, emotions, thoughts, everything. I can never get enough out. I can’t stop, These thoughts are like a cancer pumping through my veins and ruining my entire body. My entire life. As I faintly whisper the words “I surrender” from my tired body, the thoughts just get more forceful, more destructive. When I stop myself from bingeing and purging, I think I’ve done something good. Really, I’ve swapped it for the alter ego of Restricting. It’s a sick never ending cycle. The thing I thought I had the most control over in my life is controlling me to the bitter bitter end. Anyone who thinks this is a choice, it’s not. It is the farthest thing from a choice. I in no way woke up when I was 12 and aspired to be a 26 year old named ED. I know what I’m doing is unhealthy and disgusting, I very literally can not stop. I don’t know how. This is why I am seeking help in anyway possible. This is why I will be living in a hospital soon. This is why I have started this blog. I want... I need people to be aware that this is not a life to yearn for. Anyone who appallingly wishes to have an eating disorder (sadly, they are out there) need to understand this is not a lifestyle chosen, it is a battle. A battle that I am living with perpetual shame and am terrorized with every minute... every second, of every single day. A battle in which I will fight to the death if I have to. A battle that I need to fight or it will forever run, and destroy my life, my relationships and my every ambition. If this was a choice, my choice, I would not for a second longer think about food. I would be living the life of a “normal” 26 year old woman (whatever that is). I wouldn’t be standing in front of mirrors crying every day, counting every calorie in and every calorie out, wondering when I’ll be skinny enough to be loved.
I often sit and wonder... who the fuck do I think I am, slowly killing myself. As I sit and self destruct there are people in this world fighting for their every breath. Who would give anything for one more day with their families, one more chance to tell their loved ones that everything in the end will be okay. Don’t think for a moment that I don’t think these things like many of you most likely do about me. Thinking about this doesn’t prove to help me though, I wish it did. It only makes me feel more guilty resulting in me tumbling full speed farther down the hill then I already am. The thing is, having an eating disorder is just like any other disease. It’s just not socially accepted as a disease. Eating Disorders have the highest mortality rate within any mental illness. If everyone just accepted it as a real life struggle, and t.v. stopped glorifying it so much, maybe this wouldn’t be the case anymore. It’s truly time to make more people aware of this. If I happen to fail, if I happen to not be able to come out on top, I hope with every ounce of my soul I can help someone else win their fight. This is my plan.
No comments:
Post a Comment