Everything I'm Not Is What's Beautiful

Should I leave this earth prematurely, do not cry or me, for I could not find the strength to rid myself of my sickness.


I'm exhausted, not because insomnia breeds deep within sleep time, but because exerting so much energy into being sick is a full time job and I don't know how to give my notice, or if I will ever be able to. 
I'm not going to win so I'm going to live my life in the kindest way possible to others because I've never learned how to be kind to myself. I'm going to live honestly and genuinely to those who surround me because I can't give the same to me. 


Ed has won. 


I'm tired of fighting a losing battle, of my weakness being proven over and over again. Of my desire to stay sick overpowering my will to get better.  


Show me how it's done again Ed. 


I'll follow you where you need me to go.


*You have my heart, my soul, my whole life.*

.

LOVE.                                  DEFEAT.                                                                                


CONTROL.
                                                                                   HUNGER.
PASSION.                                                                                           OBSESSION. 
                                                                                 NEED. WANT.
                                                        HATE.                           COMFORT.
             STARVATION.
                                        INTEGRITY.
                                                                  BEAUTY. PERFECTION.
                     SAFETY.                                                                                           ELOQUENCE.

                                                              PURGE. RESTRICT. WAR.
DEATH.                                     LIFE.                                                                               


                                                                             FIGHT. 
                                                                                                          COMPETE. COMPARE.
 FEAR.                                               INSANITY.
                          DISGUST.
           GUARDED.                                                                                              HURT.
                                                                                 ABUSED. SHAME. SABOTAGE. DEMEANED.
 SCALE. FAT.
                               HARM. SKINNY. FRAGILE. 


                                                                                                                                  SECRETS.

JUST LOVE ME 

Food For Thought

food |foōd|nounany nutritious substance that people or animals eat or drink, or that plants absorb, in order to maintain life and growth PHRASESfood for thought something that warrants serious consideration.
Food is the foundation of life. Food is what keeps us alive, keeps us healthy, sane and energized. It's the topic of countless conversations, events, blogs, and movies. It's everywhere.
In a world where estranging yourself from food is highly frowned upon, some (a lot) will silently praise the will power of those who can "control themselves". I find myself torn, day in and day out, as being around food is intensely difficult. The substance itself is my fear, my nemesis, my hate.
I sit here and ponder what would it would be like to not think about it every second, of every hour, of every day. I can't believe I wont ever pick up a portion of food and not think about what I am delivering into my body. With every bite there is regret, with every small hard swallow there is guilt, and at the end of the entire process, there is utter shame that I, with so much "control", couldn't control myself enough to not eat what I had just eaten. I can literally feel the food traveling through my body, on to my bones, into my stomach, packing on the pounds that I so desperately need to remove, not add. 
So how do I distance myself from these thoughts. How do I remove myself from this sickness when I know how to align myself with it so well. I know I need to separate myself from Ed but the harder I fight, the louder it gets in my head and my own thoughts don't matter. Part of me wishes I never found it within myself to know that I was sick. There would be no fight to fight. Another part of me wishes I was addicted to drugs or alcohol. In order to get away from those, you literally need to not be anywhere near them. Recovering from an eating disorder though, I need to be around food all the time and be okay with it. I'm exhausted from battling myself and my eating disorder. I'm drained, defeated, and I'm wondering if there is any fight left in my tired body. Maybe it's just time to give in to Ed and let him run the show.