...

How did I let myself get here? To this point? To this point of self destruction where I fear I will never escape from. Where I wont get out alive.


How?

Happy Fathers Day... (Even To The Non-Dads)

 Missing You

No words I write can ever say

How much I miss you every day. 

As time goes by, the loneliness grows; 

How I miss you, nobody knows! 

I think of you in silence, 

I often speak your name,

But all I have are memories 

And photos in a frame. 

No one knows my sorrow, 

No one sees me weep, 

But the love I have for you

Is in my heart to keep. 

I've never stopped loving you

I'm sure I never will;

Deep inside my heart,

You are with me still. 

Heartaches in this world are many

But mine is worse than any. 

My heart still aches as I whisper low,

"I need you and I miss you so." 

The things we feel so deeply 

Are often the hardest to say, 

But I just can't keep quiet any more, 

So I'll tell you anyway.

There is a place in my heart

That no one else can fill; 

I love you so, Dad, 

And I always will. 

Author Unknown

   Time Doesn't heal all wounds. All time does is make the pain easier to bare, because it will never truly ever go away. The city is quieter than usual today. That may only be my own perception because I so desperately wish I had the opportunity to visit my Dad for brunch and tell him how much I miss him. I suppose I just have to settle for sobbing on my bathroom floor whispering through each tear "I miss you so much." I do miss him so much. 

   I'm going to try to keep this short and sweet. 

   While everyday is unknown, I can pinpoint the few days in the year that I know without a shadow of a doubt I will have a hard time getting through. Father's Day is one of them. The weeks leading up to today don't help either. Mass marketing is a bitch. With the week I've had, it hasn't made today any easier. 

I'm going to try and celebrate the male figures I do have in my life though. Like:

   Scott... The man who I look up to more than anyone in the world and knows all there is to know about anything. (I would never tell him that though, shhh) His happiness means more to me than my own, his love I know is unconditional, and if I'm ever in any kind of doubt, I know where to go. Thank you for always challenging me. 

   Jeff... Him, and his pup both have my heart. If I'm ever at a loss for where I belong in life at any given time, I'm assured without even needing to ask that I am a part of this family. A pseudo daughter if you will. We'll always share a love for anything coffee or wine related... and memories of being venturied. (Is that a word?) Thank you for loving me.

And lastly... 

   Steve... My pop's oldest and best friend. The love I have for this man is uncanny. I could sit for hours upon hours and just listen to how wonderful a person my father really was. Steve... Words can't even explain what having you in my life still, means. Thank you for making me feel close to my Dad when I need it most.

   So today, let's celebrate and appreciate the three most important men in my life, and all the important men in yours. This is for all the wonderful Dad's and step Dad's out there. For all the Dad's to be and all the Dad's that once were. For all the Son's and Daughters who have lost their Dad's and all the Dad's who lost a child that would love anything more than to give them a warm embrace on this sunny day. Lastly, this is for my Pops. Today, today I am going to celebrate you more than anyone. Today I will love you more than I did yesterday and I will smile for you through tears. Today I will miss you and hurt for you. Today I will do better for you and try to make you proud. Today I will replay "Bittersweet Symphony" in my head and remember you breakdancing to it. Today I will keep you in my thoughts, and in my heart forever.  

   As it so often happens, please don't take your Dad for granted as I'm sure I did. Love him, love him more than you've loved anyone. Thank him. Tell him you appreciate him. Be patient and know that he is doing the best that he can for you. Know that no matter what, he loves you too. 

   Missing you more than ever Dad. Forever and for always, I love you. <3

Such an old picture, I wasn't even born when it was taken. But I love it, and his smile, and him.

Falling Off Track

 Through closed eyes I could see a quick flash of light and then I heard it, the booming angry growl of the thunder. Gently shaking my house, hearing my wine glasses subtly clang together I could only think of one thing. “I know how you feel weather, I’m trying to get my voice heard too.” Listening to the sweet rain fall on the roof tops, I feel just as grey inside my soul this morning as it is outside. Instantly anxiety fills my body and uncontrollable thoughts enter my brain. Did I exercise enough last night to make up for what I ate. Did I restrict long enough. Should I have purged more. I can’t see my ribs anymore, how could I have possibly let this happen. And there it is, Ed is back full force with a vengeance. *Go away Ed. It’s too early for this, please... PLEASE leave me alone for at least another 5 minutes.* No such luck, Ed is like that annoying alarm clock setting that everyone hates but we all set because we know it will wake us. I just want to staple my duvet over my head today and stay sad with the weather. I’m too fat to get out of bed. Days like these make it known that Ed lives inside of me. Last night was a bad night, old habits coming back and symptom after symptom playing out over and over like a bad Hanson album accidentally stuck on repeat. I’ll never be able to do enough jumping jacks and running on the spot to feel I sufficiently excreted every calorie consumed. I’ll never be able to count enough ribs, I’ll never see a number on the scale that is a cause for a celebration. Even if I reach that “goal weight” that is always in the back of my mind, even on good days, it wont be thin enough. This is after all why I started recovery... isn’t it? I can’t bring myself to find the strength to pull me from the comfort of bed just yet, so I picked up a pen instead. If I can just bleed my emotions onto blank white paper, maybe I’ll feel a little better. Maybe Ed will remain on the page instead of being the lump in my throat for today. Every morning I wake up and tell myself to be happy. If I don’t make the conscience effort, it will forever be raining in my soul. I have to work harder than most to stay happy, believe in life, and to know that no matter what happens, I’ll never be in the same place I began. So when I open my eyes in the first few moments of waking, I turn over and see this...   

When I look in the mirror and hate who I'm staring back at, I see this...

Everywhere I go in my apartment is a reminder of why I want to recover, of why I want to be a part of the beauty of the future... 

 

Finding inspiration in a simple water bottle...






Or the most ridiculous photos I have on my phone that no one but me thinks is hilarious...

Or just a friendly reminder of the truest statement of all...

The rain is slowing and the thunder has left. I think I see the sun trying to grace us with it’s charm.

 


                                                    ...that’s my cue to get up.

Making Our Lives Available To Others

This was quite helpful to me today.

One of the arguments we often use for not writing is this: "I have nothing original to say. Whatever I might say, someone else has already said it, and better than I will ever be able to." This, however, is not a good argument for not writing. Each human person is unique and original, and nobody has lived what we have lived. Furthermore, what we have lived, we have lived not just for ourselves but for others as well. Writing can be a very creative and invigorating way to make our lives available to ourselves and to others.

We have to trust that our stories deserve to be told. We may discover that the better we tell our stories the better we will want to live them.

- Henri Nouwen

Trekking On

   I know I keep saying it, but I'm going to say it again. I'm having a hard time coming up with new things to write about. 
   
   I keep making plans with a girlfriend and it never seems to work out that we get together and without fail a few days later I see her randomly on the street, or in the case of tonight, while I am sitting at starbucks  stressing incessantly about everything life related. Enthralled in my computer screen, what I thought was some random girl sitting down in front of me, I was about to ask her what she would like, I looked up and it was the friend I keep making plans with. The universe is clearly informing me that her and I need to follow through with our plans. In a short chat I got some pretty fabulous advice from this wonderful girl. One of the only ways to let go of Ed, is to find something that I love even more. Something that is going to take up as much time and brain power as my eating disorder has. Essentially, something that is going to give me as much love and comfort and security... in a powerfully more positive way. (Thank You for the advice, I needed to hear that, at this exact moment) It's not really news to me. It's something I'm aware of, but it is always reassuring to hear it from someone I know, I respect and who I have such admiration for. It's just nice to hear from someone who "gets it". 
  
 On another note...


   I'm finding the only way to let amazing things into your life is to eliminate the negative. I recently made the decision to release something very toxic from my life. Something that I can only classify as being imprisoned by. I wasn't ever myself, I was extremely harmful to myself when things went wrong, and I based a lot of my happiness upon it. "It" is essentially a person but... it wasn't the person. Does that make sense? Let me explain. What I was so invested in wasn't the person, it was the feeling. It was the routine, it was the constant. It was my eating disorder telling me I needed this person in my life because I didn't deserve to be treated any better. I didn't deserve better. I decided that I do. I can only say that it was the hardest decision I've made in a long time, and my heart breaks every day over it because I can't have a friendship with this person til I get my shit together. I hate being this sick. I can tell you though that the very next day... literally the very next day, something wonderful was welcomed into my life, and I allowed myself to embrace it. Who's to say that it will stay, or for how long, but it's been years since I have accepted something that I so desperately want and so incredibly deserve. I'm just looking forward to relishing in the comfort of potential happiness. 
   A lot of things seem to be falling into place and falling completely out of place for me. Which makes for a huge tangle of emotions and stress that I'm learning everyday how to deal with. A lot of great things are happening, a fabulous opportunity to start a beautiful project, opening up myself to new people, and actually making connections, with people as opposed to just "things". So it is true that once you release the negative, great things start happening. It would be amazing to say that dealing with happiness is way easier to comprehend and handle but that's a lie. I'm having just as hard a time dealing with amazing as I do with handling sadness. Obviously it's just emotion... of any kind... that I can't tackle.


One Day At A Time....


... That thing I love more than Ed, I feel is somewhere out there.