Thats That

Recovery isn't in the cards for me, it's just not.

I'm starting to be okay with that.

I know Ed doesn't define me.

Ugh

And before I knew it...

I was chugging the water...

That Girl

I was leafing through one of my many books tonight and came across this. I wrote it last year and for reasons wasn't ready to share it. But I think I am now, simply because I haven't engaged in some of this behaviors for quite some time now.


I'm the girl who will bring you home a gift, just because; even if you may not deserve it. I'm the girl who will give you the shirt off my back if you need it. Tell you the truth no matter what and will give you love when it's called for. I'm that girl who will do everything and ask for nothing. I'm the girl who forgives always, forgets never, and gives everyone the benefit of the doubt. I'm the girl who will hug you when you're crying, laugh with you when something is funny and be straight with you when you ask.

*I'm the girl no one sees this in*

I'm the quiet girl in the corner slowly dying.
I'm the pained girl on the bathroom floor with mascara running down my face and a knife in my hand.
I'm the broken girl who can only find relief when blood is dripping from my leg.
I'm the girl who needs to hurt physically because I can't stand the hurt in my soul.
I'm the girl smiling because I don't want you to see me breaking.
I'm the liar that says "I'm getting better" "everything's great" "I'm fine, thanks", because I don't want to burden anyone with having to help me.
I'm the girl with so many ambitions that won't see the light of day because I'm too sick.

*I'm the girl no one sees this in*
*I'm the girl no one knows*
*I'm the girl who needs saving but doesn't want to be saved*

I'm that girl that you say... "Oh, ya, I remember her... I think..."

Believe It

Last year I met an incredible girl in group. Every time she spoke, my heart broke. For her stories, for her struggles and simply because of the pain she exuded. Possibly, why I felt so broken when she spoke was because I resonated with her life so much, I could relate to so much and yet, I could never speak as freely as she could.
I have this compulsion with wanting people to know they are important, to try to put a smile on their face and let them know it'll all be okay. I came to group one day with this framed, that I wrote for her, to look at everyday...

Tell yourself everyday how beautiful you are. How worthy and good you are. How much you deserve this for you.
Find your passion and run with it.
You can do this.
The journey will be long, it will be hard, messy and chaotic.
But...
It will be beautiful, and at the end of the struggle there will be
Greatness.

I Believe In You!
When you can't believe in you, know that someone out there is believing in you, for you.
Trust in your strength and courage and ability.
Open your eyes to a world of living WITHOUT Ed!
Open your heart to love.
Open your mind to possibility!

*We must face tomorrow, whatever may come, with determination, joy and bravery*

*Your life is an occasion... rise to it*

Like I said the other day, I'm good at preaching and helping others. I wonder how long it's going to take for me to grasp onto my own advice. To look at this for myself and believe I deserve it too.
I still worry about her...
And to anyone out there struggling, I invite you to read this everyday and know that you too, are worth the world.

Wouldn't That Be Nice?

I wish I could take a magic pill and forget everything that has happened in the last four years.

Heal.

And then remember it all over again, be strong enough to feel it, deal with it and own it.

You Think You Know, Eh?

My hope through beginning a blog was essentially to change the way people view eating disorders, first and foremost. My second hope was to maybe find a certain level of healing and comfort by finding the courage to make an extremely private story, so incredibly public.
I have reason to believe I have yet to accomplish either goal, with the exception of blatantly exposing my ridiculous life. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all.

Unless you have personally lived through something, you can not feel it with every single fibre inside your soul. It is virtually impossible. To change an individuals outlook on a certain topic generally proves to be quite difficult. To make people passionate about changing the way, say eating disorders are looked at, is an entirely different story altogether.

It's not a diet gone astray, it's a death sentence being lived out. We're not picky eaters, we're petrified of what you just placed in front of us. We're not anti social, we're trapped behind bars inside a very tiny jail cell. Just eat, you say... Just dive into that concrete pavement from 5000ft above, we say back. We don't know how yet. And you won't. We're not "stupid girls" or vain, get to know us and we probably possess more intelligence then you ever thought possible. You know, once you can look past the whole ED thing. I've met countless people effected by an eating disorder who are some of the smartest, most kind hearted caring people I have ever met in my life. Should we know better? Yes. Do we? Sometimes. It's not entirely about being convinced "that voice" that perpetually taunts us day after day, is lying to us. It's about learning to believe that what we are being bullied into hearing All. Day. Long. Isn't actually true. To somehow look deeper into the mirror, deeper into ourselves, directly from the borrowed eyes of another and see what they so clearly see for a change. That maybe... Possibly... We are good enough in every way possible by just being us. It's about wanting to be good. Needing to feel loved unconditionally. Thriving on human contact that we tend to run from whenever it presents itself anyway. I can preach, man can I preach. And I can give advice to another. But I can't believe it for myself. I say I know. I know I should know, but I don't know anything. I just so desperately want to believe that the thoughts I'm being ambushed with aren't real, aren't true, or that some day they will indeed be silenced without my having to try so hard to shut them up. I feel crazy sometimes. When I despise who is glaring back at me, it's impossible to believe anything remotely good at all. I crave to be a good person. Pure and loved. But when things go askew, I believe anything but and the only thing that I can make sense of is turning to what I know, my eating disorder. Somedays I really do feel alright, somewhat normal. In times of stress, uncertainty, or hardship though, I haven't a clue how to deal but to try as hard as possible to fade away as quick as I can. To become smaller, unseen, invisible.
Light as a feather, I'll be.
It's incredibly easy when the eating disorder has always been here in times of need. To numb me out when I refuse to feel. To have Ed, so consistently, so utterly punctual, so goddamn reliable. It's so easy when I find myself distraught, sitting in my apartment seemingly alone, and I turn to look and He's the only thing sitting next to me. He's so conveniently accessible in moments of hurt. Ed, I believe he's actually saved my life at times when I believed I couldn't get though what was happening to me. He must care, right? How do you learn to separate from something so controlled?

Now tell me again it's just another fad diet gone a bit too far...