My Last Post...

I wanted to create a view of me that wasn't related to my eating disorder, so that's what I published below. I've decided to take a hiatus from blog writing and focus on everything positive in my life. If you met me tomorrow you would have no idea that I am effected by Ed. You can't hear Him, you certainly can't see Him and I never ever talk about him. My last few posts have just become more negative and that is only going to turn me into the self that I was almost two years ago. I'm not aiming for sadness, I'm striving for greatness. I need to move forward in life and excel. My eating disorder is a part of me, yes, but it's not the entire part. I believe with my whole heart that I can accomplish many great things in this life with or without Ed. Maybe I'm being naive to think that I can move forward without dealing with this first. Maybe I'm being ignorant in thinking that it's not always going to be a problem and it effects me in so many ways. I know it effects me straight to the bottom of my soul, but it's just one thing. One thing that I don't want. If I continue to focus on what I don't want though, that's all I'm going to get. If I keep writing about the negative impacts my eating disorder has on my life, that's surly all I'm going to get out of life. Negative breeds negative. Whether I find greatness and achieve all I want to achieve and Ed simply disappears because he no longer has a purpose in my life anymore, or he will always be that voice deep within my mind telling me that I need to be thinner, I need to believe that this isn't all there is.

Lately I sit down to write, and I draw a complete blank. I focus so much on what I should be writing about where it hits a point that all I am now thinking in the moment is Ed. Whenever I try to recover, Ed consumes me. Ed gets Louder, and Louder, and Louder. I then fall into some deep dark hole that is often too difficult for me to get out of. My intent now is to better myself, better my life and focus on tangible goals that I do want. Not the one thing I need to get rid of. My hope is that I will create this fantastic life for myself that I can't help but want to be a part of. 

I made a change to my blog recently, for a couple of reasons... It just looks happier now. Also, I couldn't in good conscience anymore write under the heading "Breaking Up With Ed" when I have been doing anything but. Maybe I just need some time away from looking at my blog. Away from thinking about Ed. Maybe in a month, or six months, I can come back and write again. Or MAYBE I can develop an entirely different blog. After all, writing lives inside of me. With or without Ed, words will forever be a part of me. I have too much to live for to allow something that doesn't define me, break me.

So with a re vamped blog look that will be warmly neglected for the next little while and a lot of love in my heart, I shall be off. Please send nothing but good vibes my way. I leave with nothing but warm wishes and love your way. 

*Where there is love, there is life*

A Different Side

My eating disorder doesn't define who I am, but it most definitely defines who I am, to you. 

I haven't allowed my true self to extend from my fingers to the page, I have only allowed a small glimpse into my life that is needless to say, slightly less than positive.

There is so much more to me than this though, whether you know me or not...

*I have an insane amount of love and respect for yoga, I learn a new life lesson and do my best to apply it to my life every time I go. Starting yoga could quite possibly be the best thing I ever did for myself.

*In a matter of eight days I will officially be a Certified Image Consultant. This will be the first thing in my adult life that I have completed all the way through, and that I am so so sure of, I couldn't be more thrilled.

*I believe Hate and Anger are the two most useless human emotions one could attain. At the end of the day they hurt you and you only.

*I do my best not to judge anyone in a negative way. People tend to surprise me at every corner turned.

*I have one great love and soul mate and his name isn't ED. From before I even had the chance to visit, I fell in love with New York City and since I was 18 every chance I have to travel, it's where I end up.

*I want a career in fashion and a way to effect those around me in the most positive way possible. To empower everyone to be their most authentic best self they can be. I really believe the two can coincide in some way.

*I have the biggest fear of public speaking and I tend to think of myself as socially awkward. My job is to actually talk to people all day long, go figure.

*I can plan some pretty fantastic events. I held a fundraiser for Sick Kids Hospital a few years back with only a few weeks to plan and raised $2,500.00 along with gathering donated bags and bags full of kids toys for Christmas. It's been the second thing I'm most proud of. The first...? Two weeks after the earthquake in Haiti, I put together a Charity Event and Silent Auction with the help of one of my managers at work. My ex boyfriend has extremely close ties to Haiti and I felt it was the least I could do. The amount of people that came together in that moment still makes me cry. By the end of the night tons of prizes were won, a lot of beer was drank and we raised just shy of $10,000.00. It was pretty incredible.

*I can't stand gossip, placing labels on people or talking about people negatively just for the sake of it. I can't change what other people do or talk about but I walk away when I can, say something positive about the person or just smile and nod.

*I have an addiction to social media. I love to *Tweet* and probably annoy my Facebook friends with useless updates.

*I'd rather spend a night in Barrie or Bradford with my aunts, uncles and cousins than spend it painting the town red in Toronto with friends.

*I have an ex boyfriend. Yes, we all have that ex I'm sure, and I bet I'm not that ex for him. I've indirectly spoken about him through here this last year and a half but I haven't always given him the credit he deserves. He is undoubtedly one of the most fantastic people in my life and he doesn't even live in the Country. While I believed my life would never be the same with him not in it the way I once wanted it, that this year would be the hardest of my life... six months in I haven't even realized how much time has gone by. He's still in my life every day, my life has only gotten better, and that only began when I started to change me and stopped trying to change him. He will continue to be one of the most important people to me and if nothing else, the greatest friend for life.

*I've made a year plan for myself that involves nothing but positive changes. Disconnecting myself from negative people where I see fit, taking care of myself before taking care of others so that I CAN take care of and give to others. Going to yoga at least twice a week, and making a goal to run the half marathon in Toronto later next year. I'm not going to drink to get drunk or consume a drink if I've had the slightest bit of a bad day. I'm going to find something good out of every possible day and save as much money as I can. I'm going to continue on a new program for school and start looking for an internship in fashion. At the end of the year I'm either going to attempt the move to NYC or if I can find enough love within Toronto, I'm going to travel for a significant time before I plant my feet on the ground here in this beautiful city once again.

*I'm a closet extrovert. I'm quiet and introverted when you first meet me but give me time and I'm a pretty big nut. I'm an observer and listener before a doer.

*I think with my heart before my head always. I forgive too quickly. And am the hardest person to get to know.

*If I were to win the lottery tomorrow, there are three homeless men in Toronto that I would give a decent amount of money to. Simply because they never ask for money and every time I walk by one of them it pulls on my heart strings and I wish I could do something to make their life different.

*I live in a stellar loft in a great area. I have a crush on Gordon Ramsey and have a secret love for Degrassi High... The Next Generation. I don't understand Politics or Religion all that much but I want to. I can't do math to save my life but I can write an essay that will knock your socks off. I don't think there are stupid people just because they can't do something maybe we can do. Everyone excels in something and there is nothing stupid about that. I want a Great Dane and some other kind of tiny fluffy dog and I want them to be friends. If I could do something that wasn't in fashion, I think I would be a dog walker. I have too many lulu lemon clothes, in fact, just too many clothes and never anything to wear. I'm emotional, strong willed, determined and ambitious. But I'm also stubborn, guarded, unsure and sometimes irrational. I look at the world in a way that everyone is fighting some sort of battle and if we're kind to everyone you'd be amaze at what can happen. I'm more open to change now than I ever have been before. I'm me, and that's more than good enough.

Truth

The point is...

I'm not really on anyone's radar anymore.

The secret is...

Anyone who knows about my eating disorder thinks I'm getting better... or that I AM better.

The reality is...

I'm a great faker.

Truth about it all...

I'm going to keep smiling because there are more important things going on in this world other than me.

Can't Relapse If I Never Got Better

Does anyone who actually knows me even read this? Please enlighten me.

I read my entire blog the other day. I wanted to curl up into nothing and cry, so instead I went for a run. I didn't recognize a single word of it that would have come from me. None of the earlier posts that is.
She sounded hopeful... excited about the future. That girl could breathe... I've forgotten completely how to do that. She wanted recovery so bad, she was on the right track. She sounded... almost... well, happy even. I can pinpoint the exact post, without even giving it a second thought or checking dates, that I stopped going to treatment. My writings went from hopeful to destructive in 2.5 seconds in bloggers time. Lets face it, recovery hasn't really been on my radar for quite some time. I'd love to think that it has but I would be lying to myself, and you. I feel slightly blindsided by my own doing, and now for the last few days between workouts and working, I've been contemplating how I let myself down so horribly. I'm well aware that eating disorders are not about the body but I can't help but want to disappear more and more every day. To fade into nothing, to see and feel my bones. The difference between then and now is that I was going to group every week. I had people to relate to, who knew what I was going through. While once a week is nothing substantial, it was certainly better than nothing and got me thinking about recovery every day. I was waitlisted for months for inpatient treatment and when it came down to it, three separate times, I refused it and they had no choice but to close my file. I didn't, and still don't want to live in a hospital, that much I know. I also know though, that there are other treatment options out there for me that I am blatantly ignoring. It's not about fattening me up and feeding me. It's about teaching me how to deal with everything that has happened in my life in a healthy and positive way.

I'm too stubborn for my own good in believing I can make all this go away myself. Its stupidity really. I had myself convinced I dealt with everything I needed to, so why am I still doing this. The more I don't want to think about life the deeper I fall into it. The eating disorder occupies my mind into thinking about food, and being skinny all day long that I quite literally have zero brain space to think of anything else remotely constructive. I want to cry so bad but refuse to show any kind of weakness within myself even in the privacy of my own home. I'm trying to get down to a number low enough that I will allow myself to go back to group. I've made up my mind that I'm not skinny enough yet to have a big enough problem, that no one will take me seriously because no one did when I weighed less than I do now. Up until a couple weeks ago I was sure I was on somewhat of a better path than I have been. Then I bailed out on one of the very few friends I have because I had to go work out. I realized at that moment I'm in it. I can't get out of it. I have no idea how. It's not easy, recovery isn't easy. Its so fucking hard you wouldn't believe. I'd bet money it's harder than getting your Masters, a PhD or passing the bar. Seriously, I'm not kidding, its really really fucking mind numbingly hard. So once again, I know what I should do, but am I going to make that choice or prove once again my weakness against my very own self.

Fuck.

It's Not Just About Being Pretty

Perhaps I was unclear when I mentioned time and time again that an eating disorder is not about vanity, it's not about the food, it's not about the body. My body is simply the mechanism that is getting the short end of the stick in this deal. It's an outlet for my emotions, my struggles. I can not simply look into the mirror and tell myself I am beautiful and be done with it. I just can't, I'm sorry. Nor can I just tell my eating disorder to depart, to get out of my life and stop tormenting me. If it was that easy, geez, there would be no blog to write. I can't just eat and feel okay about it. I can't put on my size zero pants and love the way they look. I can't have a conversation with someone and think they give a shit about what I'm talking about. I can't think that life is magically going to work out for me without fighting really really hard to make it work. I am not vain. I'm affected by an eating disorder. So please... please, stop telling me I'm getting better, because I'm not. Please stop telling me I'm stronger than this, because it's been proven otherwise. I don't want to hear anymore that I just need to tell Ed to get lost, because I can't do it on my own. I'll figure it out one day.... today, today just isn't that day. Neither was yesterday, or last week.

Just Some Words Onna Page

Tell me in which ways you see brilliance and I'll tell you in all the ways you are wrong. Explain to me where you see excellence and intelligence and I will enlighten you on how you must have gotten it confused with failure and stupidity. All I see are words on a page strewn out in some half assed blog; emotions displayed in some other kind of disorganized chaos that don't even seem to make sense anymore. What I read is maybe not what you see. What I read are merely words that are escaping my fingertips to form a proper sentence. They are just words on a page, you see. You feel what the words tell you to feel, but do you feel how I feel? I bare my soul for you to see, can you see it? There is no brilliance about it, for I have only one way to express myself. My one and only true love.