Beauty Is Not How Skinny You Can Be

Thanks! =)

We are often introduced to hundreds of people throughout our lives. Many of these people just pass us by without a second thought, but a great deal of them are brought into our lives for a reason. I suppose you could treat every person you meet in life as this remarkable learning experience. Each person is a small insight of what you could potentially be or wish to achieve, who you don't want to aspire to be at all. To teach you what is important in life and what isn't at all. Some are here to be teachers and some for just sheer entertainment. I've been lucky enough to be blessed to meet some of the greatest, kind hearted people in what I think to be the entire world. I've also been blessed to run in to some not so kind hearted souls. I say blessed in this sense because each person that I meet that doesn't quite fit my personality, is just a lesson learned into the type of people I don't need in my life.
Through starting this blog I have had the pleasure of re connecting with many great people that some how got lost along the way. I would like to say Thank You to each and every person who has taken a few minutes out of their busy day to touch base with me. Your beautiful and warm words have truly inspired me to be a better person. Many of you have used the word strength when referring to my struggles, I don't see strength at all. I see my journey as me doing something that I need to do. I've just got to get through it. My blog appears to have brought about emotions in not only me but in others as well. I've been able to be a listening ear to some other peoples stories, and have given the okay that it's not the end of the world to admit to something that seems bigger than the world. I've learned in the last few days that it's never too late. It's never too late to tell someone how you feel about them... good or bad. To reconcile differences between someone you had a fight with years ago. It's never too late to tell someone you love them, or you once did. The realm of possibilities is really unstoppable. When you think you have failed, and you just want to give up. You're wrong. You can always pursue something you have been meaning to do, or start that hobby you vowed to start months ago. There is truly never a convenient time to change. I'm struggling with this so much right now. I see the larger picture being fabulous, and making the steps to get there is great, but the smaller picture is the biggest struggle right now. If I can't get through today, then how can I possibly make it to two years from now, or even a month from now. I need to keep believing that it will happen. Believe me when I say, the support I have received from those of you that I haven't spoken to in years, or never really got the opportunity to get to know further, in the last week has been uncanny. As well as the support I have been awarded with from those closest to me. You have inspired me and motivated me in ways that I never thought possible. So Thank You. Everyone has an impact on someone else's life, whether you choose to believe it or not. Be kind, you never know who's life you're changing.

Fight Winter Back.

I don't think I'm alone in saying winter is a killer for the mood. I know not for all of us, but for a lot of us it is. Especially in the month of February. Winter seems like it has dragged on for far too long, getting out there in the cold to do every day tasks seem like a much harder thing to do, and spring is right around the corner. The anticipation is almost numbing. You can almost taste the spring air and feel yourself sitting on a patio with a drink in your hand. Winter is so difficult for me, the sun barely ever shines, I'm weighed down with winter boots and winter clothes, and I'm always cold in the summer, never mind the -30 degree weather that winter often brings. It's hard to find a good enough reason to ever leave my house. It just looks sad outside. Oddly enough, the winter blues have a name. S.A.D. Yes, we really are feeling sad. Seasonal Affection Disorder. Isn't it wonderful to put a name to how you're feeling!? Never fear, it goes away with the arrival of the spring and summer months. It's difficult to be happy when you're not getting sufficient vitamin D in your system. So open your blinds and let whatever sun is out there shine through, go for a tan, or pop a few supplements. It'll help and maybe you'll momentarily feel as if you are laying on the beach on some caribbean island. How else can you beat the winter blues? Many of us don't have the money or time to pick up and leave for a few weeks, so here are some helpful ways to make yourself Happier!
Remember those resolutions you made on December 31st? Still haven't acted on them have you. Well start now, it's never too late, you haven't failed. Engaging yourself in something you know is healthy for you and that you enjoy will boost your spirits. Move forward into the goals you wish to achieve. It'll put a smile on your face.
Exercise, even if it's just a brisk walk outside, or a quick 20 minute jog. Your endorphins will be up and you'll have more energy to finish your day. Grab a healthy snack after, unhealthy foods only make you feel good for a moment, not the long run.
Avoid drinking too much at one time... binge drinking. Alcohol is a natural depressant. So if you ever wonder why you just don't feel right the next day, thats why. 
Remember to relax and treat yourself to something you love. Pick up a good book, go home, light some candles and run a bath. Don't forget you deserve a little self love as well.
Lastly, if you plan something exciting with good friends, you'll have something to look forward to for the week. When the day comes and you just don't feel like leaving your house because the cold is so scary, remind yourself how much you have been looking forward to this and how much social support helps.
This is my advice in kicking S.A.D's ass. If any of you are in my shoes, these things will preoccupy you and make you less symptomatic as well. Now... if only I could figure out how to take my own advice!

Smile =) This Too Shall Pass!

Oh To Be Normal...

Imagine a day where you wake up, the sun in shining down on your face, and you feel this abundance of happiness floating through your veins. You crawl out of bed hop into the shower and proceed to get ready for a casual day. Now, your day may be just heading out to grab a coffee, meeting up with a friend for lunch and then going where ever the day may take you. You have a vague plan. Now imagine you planned on wearing a shirt and you can’t find it for the life of you. You would choose another shirt... right? Perfect. Your friend calls and says she is running a little bit late... no big deal. Your pants don’t fit you like you remember them fitting... your over it. Things are a little bit messy in your apartment... you’ll clean it later. You finally meet up with your friend and you don’t go to the starbucks you thought you were going to go to, and lunch isn’t at the place you assumed. Things aren’t turning out the way you had planned. You’d roll with it right? I don’t function like you. I wish I did. In fact, I don’t function like most people should. The second I couldn’t find my shirt I would rip my place into a war zone until I found it. Anxiety would fill my bones the second something didn’t fit me like I remember it fitting. This to me could only mean one thing.... I got even fatter. Taking a look around the apartment I just destroyed would pull me into a full blown panic attack and my day is ruined. I can think of a million and one things that could ruin my day, and not very many that can pull me out of it. Going somewhere I wasn’t planning on going is another big thing for me. I need to know where, what and when I’ll be going somewhere. I need a plan. The second my plan is destroyed... so am I. Usually the only way I know how to relieve this stress, is to be symptomatic anyway I know how at the time. When I talk of symptoms, I am referring to Bingeing Purging and Restricting. I’m so far gone that this is the only way I know how to deal. If someone interrupts me having a symptom... needless to say I am anything but happy which often makes me even more anxious. Along with anxiety, I am depleted by obsession as well daily. My obsessions cause me anxiety. Oh what a vicious terrible cycle. I need to walk on the left side of people, take the same route to the same places I go. I need to walk on the same side of the street that I walked there. In order to burn more calories I’ll walk instead of subway, take the stairs instead of the escalator and I’ll stand instead of sit. I have to sit in the same spot in my groups and be there at the same time with the same coffee. I use the same bank and bank machine. Before I go to sleep I turn my lights off the same way, make sure my shower curtain is drawn shut, my bathroom door is wide open and my front door is locked. I lock my bedroom door, crawl into bed and make sure my door is locked again. If I heaven forbid have to get out of bed. I have to do it all over again. If my place is a mess... I wont sleep until it is clean. I’m obsessed with finding the feeling I felt the first time I shoved my toothbrush down my throat and witnessed my entire self emptying, and being flushed. The feeling of the utmost accomplishment of starving myself for days. I’m in search of being loved and loving. Obsessed with working out, eating, not eating. Obsessed with Bingeing and Purging and Control. Obsessed with fashion, being perfect, reading and writing. Obsessed with love hate and passion. Believe me, the list could go on forever. Everything in life is an obsession. We are never really ever fully satisfied. Our lives are a big want, a need. A need for things we can’t or don’t have, a need for things we do have and want more of and a need for things we once had and just want to experience again. We are often searching for a feeling we once had that we can’t get back to and become consumed by it. So you see, not only am I haunted by ED but I am followed around by his partners in crime as well, Anxiety, Obsession and Depression.  Sometimes I think if these three things would just be eliminated from my life somehow, I would be able to handle having an eating disorder. The only thing I’m thankful for, is that I am aware of all of these things. I know I need to change them. As each posting goes up I am struck with this fear of everyone reading these. Wondering at what point am I sharing too much and how disgusting I come across. I sound like a complete mental case. I’m not. This all just comes with the territory. I need to learn moderation. I’m slowly becoming aware that I wont die if you walk on the left side of me. If my will and determination is this strong to keep an eating disorder, I can only imagine the possibilities of putting as much effort into something I truly Love. Oh the things I could accomplish in life! I fucking hate ED. I wish I functioned... at all really. It’s exhausting keeping up with all these rules and rituals and having to keep it quiet. Absolutely exhausting. 

Yes ED, I Hear You. Loud And Clear!

Purge.  Purge.  Purge. You have to Purge. You have to Purge Everything. You ate too much today. You didn’t exercise enough today. Today, you are ugly. Today you can feel the fat building up on the bones that I should see protruding through only skin... not fat. Today you are a failure. Today was a waste of a day, a waste of a chance to be beautiful. Today you took twenty steps backwards in becoming worthy of life, of affection, of love. Tomorrow you will work harder, harder then you ever have before. 

If I’m not thinking about weight or food, I must be in a coma or dead. My anxiety has immobilized me today. I’ve found myself totally consumed with ED more so than most days. Usually after really great weekends this happens. I just get engulfed with sadness as if I have to compensate for any good feeling that I had this weekend. I’m constantly trying to purge everything out of me. Food, calories, fat, emotions, thoughts, everything. I can never get enough out. I can’t stop, These thoughts are like a cancer pumping through my veins and ruining my entire body. My entire life. As I faintly whisper the words “I surrender” from my tired body, the thoughts just get more forceful, more destructive. When I stop myself from bingeing and purging, I think I’ve done something good. Really, I’ve swapped it for the alter ego of Restricting. It’s a sick never ending cycle. The thing I thought I had the most control over in my life is controlling me to the bitter bitter end. Anyone who thinks this is a choice, it’s not. It is the farthest thing from a choice. I in no way woke up when I was 12 and aspired to be a 26 year old named ED. I know what I’m doing is unhealthy and disgusting, I very literally can not stop. I don’t know how. This is why I am seeking help in anyway possible. This is why I will be living in a hospital soon. This is why I have started this blog. I want... I need people to be aware that this is not a life to yearn for. Anyone who appallingly wishes to have an eating disorder (sadly, they are out there) need to understand this is not a lifestyle chosen, it is a battle. A battle that I am living with perpetual shame and am terrorized with every minute... every second, of every single day. A battle in which I will fight to the death if I have to. A battle that I need to fight or it will forever run, and destroy my life, my relationships and my every ambition. If this was a choice, my choice, I would not for a second longer think about food. I would be living the life of a “normal” 26 year old woman (whatever that is). I wouldn’t be standing in front of mirrors crying every day, counting every calorie in and every calorie out, wondering when I’ll be skinny enough to be loved. 

I often sit and wonder... who the fuck do I think I am, slowly killing myself. As I sit and self destruct there are people in this world fighting for their every breath. Who would give anything for one more day with their families, one more chance to tell their loved ones that everything in the end will be okay. Don’t think for a moment that I don’t think these things like many of you most likely do about me. Thinking about this doesn’t prove to help me though, I wish it did. It only makes me feel more guilty resulting in me tumbling full speed farther down the hill then I already am. The thing is, having an eating disorder is just like any other disease. It’s just not socially accepted as a disease. Eating Disorders have the highest mortality rate within any mental illness. If everyone just accepted it as a real life struggle, and t.v. stopped glorifying it so much, maybe this wouldn’t be the case anymore. It’s truly time to make more people aware of this. If I happen to fail, if I happen to not be able to come out on top, I hope with every ounce of my soul I can help someone else win their fight. This is my plan. 

Laughter... The Best Healer Of The Soul.

"Will I ever laugh again?"

"Yes."

"When?"

"When something is really really funny." - Sex and the City

Yes everyone, I just quoted Sex and the City. I couldn't think of anything more fitting for my weekend. Coming up to Barrie to visit Family is always a guaranteed stress reliever. Sleep is better, anxiety is down, symptoms are way down and Love is all over the place. My Family is my life, the healer to my soul. I sat last night with two cousins of mine and just laughed. I'm not talking just a few laughs here and there, I'm talking overwhelming, can't breathe, cheeks hurting drowning in tears laughing. Over nothing at all, and those are the best moments. These are the moments that make every bad thing in life worth while. The moments that you can forget everything momentarily and not feel guilty for being happy or for laughing. Coming up here always reminds me how much I want to get  better. Ed is silenced for a few hours at a time and I find Peace.

Talk It Out

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/programs-events/nedawareness-week.php
It's Time To Talk About It.

Beautiful

This little girl has inspired me to smile a little more everyday.

With Just A Simple Touch Up

My Wonderful Uncle sent this to me the other day. Don't get me wrong, I love and adore and respect the Fashion Industry and all the efforts that go into building it. This is just a glimpse into what we are comparing ourselves to though. These people are beautiful, but by no means do they look like what we think we should look like. What the people in my world aspire to be... is all manufactured.
http://www.msethjones.com/rollovers/

Today... Today The Light Is A Little Brighter.

*Fait Souffrir Pour Etre Belle* *It Is Necessary To Suffer To Be Beautiful* I came across this quote about three years ago and the second I read it a wave of emotion came over me and I cried. I’ve believed for so long that in order to be beautiful, in order for people to accept me into their world, I need to terrorize myself. That I deserve to suffer. I’ve convinced myself that I need to starve myself, purge my food, hurt myself physically and emotionally, in order to attain beauty. That I need to stand up straight, put on my designer jeans and smile like nothing is bothering me and act like everything is perfect. To not allow anyone into my world because it’s my world and no one should know how much I am really hurting inside, admitting I am hurting is weak, ugly and disgusting. I’m coming to realize that suffering could mean finding the strength to overcome any obstacle. To grab the hand of any one that is willing to help you and let them. You need to suffer through bad times to come out on the other end and be able to say “Fuck You Universe, I made it!” Giving up, and giving in isn’t an option. Sometimes I wish it were, sometimes I feel so defeated that I just can’t do this anymore. That things will never be better, that I will forever be stuck fighting this war within myself. I need to keep moving forward though, I need to remind myself that at the end of this battle, and there will be an end, that I’ll see more beauty then I ever imagined possible. I know this journey is going to be a long one, I know it’s going to be the most difficult thing of my life, but I have people who love me standing behind me that when I fall, they will help me back up. Now that people are aware of my life giving up is no longer allowed. I’m going to use the Power of Positive Thinking. I will come into contact with a million more struggles in my life along the way but overcoming them will only make life more beautiful, and myself more of a fighter. With every struggle comes a good thing, every tragedy an opportunity and with every hill we climb brings about an even better person. I will continue to evolve until the day my life is taken. *It Is Necessary To Suffer To Be Beautiful* 

A Hope For Happiness

Every morning I wake up in one of two ways. I glide my hands along my ribs and hip bones and either congratulate myself on eating as little as possible or I curse myself for eating far too much and just hope that I stayed in motion long enough to not gain any weight, because I sure as hell didn’t lose anything. After the thoughts have had time to process through my contaminated brain, I open my eyes and I vow “I will reach Perfection today.” I have yet to accomplish the one goal that I set out to do every day. I walk into my bathroom and stare into the mirror that is surrounded by positive words and uplifting phrases and wonder who the girl was that put them there. It certainly is not the worthless girl who is standing before me right now. Could we get her back please? If even for a moment. This isn’t what Happiness looks like. I know this. While my days are looking like this slightly less often as I begin to open my eyes to the world of possibilities without an eating disorder, the days that are filled with this painful feeling are still all too common. In a severe bout of insomnia one night I was so done with feeling like crap every day of my life. So I tore every positive word and encouraging sentence out of old magazines and at 4am stuck them on to the wall surrounding my bathroom mirror. After all my bathroom is the second most unsafe place in my entire house. (I realize this sounds bizarre to just about every one reading this blog, but it’s true) So what better place to have a little positive inspiration. Fake it till you make it. I have to believe that I am happy, to tell myself that I am worthy until I actually start to believe every great word that falls from my lips. So what does Happiness actually look like? Happiness to every one of us looks different. While our explanations of the feelings we encounter when we engage in the things that do make us all happy, will look very similar, we all stimulate these feelings in different ways. So what does it look like for me? I was asked this question on the spot last night. “What makes you truly happy Melissa?” This question has proved to be very difficult for me. I can ultimately sit here and list page after page, word after word, of all the things that make me unhappy... but happy, the list is slightly shorter. The good news is, I know there are things that do make me happy. I have this infinite, overwhelming, all consuming love for the written word. I can sit and read a book and forget about everything in life. When I’m sad I spend hours upon hours in Chapters, just touching books, reading their first few pages, without even realizing how long I have truly been there. There is just something so wonderful about picking up a book and reading the feelings that are being exuded through each page. To make up your own image about what is being said, to interpret it in your own way. To learn, to know someone else’s story, to laugh, cry, wonder, all on your own accord. Its beautiful. There is a feeling of greatness that radiates through me when I pick up an old book, with its pages falling out, the cover worn and wonder how many people placed their love inside of this book. I also find great joy in writing. It is a way to release every emotion I am feeling at any given time. I’m terrible with expressing how I feel when I speak, but if I’m given the chance I can let you into my soul through a few simple words. On the down side, I have pages full of how inferior I am to the rest of the world. How I will never accomplish any sort of greatness in life. I believe one day I will find the strength to rid myself from these pages, I just can’t do it yet. It’s ridiculous the euphoria I can be consumed with from the simple things in life. The simple things are what truly make me happy. The puppies that take over the downtown core, the sunshine you didn’t expect to see when you open your eyes in the morning, the hug that lasted slightly longer than usual, a quiet night in watching movies, and the kind word that you needed to hear to save your entire day. I want to learn how to immerse myself in the beauty that my eyes see every single day. I want to love without pain, speak without all of the hurt, and walk without the worry. I want to see clearly threw all of life’s distractions and hear all of the beauty without the noise. These feelings of happiness don’t last very long within me though. I have delved so far into my eating disorder that I don’t believe that I deserve to be happy. That things will inevitably go wrong in some way so I might has well make them go wrong on my terms before someone or something does it for me. I self sabotage on a daily basis. I have a hard time recognizing the things that do bring joy into my life. I touched on it briefly before, but being involved in things that will probably make me happy, brings about an unprecedented amount of fear. I was asked this question last night as well. “What are you afraid of?” Being the first to engage in conversation with someone, and doing things that I normally wouldn’t do. Being afraid of these things doesn’t really prove to be a great way to live life does it. So I’m dedicating my next two weeks in search of something else that makes me happy. Whether it is just something small like saying hi to some random person on the street or something way more intimidating like taking a yoga class, I need to push myself. 

“Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it.”- Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat Pray Love. I honestly didn’t love the book but this quote really struck a cord with me and I’d like to make it my mantra for life. Its slightly strange to me because as I’m writing this its just now hit me that I have faced one great fear of mine. Allowing others into my thoughts, feelings and life. Allowing people to read my writing. Its terrifying and freeing all at once.

There is something liberating, and exquisite about telling my story. I found myself feeling utterly defeated by the life the other night and in a complete breakdown someone asked me “But Mel, does anyone actually know that you feel this way?” This poor individual has been dealt the worst of my wrath and for some reason still continues to want to be a part of my life, so bless his little heart. Of course I argued yes, because well, I thought that I had made it clear how I felt to the people closest to me. Upon re examining my thoughts, I realized I don’t make many things very clear in my life. So I decided to make myself known the only way that I truly know how to. The responses back that I have received have been quite profound. The love and support that has been returned to me from my family has been incredible. They are what has, and will continue to be, what has kept me alive. Some of you may think I’m crazy for doing this, or not understand why I need to do it, but that’s okay. I need to do this for me. I’d like to change the views of eating disorders. To alter even one persons thoughts on them. I want them to be more understood, to know that there is life beyond it. I want the taboo and the misconceptions of this disease gone. I would like to help people, and to maybe save someone’s life. I have enough heart to change the world, hopefully I can start small and just educate some minds. I want to believe that having an eating disorder will serve some sort of greater purpose than making me miserable and that my life has meaning beyond this.

The Art of Fear.

I have two great fears in life. The first is completely failing in all aspects of being a human being. I can confidently say that I share this fear with majority of the worlds population. After all fear is what drives us, pushes us, and allows us to reach even farther into the future. Fear allows us to well, face it. For me though, fear has completely paralyzed my entire being. My second fear? Well, saying bye to ED but of course. I feel these two are very closely related. With out my eating disorder what would I be? What would I accomplish? What types of things would I enjoy in life? I don't know the answer to any of these questions. The fear of the unknown is what it is. I have no idea what kind of person I was before all of this started and I can't possibly imagine a life without it. I'm learning though, I'm learning that it is okay to let go. That I HAVE to let go in order to push myself farther. To accomplish any kind of greatness in life. A great tool I'm learning to use is to talk about it. If I talk about it, there is nothing I should be afraid of, because everyone knows now. I outed myself. Which I think is the scariest thing of all. There is something unusually uplifting though somewhere in the anxiety as I type this and wonder... What are YOU thinking right now? I attend a group once a week, every Tuesday. Every Tuesday I sit in my apartment and think of a million excuses why I shouldn't go, why I don't actually need to go. Then I think of the one excuse why I SHOULD go. I'm scared. I shake every single time I walk into that room and have to talk about Him. By the end of the hour and a half though, I can breathe, I'm alive, and I'm half a step closer to recovery. I can almost taste it. If you had of asked me a week ago what I'm going through I would have looked at you as if you were the devil and wonder why I should tell you. Through encouragement and a little push though, I was told that talking, and sharing would allow me to finally release this from my body, my mind and my soul. I'm crossing my fingers that it works. I've met with countless Doctors this week about future treatment and it's suggested that I attend a day hospital program. Life in a hospital, very scary. With one Doctor doubting my ability and want to overcome this battle, made me push even harder. I will overcome this if it is just to spite him. I will. I have to. I want to. I'll face my fear and I will learn how to love me.

Giving up the only thing I don't know how to Live without.

I was the innocent, naive age of 12 when ED came into my life. I was a shy, quiet young girl, quite easily influenced. ED knew I was looking for guidance so He took my hand and showed me the way, the way to Perfection. I didn’t so much know, or understand back then how long this relationship would last or how much it would take over my very soul. ED did though, He knew exactly what He was doing. If I could, I would flip a switch and turn Him off, or drive Him far away and leave Him stranded, but I can’t. At least I haven’t figured out a way to do so yet. ED and I have done everything together for as long as I can remember. ED was the first to introduce the importance of beauty and perfection in my life. He promised me perfection. In fact, He told me I could have everything and anything in life if I just trusted Him. If I welcomed Him into my entire being, loved Him, obeyed Him and believed in Him. ED took things slowly with me at first, it wasn’t long though before he came on full force into the most abusive relationship I have ever come to acquire. ED held my hand and signed my first gym membership with me. To impress Him and show Him that I was serious, I pursued a Personal Trainer. ED told me drinking 8 glasses of water a day would filter out anything toxic, so I drank 3.5 litres a day. I always had to go above and beyond, after all Perfection was the daily goal was it not? He would remind me often that no one loved me except for Him, forced me to stand in front of mirrors naked and pick apart everything bad about my body, He told me that only Beautiful, Skinny girls accomplish anything in life. That only when I can see bone, will I know true Happiness. On so many occasions I’ve wanted to kill ED, silence Him, rid Him from my body but every time I push, ED pushes even harder. ED has made sure that He never leaves my side just to prove that I can trust Him. Through every tragedy in my life, ED has been there to comfort me, to love me. When my Dad passed away, ED made sure that I didn’t console myself with food, He made sure that I restricted as much as possible to numb the pain. When life got even tougher at home, there ED was assuring me that if I just lost one more pound, things would get better. It always seems to be one more pound, just... one... more... pound. He swears its for my own good though, that one is easier to attain then ten. When I fell in love the first time, ED told me the boy didn’t really love me, that he was far too good for me and that I needed to be more Perfect for him. So I restricted even more. I think ED was just jealous, because things between that boy and I didn’t last too long. I guess I really wasn’t good enough for him, maybe ED was right. The more I restricted my food, it seemed I restricted my social life as well. I stopped meeting new people, stopped going out, and distanced myself from the people I thought loved me once upon a time. All I needed was ED. I became a vegetarian for ED, I even tried to be a vegan for Him. It hit a point where I knew I needed help, three years ago I told my best friend for the first time and she hugged me and assured me I would get through this with the people who love me in my life. I confided in those who I cared about the most and that was the start of trying to once and for all purge ED from this journey. I started going to group therapy, and talking about Him. I even started to eat meat again. I reached a point where I truly believed I would overcome this. I was 100% focused on me. Then... things started to go wrong again. I started a new job where I couldn’t make a connection with anyone, family life became even more difficult, I started to gain weight. And, I met another boy, who would end up being my second love, biggest support and ultimately the biggest heart break. ED thrived on all of this, these were His strengths after all. So I entered my first day of inpatient treatment and ED didn’t approve of this at all. He made me cry the entire day, told me I was too ugly and not skinny enough to be done with Him yet. I was traumatized, and convinced, I didn’t need help. After being assured that within a year I would be dead if I didn’t stick to treatment and against all doctors orders, I left. Anyway, nobody likes a fat girl right, all I needed was ED to get through the difficult times? So I fell right back into it with Him. This time though, this time was different. I would restrict. Restrict for days to the point of fainting, to promise ED that I needed him. I wouldn’t even leave my house for fear of buying food. Through all of this restricting though I had to compensate. ED punished me, ED was so angry with me for trying to leave Him, so ED made me binge. On foods that I would never think of eating. I no longer had control of this. And what happened then, I purged, I purged until my eyes were watering, my heart was going to explode and until every ounce of food along with every guilty, angry, worthless emotion was rid from my body and flushed into oblivion. The entire time hearing ED whispering “You’re a fat whore, You need me, I’ll show you how to be Beautiful, just Trust me.” So here I am, this is my life. Restrict, Binge, Purge, Repeat. This is it. ED once again has me convinced this is the only way to live. He has me on a strict vegetarian diet and work out plan, doesn’t allow me to believe people when they say they want to help me, has me believing that recovery is no longer in the cards for me. ED has made sure my size zero pants are too lose on me, that there is no food in my cupboards and just to punish me farther He has me lose control on forbidden foods for the ultimate guilt trip and forces me to purge it in anyway I can figure out how. Those times ED just stands back and I can hear His evil laugh as I sit drowning in tears from complete stupidity. ED is there to laugh at me when I step on the scale, to mock me when I can’t work out any harder, to taunt me when I’m in the grocery store, to assure me, I will never be quite good enough for anyone. Even when ED is momentarily silenced, I know He’s there, I know He’s lurking in my thoughts waiting to jump on the next chance to tell me how unworthy I am of happiness. Some days I truly believe ED loves me, some days He has me completely convinced that I need Him. Other days ED makes me want to die, most days He makes me believe that I deserve to die. ED has me self harming in more ways then I can even comprehend anymore, He has taken over my entire being, my soul and my life. *ED I think it is you that deserves to die.* The eye’s never lie, I don’t even know who I am anymore. I look in the mirror and all I see is Him. When I speak, the only voice that comes out is His and it’s never a voice of reason. I’ve spiraled into complete darkness not knowing how to deal with heartache, let down and failure. ED is here to “pick up my pieces” when I fall, ED has consumed me... This is my journey through battling anorexia, bulimia and every other kind of disordered eating. This is my daily fight. This is my way of holding my self accountable to rid myself from ED for good. I’d like to point out that I am still with ED but hopefully through the cathartic act of writing and making my story known, it wont be long before ED is but a distant memory. I’d also like to point out that in no way do I endorse ED’s behaviours and actions. I just hope, through one day at a time, one story at a time, I can educate and make it clear that this is no way to live. 

*Love Is Louder*