The Art of Fear.

I have two great fears in life. The first is completely failing in all aspects of being a human being. I can confidently say that I share this fear with majority of the worlds population. After all fear is what drives us, pushes us, and allows us to reach even farther into the future. Fear allows us to well, face it. For me though, fear has completely paralyzed my entire being. My second fear? Well, saying bye to ED but of course. I feel these two are very closely related. With out my eating disorder what would I be? What would I accomplish? What types of things would I enjoy in life? I don't know the answer to any of these questions. The fear of the unknown is what it is. I have no idea what kind of person I was before all of this started and I can't possibly imagine a life without it. I'm learning though, I'm learning that it is okay to let go. That I HAVE to let go in order to push myself farther. To accomplish any kind of greatness in life. A great tool I'm learning to use is to talk about it. If I talk about it, there is nothing I should be afraid of, because everyone knows now. I outed myself. Which I think is the scariest thing of all. There is something unusually uplifting though somewhere in the anxiety as I type this and wonder... What are YOU thinking right now? I attend a group once a week, every Tuesday. Every Tuesday I sit in my apartment and think of a million excuses why I shouldn't go, why I don't actually need to go. Then I think of the one excuse why I SHOULD go. I'm scared. I shake every single time I walk into that room and have to talk about Him. By the end of the hour and a half though, I can breathe, I'm alive, and I'm half a step closer to recovery. I can almost taste it. If you had of asked me a week ago what I'm going through I would have looked at you as if you were the devil and wonder why I should tell you. Through encouragement and a little push though, I was told that talking, and sharing would allow me to finally release this from my body, my mind and my soul. I'm crossing my fingers that it works. I've met with countless Doctors this week about future treatment and it's suggested that I attend a day hospital program. Life in a hospital, very scary. With one Doctor doubting my ability and want to overcome this battle, made me push even harder. I will overcome this if it is just to spite him. I will. I have to. I want to. I'll face my fear and I will learn how to love me.