I keep finding new reasons not to eat.
Because I should be smart enough to have already dealt with my old reasons not to eat.
No reason to dwell on the past now, right?
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Monday, May 21, 2012
Silent Killer
It's like all you're doing is fighting against yourself and you know, there is a chance that you will never win.
I've been doing so well.
That's such a lie.
If I silently sit back and reflect, it would appear I'm just swapping old symptoms for new ones, or for really old ones. Due to legitimately not being able to engage in symptoms I'm so fond of out of pain/fear, I've come up with more "healthy" things to keep myself occupied with.
I get tricked so easily!
Laying in bed at 1:23am and I can't bare the silence. I can't bare my own thoughts, my own feelings. The sound of my own breath makes me cringe, I need to hear something other than me so I try to focus on the cars passing by in the streets. It doesn't work. Playing music on VEVO keeps my anxiety at bay momentarily before I realize my cellphone bill is going to be through the roof.
A difficult time with sheer silence is an understatement. My anxiety levels go on a rampage when I realize it's just me and my brain. Maybe hence why I'm always keeping busy. Work, social media, exercising, reading, walking, texting, music, dancing. Anything at all. But what happens when there is no choice but to sit in it. Sit in the silence. What I really want to do is scream at the top of my lungs, punch something, throw a temper tantrum or cry like a two year old. When none of these are a likely option... Then what? I write. I'm writing because what I really want to do right now is go for a run. I've been sitting here counting the hours until I can get outside again and move. What am I running from? Myself, my reality. My legs try to go faster, to separate from myself, but my body knows it will never escape itself. I need to except where I am and be okay with it and move forward. I feel almost as if I've hit a blockade where, on my own, I can't move forward. Maybe it's time to go back to group therapy. Where I'm heard, where I'm understood and where I learn. I convinced myself a long time ago that I'm not sick enough to go back to group, I'm not thin enough to need help anymore. Someone tell me where the logic in that is please?
I'm not where I started. I'm not where I was a year ago when I began this blog even. I'm somewhere different. Better? Maybe. Worse? No. Simply different. The goal is still the same though, the ideal number hasn't gone away. My perfectionistic ways have yet to cease and the obsession is still there. The eating disorder morphs itself into something new, something that has me believing I'm happier. Happier until its quiet. Rules changed because I was catching on, I didn't want to play anymore. I refuse to believe I'm falling deeper into it instead of coming more out of it. I'd also be a fool to not know how easily I can fall back into it.
I've been doing so well.
That's such a lie.
If I silently sit back and reflect, it would appear I'm just swapping old symptoms for new ones, or for really old ones. Due to legitimately not being able to engage in symptoms I'm so fond of out of pain/fear, I've come up with more "healthy" things to keep myself occupied with.
I get tricked so easily!
Laying in bed at 1:23am and I can't bare the silence. I can't bare my own thoughts, my own feelings. The sound of my own breath makes me cringe, I need to hear something other than me so I try to focus on the cars passing by in the streets. It doesn't work. Playing music on VEVO keeps my anxiety at bay momentarily before I realize my cellphone bill is going to be through the roof.
A difficult time with sheer silence is an understatement. My anxiety levels go on a rampage when I realize it's just me and my brain. Maybe hence why I'm always keeping busy. Work, social media, exercising, reading, walking, texting, music, dancing. Anything at all. But what happens when there is no choice but to sit in it. Sit in the silence. What I really want to do is scream at the top of my lungs, punch something, throw a temper tantrum or cry like a two year old. When none of these are a likely option... Then what? I write. I'm writing because what I really want to do right now is go for a run. I've been sitting here counting the hours until I can get outside again and move. What am I running from? Myself, my reality. My legs try to go faster, to separate from myself, but my body knows it will never escape itself. I need to except where I am and be okay with it and move forward. I feel almost as if I've hit a blockade where, on my own, I can't move forward. Maybe it's time to go back to group therapy. Where I'm heard, where I'm understood and where I learn. I convinced myself a long time ago that I'm not sick enough to go back to group, I'm not thin enough to need help anymore. Someone tell me where the logic in that is please?
I'm not where I started. I'm not where I was a year ago when I began this blog even. I'm somewhere different. Better? Maybe. Worse? No. Simply different. The goal is still the same though, the ideal number hasn't gone away. My perfectionistic ways have yet to cease and the obsession is still there. The eating disorder morphs itself into something new, something that has me believing I'm happier. Happier until its quiet. Rules changed because I was catching on, I didn't want to play anymore. I refuse to believe I'm falling deeper into it instead of coming more out of it. I'd also be a fool to not know how easily I can fall back into it.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Ya, This Happens
*~*a classic common dialogue between Ed & I*~*
Yesterday I worked a busy shift, running around sweating my balls off, (if I had any) in the mild heat we did have. Until the end of my shift at 1130pm, I really had barely consumed anything all day. So I ordered food... To go. Ed disapproved.
Ed- you better not eat that. You've done so well all day.
Me- I'm hungry Ed, I'll eat half of it at home. I'm going to die if you don't let me eat.
Ed- you'll get fat, don't eat that.
*i ate it. half of it at work actually.*
When I got home...
Ed- you better not eat the rest of that. You foolishly made plans to go for breakfast tomorrow morning. You probably shouldn't go anymore.
*so i ate the other half*
Ed- okay, now you definitely can't go for breakfast tomorrow. Look at you, I can see the meal on your hips already. Do you feel better?
Me- no actually, I feel like I'm going to be sick.
Ed- you're not going tomorrow.
Me- I have to Ed, I made plans. I actually single handedly made these plans myself. I have to go. I'll just have coffee.
Ed- fine.
*when I woke up this morning I still felt full from the meal last night. I wasn't going to go, but really, I did make the plans. I had to go, I wasn't letting Ed win this morning. So I went, and I ate.*
Ed- you don't get it do you. You're too fat, you shouldn't be eating that. You're going to regret this, because I'm going to make you.
And by fat I mean...
~I'm really frustrated that I'm not better yet~
Me- I'm going to yoga later, I had to eat or I wouldn't make it through the class.
Ed- you better go work out before yoga or you'll look disgusting in those clothes.
And by disgusting I really mean...
~I keep attracting and allowing shitty relationships into my life. I need to be better so I can do better~
*so I did. I went home and jumped roped for 30 minutes. And then I danced for an hour and a half.*
Me- I shouldn't have done that. I'm going to eat something small and take the subway up.
Ed- no you're not.
Me- i'll walk home Ed, it's hot yoga, I gotta make it through the class.
Ed- you can take the subway home, promise. But you have so much time before class, you have to walk.
*so two hours before my class I walked there... The long way. An hour and a half later, I arrived, sweating and hungry and anxious*
Me- I shouldn't go in. You're in my head too much today. And I'm hungry, I'm really not going to make it through this class I don't think.
Ed- you'll make it through, I promise. And hey, I think maybe you kinda sorta look skinnier then you did earlier. You should work out some more. ***snickers behind devious smile***
Me- k, but stay outside. I need peace from you for an hour and a half.
Ed- only if you go in now
Me- my class doesn't start for another 30 min. It's too hot. I'm not making it through this class.
*so I went and laid in the heat for 30min prior to my class. I didn't bring Him in with me, so many people were in and out, He must have snuck in. I couldn't concentrate on a single thing, I couldn't hear the instructor. It was Him, His voice, Loud in my hear, taunting me.
...I didn't make it through the class*
Me- see, I told you...
Ed- that's your own fault, you were doing so great, I thought for sure you could do it. Don't blame me for your incompetence.
While kneeling on the bathroom floor trying not to puke or pass out...
Me- shut up Ed.
*foolishly thinking I could take the subway home, I was so disappointed in myself for not completing the class, I walked another hour and a half home. Sweaty, ugly and fat.
And by fat I mean...
~I think I'm really worried about my mom~
The entire, long, gross walk home he was walking beside me.
Ed- you should run home.
Me- I have a yoga mat, a purse with TWO towels in it among other things, and a water bottle. How about YOU run home, I'll meet ya there.
Ed- no really, I think you should run, it'll make up for lost yoga time. I promise you'll feel better.
Me- Ed, I still feel like I'm going to puke
Ed- well, if you had of stuck out the class, you could have taken the subway home. You did this to yourself.
Me- ya right you would have let me. How about I walk really quickly and you shut the hell up for 20 minutes.
*i walked a pace so fast I was trying to escape from someone. If I didn't have all my stuff I would have ran. I was trying to escape Him but man can that guy keep up. Every 30 seconds he assured me that I'm so fat I'll never get the things I want in life.*
And by fat I really mean...
~I'm scared my hard work in school and life right now isn't going to get me where I want to be. I'm terrified I'll never be good enough.~
*i eventually made it home and hopped in the shower. I blasted Adele to drown out the obnoxious sounds of Him and belted out lyrics that all too closely relate to my relationship with Him.*
Ed- what's the text say?
Me- don't worry about it...
*i was suppose to go out tonight, with a guy I'm really into. My response to an inquiry of if I'm coming was, "not likely"*
And by not likely I mean...
~I'm too fat.~
And by I'm too fat I REALLY mean...
~...I'd love to but you're no good for me, and I've had enough of no good for me for today.~
Ed- I think you should go...
Me- I think maybe you should go fuck yourself.
*so I put on the cutest pair of PJ's I could find to make myself feel a little better, made a coffee... And wrote...*
Yesterday I worked a busy shift, running around sweating my balls off, (if I had any) in the mild heat we did have. Until the end of my shift at 1130pm, I really had barely consumed anything all day. So I ordered food... To go. Ed disapproved.
Ed- you better not eat that. You've done so well all day.
Me- I'm hungry Ed, I'll eat half of it at home. I'm going to die if you don't let me eat.
Ed- you'll get fat, don't eat that.
*i ate it. half of it at work actually.*
When I got home...
Ed- you better not eat the rest of that. You foolishly made plans to go for breakfast tomorrow morning. You probably shouldn't go anymore.
*so i ate the other half*
Ed- okay, now you definitely can't go for breakfast tomorrow. Look at you, I can see the meal on your hips already. Do you feel better?
Me- no actually, I feel like I'm going to be sick.
Ed- you're not going tomorrow.
Me- I have to Ed, I made plans. I actually single handedly made these plans myself. I have to go. I'll just have coffee.
Ed- fine.
*when I woke up this morning I still felt full from the meal last night. I wasn't going to go, but really, I did make the plans. I had to go, I wasn't letting Ed win this morning. So I went, and I ate.*
Ed- you don't get it do you. You're too fat, you shouldn't be eating that. You're going to regret this, because I'm going to make you.
And by fat I mean...
~I'm really frustrated that I'm not better yet~
Me- I'm going to yoga later, I had to eat or I wouldn't make it through the class.
Ed- you better go work out before yoga or you'll look disgusting in those clothes.
And by disgusting I really mean...
~I keep attracting and allowing shitty relationships into my life. I need to be better so I can do better~
*so I did. I went home and jumped roped for 30 minutes. And then I danced for an hour and a half.*
Me- I shouldn't have done that. I'm going to eat something small and take the subway up.
Ed- no you're not.
Me- i'll walk home Ed, it's hot yoga, I gotta make it through the class.
Ed- you can take the subway home, promise. But you have so much time before class, you have to walk.
*so two hours before my class I walked there... The long way. An hour and a half later, I arrived, sweating and hungry and anxious*
Me- I shouldn't go in. You're in my head too much today. And I'm hungry, I'm really not going to make it through this class I don't think.
Ed- you'll make it through, I promise. And hey, I think maybe you kinda sorta look skinnier then you did earlier. You should work out some more. ***snickers behind devious smile***
Me- k, but stay outside. I need peace from you for an hour and a half.
Ed- only if you go in now
Me- my class doesn't start for another 30 min. It's too hot. I'm not making it through this class.
*so I went and laid in the heat for 30min prior to my class. I didn't bring Him in with me, so many people were in and out, He must have snuck in. I couldn't concentrate on a single thing, I couldn't hear the instructor. It was Him, His voice, Loud in my hear, taunting me.
...I didn't make it through the class*
Me- see, I told you...
Ed- that's your own fault, you were doing so great, I thought for sure you could do it. Don't blame me for your incompetence.
While kneeling on the bathroom floor trying not to puke or pass out...
Me- shut up Ed.
*foolishly thinking I could take the subway home, I was so disappointed in myself for not completing the class, I walked another hour and a half home. Sweaty, ugly and fat.
And by fat I mean...
~I think I'm really worried about my mom~
The entire, long, gross walk home he was walking beside me.
Ed- you should run home.
Me- I have a yoga mat, a purse with TWO towels in it among other things, and a water bottle. How about YOU run home, I'll meet ya there.
Ed- no really, I think you should run, it'll make up for lost yoga time. I promise you'll feel better.
Me- Ed, I still feel like I'm going to puke
Ed- well, if you had of stuck out the class, you could have taken the subway home. You did this to yourself.
Me- ya right you would have let me. How about I walk really quickly and you shut the hell up for 20 minutes.
*i walked a pace so fast I was trying to escape from someone. If I didn't have all my stuff I would have ran. I was trying to escape Him but man can that guy keep up. Every 30 seconds he assured me that I'm so fat I'll never get the things I want in life.*
And by fat I really mean...
~I'm scared my hard work in school and life right now isn't going to get me where I want to be. I'm terrified I'll never be good enough.~
*i eventually made it home and hopped in the shower. I blasted Adele to drown out the obnoxious sounds of Him and belted out lyrics that all too closely relate to my relationship with Him.*
Ed- what's the text say?
Me- don't worry about it...
*i was suppose to go out tonight, with a guy I'm really into. My response to an inquiry of if I'm coming was, "not likely"*
And by not likely I mean...
~I'm too fat.~
And by I'm too fat I REALLY mean...
~...I'd love to but you're no good for me, and I've had enough of no good for me for today.~
Ed- I think you should go...
Me- I think maybe you should go fuck yourself.
*so I put on the cutest pair of PJ's I could find to make myself feel a little better, made a coffee... And wrote...*
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