Tis The Season, Or Something Like That

The holidays have always been somewhat of an interesting thing for me, an awkward dance of sorts. I love and hate them all at the same time. More hate this year though for some reason. Actually, not 'some reason', I know exactly why. I love the holidays because I get to spend time with family, who I love more than any single sentence could ever depict. I get to give gifts, hopefully put a few smiles on some faces, watch some pretty lame Christmas movies and generally just do nothing. This year was the first in, I don't know how long, that I had this amount of time off from work. Five days posed a larger problem than I had anticipated. By day four when I returned home, the anxiety set in that I had SAT most of my time off and all hell broke loose inside of me.

Stick around and I'll get back to how my stupidity surly got the better of me.

To put my hate into perspective, I have to be on guard with what and how much I consume at all times. I am, after all, being watched. And not just by Ed, I have this inkling that my family, or whoever is around, is watching me too. That may be my imagination. I'm the queen of "eat now, make up for it later" when it comes to being with Family. Whether I eat and purge right away, eat and restrict for days to follow or eat and work out at bed time or when I return home. I'm SURE no one is any the wiser. Right? They see me eat, I say things are going great, they're happy, I've lied and now I'm guilty and miserable. Being around that amount of food, with that amount of people, for that long, makes me so so uneasy. That is quite an understatement. I foolishly took another route this year though. One I have been known to take in the past but not for some time now.

I thought I was getting better. Boy, was I mistaken.

I was SO prepared this year! That's a lie, Ed came prepared, I was unknowingly awaiting the repercussions that came and I'm not sure are going away anytime soon.

For four days I chewed diet pills, drank water, pee'd every ten minutes (literally) and silently obsessed, debated and counted every calorie consumed. *that only has 25 calories a slice. okay I'll have one, only one, but I'm not having lunch then* I was the farthest thing from present, I can't recall if anyone enjoyed or even opened my gifts. I kinda had a terrible time, I was a bit of a bitch. And I ruined my own Christmas. I was completely, 100% wrapped up in Ed. I can tell you though, exactly what I ate, how many pills I popped, what food was around, and... How much weight I lost. Fuck. I can also reiterate how I am paying for it today.

I've never been over my healthy "what the Dr's want me at" weight. But I have been spot on and way under. I unfortunately have enough sense to know that when I am even one pound under, my entire self is transformed more so than ever. Ed grabs right hold and keeps on beating. He thinks my every thought and I give up the fight. I am silenced. Not only do I not speak, the devil roars from my mouth and I'm not even close to being me anymore. And the weight, it just keeps coming off. The fight is done. Ed really has won.

When I got home I worked out like a bandit as tears poured from my eyes. I tore my room into pieces, purged my life of all the belongings I think I don't want anymore. And then cleaned it all up. I cried for two and a half days straight. I lost a friend because I can't keep my mouth shut long enough to listen. I argued, pleaded, fought, begged, yelled and cried some more. I said things I so so meant but weren't meant for his ears. I subjected him to words that no person should ever hear from another. But I need help, and I need someone to help me, but I did it in such the wrong way possible. Then I proceeded to do the same thing to my mom. My poor poor mom has probably been wondering at times these past few days if I'm even still alive.

So here I am trying to pick up the pieces I scattered all over the place. Knowing very well that it's not me but it's my voice. Knowing I should be better, I should know how to control what I say and the thoughts that I think. I should be a better person, I should never let myself slip like I have. But for some reason I can't. It's Ed speaking, not me. It's the eating disorder roaring it's nasty head and the damage I've caused is done before I know it and eventually I come crawling with my tail between my legs begging to be able to take it back. I can't take it back. I can hardly recall what I've done, it's a hazy hazy state. I'm sick, I need saving and don't know if I really want to be saved anymore. Is it even possible?

Tell Me...

Here's a (maybe not so) funny fact I have come to learn in the last few weeks. *I need to stop reading so much* The stats are in and it appears the likelihood of me recovering are not quite in my favour. The chances that I will die before I ever get better has a higher probability. Only one third of people who suffer from an eating disorder will ever fully recover. I'm sorry, did I choose to scan past that minor detail when I was spewing out statistics back in May? Well, I never saw it. Discouraging? Slightly... I'm going to say priority goes to those who have people watching them 24/7. I should re think my game plan? So really, what's the point? My life, my life is a fight every day inside my head. An argument only I can hear, only I can see. I'm kicked to the ground and appear to be standing. I'm smiling but crying behind the laughs. I'm living but slowly dying inside. Arguing against Ed's voice takes up all of my energy. Trying to reason with Him that I do, in fact, deserve to live as much as the next person. He's inside my head whenever I eat. Belittling me and snickering behind His devious smile that I was so weak to have sunk so low by putting something as silly as that in my mouth. Purge. I'm constantly trying to tune Him out but His voice is louder than my own. I see Him standing side by side with me as I look at my own reflection, with a disgusted look upon His face, cursing how morbidly fat I have become. Restrict. He lays next to me in bed at night, and comes to work with me during the day. We have coffee dates, we read together and walk together. He's even leaning over my shoulder as I write these words, as so to make certain that I don't give him
a bad wrap. *Sorry, Ed, you blew your rep long time ago. It's you, not me* So you see, it's a fight from when I wake up in the morning, till I lay my head down on my soft pillow at night. It's a fight that doesn't end. That no one sees nor understands. One that can't ever go away. So really, what's the point anymore?

Everything I'm Not Is What's Beautiful

Should I leave this earth prematurely, do not cry or me, for I could not find the strength to rid myself of my sickness.


I'm exhausted, not because insomnia breeds deep within sleep time, but because exerting so much energy into being sick is a full time job and I don't know how to give my notice, or if I will ever be able to. 
I'm not going to win so I'm going to live my life in the kindest way possible to others because I've never learned how to be kind to myself. I'm going to live honestly and genuinely to those who surround me because I can't give the same to me. 


Ed has won. 


I'm tired of fighting a losing battle, of my weakness being proven over and over again. Of my desire to stay sick overpowering my will to get better.  


Show me how it's done again Ed. 


I'll follow you where you need me to go.


*You have my heart, my soul, my whole life.*

.

LOVE.                                  DEFEAT.                                                                                


CONTROL.
                                                                                   HUNGER.
PASSION.                                                                                           OBSESSION. 
                                                                                 NEED. WANT.
                                                        HATE.                           COMFORT.
             STARVATION.
                                        INTEGRITY.
                                                                  BEAUTY. PERFECTION.
                     SAFETY.                                                                                           ELOQUENCE.

                                                              PURGE. RESTRICT. WAR.
DEATH.                                     LIFE.                                                                               


                                                                             FIGHT. 
                                                                                                          COMPETE. COMPARE.
 FEAR.                                               INSANITY.
                          DISGUST.
           GUARDED.                                                                                              HURT.
                                                                                 ABUSED. SHAME. SABOTAGE. DEMEANED.
 SCALE. FAT.
                               HARM. SKINNY. FRAGILE. 


                                                                                                                                  SECRETS.

JUST LOVE ME 

Food For Thought

food |foōd|nounany nutritious substance that people or animals eat or drink, or that plants absorb, in order to maintain life and growth PHRASESfood for thought something that warrants serious consideration.
Food is the foundation of life. Food is what keeps us alive, keeps us healthy, sane and energized. It's the topic of countless conversations, events, blogs, and movies. It's everywhere.
In a world where estranging yourself from food is highly frowned upon, some (a lot) will silently praise the will power of those who can "control themselves". I find myself torn, day in and day out, as being around food is intensely difficult. The substance itself is my fear, my nemesis, my hate.
I sit here and ponder what would it would be like to not think about it every second, of every hour, of every day. I can't believe I wont ever pick up a portion of food and not think about what I am delivering into my body. With every bite there is regret, with every small hard swallow there is guilt, and at the end of the entire process, there is utter shame that I, with so much "control", couldn't control myself enough to not eat what I had just eaten. I can literally feel the food traveling through my body, on to my bones, into my stomach, packing on the pounds that I so desperately need to remove, not add. 
So how do I distance myself from these thoughts. How do I remove myself from this sickness when I know how to align myself with it so well. I know I need to separate myself from Ed but the harder I fight, the louder it gets in my head and my own thoughts don't matter. Part of me wishes I never found it within myself to know that I was sick. There would be no fight to fight. Another part of me wishes I was addicted to drugs or alcohol. In order to get away from those, you literally need to not be anywhere near them. Recovering from an eating disorder though, I need to be around food all the time and be okay with it. I'm exhausted from battling myself and my eating disorder. I'm drained, defeated, and I'm wondering if there is any fight left in my tired body. Maybe it's just time to give in to Ed and let him run the show.

He's Back In Town...

The scale never lies, the scale never lies, the scale never lies. The scale never lies? 

I swear it started out as a simple suggestion. An experiment if you will. A promise to be happy. A plan. A friend. A way to control my emotions. It wasn't suppose to end up like this. It wasn't. I was lied to. My best friend is my worst enemy and still my closest ally. I just wanted to lose a little more weight, be a little more happy. I just wanted to be thin, to be in control. I just wanted to be beautiful, to be loved. I just wanted to fade away, to be heard. And now, now I don't speak anymore. My voice is His voice, my thoughts are His thoughts. my appetite is His appetite, my soul, my soul belongs to Him now. I sold it a long time ago before I even realized it was up for grabs. I step on the scale now and His voice is louder than I have ever heard it. I unexpectedly hear my small voice whisper out "that can't possibly be right," "but the scale never lies" He says. The scale never lies. He's screaming for me to listen, I'll be happier. To stop defying Him, stop resisting such a sure thing. He's my only friend, the only one who has ever truly loved me and just wants to see me succeed in something He knows I can. I just have to obey and listen. 

When does it stop, how does it stop. If I had my way, I would feel nothing instead of something. I don't ever want to know what it's like to be in love again if it means to feel broken again. I don't want to feel pain or sadness or despair. I don't want to feel happiness or excitement because I don't know that I deserve it. I don't deserve it if I can't follow simple rules. I want to be numbed out. 

Him and I, we're soulmates I'm told. Just when I think He's getting a little bit quieter, life happens and he shows up at the most inconvenient time possible, just to let me know he's here to save me. To make me thinner so things will get better. Exercise harder, He says, so the pain will go away. If I eat, the hurt will hurt more. Skinny people are happy people, and just so you know... 

The scale never lies, Melissa, the scale never lies. 

Still Broken...

As I write this, I can't help but bounce my legs up and down. I can't stay still, the more calories I can get out of my body, the better. If I can exert enough energy I wont have to feel what I'm really feeling. If I can make sure I am thinner than I was this morning, tomorrow morning, then everything will be okay.
The funny thing about a broken heart is that when you think it's not broken anymore, you're reminded at the most inconvenient time ever that it indeed still is. It hurts ten fold when you find out that way.
I received a text message while at work today that was not intended for me. I surprised even myself when I couldn't handle my emotions. I wanted to feel physical pain immediately so I didn't have to feel what my heart was so blatantly feeling. I needed to instantly lose twenty pounds that very second because that could be the only reason I was so useless to this person. So overlooked, so worthless. I came home and did the only thing I knew would make me feel better. I cried. I cried and I did jumping jacks. I cried and I moved as much as I could till I couldn't feel my legs anymore. Till I couldn't feel my heart anymore. Till I couldn't feel anymore.

Miss Representation

This makes me sad, and empowered all at the same time.



http://vimeo.com/28066212

Dexter

   I received the greatest gift in a long time last month. In theory from my cousin but ultimately from a three year old boy named Dexter Spencer. That night Dexter was the man of the night, dressed in the tiniest blue jeans, a black and purple striped sweater, a stylish green vest and bright green spectacles to match. Holding the hands of anyone who would take his, Dexter walked around the room saying Hello to everyone, situating himself on the floor in front of a live band while he pounded on a drum along with the music, or singing O Canada while his Mother was explaining why we had all gathered together for this spectacular night. Dexter is quite possibly the cutest (think the kid from Jerry McGuire just smaller and cuter) and happiest toddler I have come to meet. It wasn’t Dexter’s birthday last night, but we were celebrating this little child’s life. Dexter unfortunately was born 12 weeks premature, with a bleed in his brain that ended up causing him to have Cerebral Palsy. The only way he can get around is with a walker or by the hands of others. A year ago he was diagnosed with Liver Cancer and with six rounds of chemo, and more than ten surgeries, Dexter was officially put into remission about six months ago. He is now experiencing seizures and is being tested for Autism. Last night was the first time I had met Dexter and his family, as we gathered in a small room above a hockey arena in a successful attempt to raise money for this little boys medical bills. The parents couldn’t have been much older than I am and have just claimed bankruptcy to afford to pay for Dexter’s medication.

    If I learned anything from Dexter, it’s that you have to make the most of life. I can’t imagine that he is completely oblivious to what is happening to him, yet he still walks around with a smile on his face, wanting to behave like a three year old boy. We have to know that no matter what is going on in our lives, we have to keep fighting. The battle isn’t over until your life is over. If we want to be happy we have to will ourselves to be happy. We have been so programmed to believe that when we experience hardship it gives us the right to be miserable. That if someone wrongs us, it gives us the go ahead to seek revenge or to tell them in a less than polite way what we think of them. Some of society has been manufactured into thinking that life owes them something when they experience pain, disease, loss, heartache or anything remotely negative. Others believe that for some reason they must have deserved it for one reason or another, and take it out on others or in the form of self harm. I think life doesn’t really owe us anything, maybe we owe life a little something. Why is it so easy to blame someone else when terrible things occur but when wonderful things happen there is no one but ourselves to take the credit for it. Maybe we should learn how to be beyond grateful when good things happen. It’s so easy to forget the good when there is often so much bad. If we look around and experience the good a little more, the bad wont seem so... well... bad. Why can’t we be grateful when bad things happen too? Chances are it will hurt for a little while but it too shall pass. I think some of us need to look outside ourselves a bit more often and lend out a helping hand. Send out some loving vibes, give someone a hug who really needs it, ask someone who is having a shitty day if they want to talk about it. It doesn’t hurt anyone in the process to be more selfless and karma wont forget it either. 

   I think I may have gotten slightly off track here but I think my point is to keep fighting no matter what is going on in your life. Things may get better, but maybe they wont. Either way it doesn’t mean we can’t find the joy and beauty in this world. It doesn’t mean we can’t have more fabulous days than miserable ones. It means it’s better to leave this world with a smile on our face, being able to say we tried as hard as we could to be happy and to make others happy in the process, and to be remembered as a kind soul when our time is up.

Thank You Dexter Spencer for making my life a little more loved.

to learn more about Dexter's story, please go to www.littledexter.com

A Look Inside Treatment

Ever wonder what it is like inside an Eating Disorder treatment centre? This article is just a small glimpse into one centre. Having the strength to get on a healthy road to recovery isn't as easy as it sounds. Like I said, it's a battle to fight

5 Year Olds In Treatment...

Its sad to think about but the reality is eating disorders effect even young children. We need to start teaching children that what the media is spewing out all over the place isn't the truth. Lets focus on the intelligence of our children, tell them they are smart and not use the word diet in front of them. Why are we teaching our children as young as 5 that they need to be thin to make it anywhere in this world.

Read this and learn a little more

Ten Year Old High Fashion?

When did it become the norm for ten year old girls to be in high fashion ads? What happened to Gap Kids and Roots, with hoodies and jeans?
French Vogue provocatively poked at this principle, running photos of Blondeau and two other tweens playing designer dress-up captioned with, "Quel maquillage à quel âge?" -- What makeup at what age?But a shot of Blondeauwearing a red dress and stilettos lying on a tiger skin rug had critics crying foul.


Read more Here...

Confusion At It's Best

It's summer, I'm single, people need to know. Wait... That's not what my blog is about is it? Breaking up with Ed isn't about breaking up with a real boyfriend, in fact, hold on a second... I suppose in theory I'm not single at all. I convinced myself that what I have to say isn't important anymore. That I possibly need to keep my thoughts to myself, suffer in silence, and suck it up. After all, publicizing such a taboo topic seems outright outrageous, not courageous, right? If this blog is all you know about me, I sound like a girl with too many problems to deal with. That's not entirely the case though... A friend of mine messaged me the other day wondering why I hadn't updated anything in almost two months, inquiring if something was wrong. Well no, nothing is wrong. Nothing out of the ordinary anyway. I have thought about writing. A lot. Then I thought... Who does this? You're nuts. I battle back and forth about if I should continue to be so overt over something so private. If it is true that knowing me on such a personal level should be earned instead of spewed out all over the Internet. I'm completely naked and exposed in a place so accessible to millions of people with just a simple click. I would almost rather be naked... Literally. My other concern is thatmy title is "Breaking up with Ed" when in reality it should totally be named "Getting Bad With Ed". I'm not pro Ana or pro Mia or anything PRO eating disorders for that matter. It's been six months sInce I posted my vulnerability for the world to see and I feel like the only thing I have gained is weight and shame. Possibly a little wisdom somewhere in the middle. But the hold Ed has on me is still just as strong. I scrolled up to my first post and saw I had written this; "I just hope through one day at a time, one story at a time, I can educate and make it clear that this is no way to live." So maybe I have failed you and I. You because I have failed to educate. And me because I have given up the hope that my words can change lives and forgotten the confidence that one day my life will be EDless. It could be though that the importance of my blog isn't for me to get better, as much as it is stressing that this is no way to live, nor is it a lifestyle chosen. I believe I started writing because I truly want the world to know that Eating Disorders affect more people than you believe, as young as 5 year old children, and something needs to be done about it. I'm just one person, sharing far too much about my personal life, but there are hundreds of thousands of individuals around the world silently struggling, patiently waiting for society to get the clue that they're not vain, superficial or unintelligent. They're sick, heartfelt, and some of the most intelligent, kind people you will ever meet in your life. Having an Eating Disorder doesn't mean we're too stupid to know otherwise because we do know otherwise. It doesn't reign on being beautiful because we know what we do behind closed doors is anything but. It falls deeper, deeper than most can comprehend or understand at all. It is one of the most difficult things in the world engaging in something I know is wrong and detrimental to not only my body but my mind as well, and not having the ability to stop. On top of knowing I just need to "choose not to", I feel like I'm failing every day that goes by. While saying to choose the right path is easy to say by a person not struggling... Choosing the right path is like "kill me now" to someone who is sick. So I think maybe I have decided to keep blogging. To keep sharing. To keep fighting.

...

How did I let myself get here? To this point? To this point of self destruction where I fear I will never escape from. Where I wont get out alive.


How?

Happy Fathers Day... (Even To The Non-Dads)

 Missing You

No words I write can ever say

How much I miss you every day. 

As time goes by, the loneliness grows; 

How I miss you, nobody knows! 

I think of you in silence, 

I often speak your name,

But all I have are memories 

And photos in a frame. 

No one knows my sorrow, 

No one sees me weep, 

But the love I have for you

Is in my heart to keep. 

I've never stopped loving you

I'm sure I never will;

Deep inside my heart,

You are with me still. 

Heartaches in this world are many

But mine is worse than any. 

My heart still aches as I whisper low,

"I need you and I miss you so." 

The things we feel so deeply 

Are often the hardest to say, 

But I just can't keep quiet any more, 

So I'll tell you anyway.

There is a place in my heart

That no one else can fill; 

I love you so, Dad, 

And I always will. 

Author Unknown

   Time Doesn't heal all wounds. All time does is make the pain easier to bare, because it will never truly ever go away. The city is quieter than usual today. That may only be my own perception because I so desperately wish I had the opportunity to visit my Dad for brunch and tell him how much I miss him. I suppose I just have to settle for sobbing on my bathroom floor whispering through each tear "I miss you so much." I do miss him so much. 

   I'm going to try to keep this short and sweet. 

   While everyday is unknown, I can pinpoint the few days in the year that I know without a shadow of a doubt I will have a hard time getting through. Father's Day is one of them. The weeks leading up to today don't help either. Mass marketing is a bitch. With the week I've had, it hasn't made today any easier. 

I'm going to try and celebrate the male figures I do have in my life though. Like:

   Scott... The man who I look up to more than anyone in the world and knows all there is to know about anything. (I would never tell him that though, shhh) His happiness means more to me than my own, his love I know is unconditional, and if I'm ever in any kind of doubt, I know where to go. Thank you for always challenging me. 

   Jeff... Him, and his pup both have my heart. If I'm ever at a loss for where I belong in life at any given time, I'm assured without even needing to ask that I am a part of this family. A pseudo daughter if you will. We'll always share a love for anything coffee or wine related... and memories of being venturied. (Is that a word?) Thank you for loving me.

And lastly... 

   Steve... My pop's oldest and best friend. The love I have for this man is uncanny. I could sit for hours upon hours and just listen to how wonderful a person my father really was. Steve... Words can't even explain what having you in my life still, means. Thank you for making me feel close to my Dad when I need it most.

   So today, let's celebrate and appreciate the three most important men in my life, and all the important men in yours. This is for all the wonderful Dad's and step Dad's out there. For all the Dad's to be and all the Dad's that once were. For all the Son's and Daughters who have lost their Dad's and all the Dad's who lost a child that would love anything more than to give them a warm embrace on this sunny day. Lastly, this is for my Pops. Today, today I am going to celebrate you more than anyone. Today I will love you more than I did yesterday and I will smile for you through tears. Today I will miss you and hurt for you. Today I will do better for you and try to make you proud. Today I will replay "Bittersweet Symphony" in my head and remember you breakdancing to it. Today I will keep you in my thoughts, and in my heart forever.  

   As it so often happens, please don't take your Dad for granted as I'm sure I did. Love him, love him more than you've loved anyone. Thank him. Tell him you appreciate him. Be patient and know that he is doing the best that he can for you. Know that no matter what, he loves you too. 

   Missing you more than ever Dad. Forever and for always, I love you. <3

Such an old picture, I wasn't even born when it was taken. But I love it, and his smile, and him.

Falling Off Track

 Through closed eyes I could see a quick flash of light and then I heard it, the booming angry growl of the thunder. Gently shaking my house, hearing my wine glasses subtly clang together I could only think of one thing. “I know how you feel weather, I’m trying to get my voice heard too.” Listening to the sweet rain fall on the roof tops, I feel just as grey inside my soul this morning as it is outside. Instantly anxiety fills my body and uncontrollable thoughts enter my brain. Did I exercise enough last night to make up for what I ate. Did I restrict long enough. Should I have purged more. I can’t see my ribs anymore, how could I have possibly let this happen. And there it is, Ed is back full force with a vengeance. *Go away Ed. It’s too early for this, please... PLEASE leave me alone for at least another 5 minutes.* No such luck, Ed is like that annoying alarm clock setting that everyone hates but we all set because we know it will wake us. I just want to staple my duvet over my head today and stay sad with the weather. I’m too fat to get out of bed. Days like these make it known that Ed lives inside of me. Last night was a bad night, old habits coming back and symptom after symptom playing out over and over like a bad Hanson album accidentally stuck on repeat. I’ll never be able to do enough jumping jacks and running on the spot to feel I sufficiently excreted every calorie consumed. I’ll never be able to count enough ribs, I’ll never see a number on the scale that is a cause for a celebration. Even if I reach that “goal weight” that is always in the back of my mind, even on good days, it wont be thin enough. This is after all why I started recovery... isn’t it? I can’t bring myself to find the strength to pull me from the comfort of bed just yet, so I picked up a pen instead. If I can just bleed my emotions onto blank white paper, maybe I’ll feel a little better. Maybe Ed will remain on the page instead of being the lump in my throat for today. Every morning I wake up and tell myself to be happy. If I don’t make the conscience effort, it will forever be raining in my soul. I have to work harder than most to stay happy, believe in life, and to know that no matter what happens, I’ll never be in the same place I began. So when I open my eyes in the first few moments of waking, I turn over and see this...   

When I look in the mirror and hate who I'm staring back at, I see this...

Everywhere I go in my apartment is a reminder of why I want to recover, of why I want to be a part of the beauty of the future... 

 

Finding inspiration in a simple water bottle...






Or the most ridiculous photos I have on my phone that no one but me thinks is hilarious...

Or just a friendly reminder of the truest statement of all...

The rain is slowing and the thunder has left. I think I see the sun trying to grace us with it’s charm.

 


                                                    ...that’s my cue to get up.

Making Our Lives Available To Others

This was quite helpful to me today.

One of the arguments we often use for not writing is this: "I have nothing original to say. Whatever I might say, someone else has already said it, and better than I will ever be able to." This, however, is not a good argument for not writing. Each human person is unique and original, and nobody has lived what we have lived. Furthermore, what we have lived, we have lived not just for ourselves but for others as well. Writing can be a very creative and invigorating way to make our lives available to ourselves and to others.

We have to trust that our stories deserve to be told. We may discover that the better we tell our stories the better we will want to live them.

- Henri Nouwen

Trekking On

   I know I keep saying it, but I'm going to say it again. I'm having a hard time coming up with new things to write about. 
   
   I keep making plans with a girlfriend and it never seems to work out that we get together and without fail a few days later I see her randomly on the street, or in the case of tonight, while I am sitting at starbucks  stressing incessantly about everything life related. Enthralled in my computer screen, what I thought was some random girl sitting down in front of me, I was about to ask her what she would like, I looked up and it was the friend I keep making plans with. The universe is clearly informing me that her and I need to follow through with our plans. In a short chat I got some pretty fabulous advice from this wonderful girl. One of the only ways to let go of Ed, is to find something that I love even more. Something that is going to take up as much time and brain power as my eating disorder has. Essentially, something that is going to give me as much love and comfort and security... in a powerfully more positive way. (Thank You for the advice, I needed to hear that, at this exact moment) It's not really news to me. It's something I'm aware of, but it is always reassuring to hear it from someone I know, I respect and who I have such admiration for. It's just nice to hear from someone who "gets it". 
  
 On another note...


   I'm finding the only way to let amazing things into your life is to eliminate the negative. I recently made the decision to release something very toxic from my life. Something that I can only classify as being imprisoned by. I wasn't ever myself, I was extremely harmful to myself when things went wrong, and I based a lot of my happiness upon it. "It" is essentially a person but... it wasn't the person. Does that make sense? Let me explain. What I was so invested in wasn't the person, it was the feeling. It was the routine, it was the constant. It was my eating disorder telling me I needed this person in my life because I didn't deserve to be treated any better. I didn't deserve better. I decided that I do. I can only say that it was the hardest decision I've made in a long time, and my heart breaks every day over it because I can't have a friendship with this person til I get my shit together. I hate being this sick. I can tell you though that the very next day... literally the very next day, something wonderful was welcomed into my life, and I allowed myself to embrace it. Who's to say that it will stay, or for how long, but it's been years since I have accepted something that I so desperately want and so incredibly deserve. I'm just looking forward to relishing in the comfort of potential happiness. 
   A lot of things seem to be falling into place and falling completely out of place for me. Which makes for a huge tangle of emotions and stress that I'm learning everyday how to deal with. A lot of great things are happening, a fabulous opportunity to start a beautiful project, opening up myself to new people, and actually making connections, with people as opposed to just "things". So it is true that once you release the negative, great things start happening. It would be amazing to say that dealing with happiness is way easier to comprehend and handle but that's a lie. I'm having just as hard a time dealing with amazing as I do with handling sadness. Obviously it's just emotion... of any kind... that I can't tackle.


One Day At A Time....


... That thing I love more than Ed, I feel is somewhere out there.
  

Interestinggg

Dopamine release fuels anxiety in people with Anorexia.

Orthorexia: New 'Healthy Foods' Eating Disorder

Orthorexia: New 'Healthy Foods' Eating Disorder

Ya Know, Just Sayin....

I'm just gonna throw this out there. If anyone needs resources in getting help and don't know where to go, shoot me a message, if I'm not close to your area, I'll research it for you.  There is never a perfect time to seek help.
Also, if anyone has any questions or anything they would like me to talk about, cause I'm clearly running out of things here, feel free to get in touch with me!

Hope everyone is finally enjoying the sunshine we are all getting, I definitely am!

xoxo

melissakoruna@gmail.com

Yup, All Around The World

http://local.stv.tv/edinburgh-north/news/18107-young-woman-sings-praises-of-service-helping-her-conquer-eating-disorders/

Skechers Needs to ‘Shape Up’ Says the National Eating Disorders Association

Skechers Needs to ‘Shape Up’ Says the National Eating Disorders Association

We can't stop it, so why not talk about it.

Life as a Bulimic

Words can't begin to describe how much this video touched me... well, effected me. It was as if from my own mind, my own experiences. I suppose all who have an eating disorder are linked in this way. You're not alone.

The Scary Truth

My cousin is fabulous, my rock, and one of my inspirations for becoming a better person. A couple weeks ago she went to a body image conference at U of T that I couldn't attend, and provided me with an abundance of information that was revealing, educational and sickening. The facts below are pretty much verbatim from one package. I know it's long but please read it. If you've doubted the severity of an Eating Disorder, have placed blame on the person who is ill, or are just looking for more information... you must read. 

STRANGERS IN A STRANGE LAND

Body image despair and disordered eating are now epidemics

* 42% of 1st, 2nd, and 3rd grade girls want to lose weight

* 45% of boys and girls in grades 3-6 want to be thinner; 37% have already dieted; 6.9% score in the eating disorder range on a test in children’s eating habits.

* 51% of 9 and 10 year old girls feel better about themselves when they are dieting; 81% of 10 year olds are afraid of being fat; 9% of 9 year olds have vomited to lose weight.

CDC reports epidemic rates of weight loss in high school students. In the previous month, these percentages reported

White Black Hispanic

Exercise: 66.2 72.5 53.4

Dieting: 56 63 40

Fasting: 23 20 15

Diet Pills: 13.5 14 7.5

Purging: 11 8 4

A study of dangerous dieting practices in over 80,000 9th and 12th graders in the US including: fasting or skipping meals, diet pills, vomiting, laxatives, smoking cigarettes, and binge-eating:

* 56% of 9th grade females and 28% of males. 

* 57% of 12th grade females and 31% of males.

* Hispanic and Native American students had the highest rates.

* 43 million adult women in the US are dieting to lose weight at any given time; another 26 million are dieting to maintain their weight.

* Body image dissatisfaction in midlife has increased dramatically, more than doubling from 25% in 1972 to 56% in 1997.

* Other studies find comparable levels of dieting and disordered eating across young and elderly age groups.

* When asked what bothered them most about their bodies, a group of women aged 61 to 92 identified weight as their greatest concern.

* A major research project found that more than 20% of the women aged 70 and older were dieting, even though higher weight poses a very low risk for death at that age, and weight loss may actually be harmful.

* 60% of adult women have engaged in pathogenic weight control; 40% are restrained eaters; 40% are overeaters; only 20% are instinctive eaters; 50% say their eating is devoid of pleasure and causes them to feel guilty; 90% worry about their weight.

The Body Myth = a simple answer to complex dilemmas, by asserting that our self worth (and our worth to others) is based on how we look, what we weigh, and what we eat.

* The body is the answer to all angst

* Dieting is the quick fix

* Body hatred is a female rite of passage

* If we eat less and take up less space, we will be more

“The state of a woman’s health is indeed completely tied up with the culture in which she lives and her position within it”

-Christine Northrup, M.D.

SOMETHING'S HAPPENING HERE

Dramatic increase of eating disorders across race, ethnicity, class, age

Now a global concern- in more than 40 countries

Single-best predictor of risk for developing an eating disorder = Being born female

* More common than any other serious debilitating illnesses

* Current estimates are that 10 million people in the US suffer from eating disorders, while Alzheimer's afflicts 4.5 million and Schizophrenia, 2.2 million. 

* Federal funding for research provides approximately $28 million for eating disorders, $70 million for Alzheimer’s and over $350 million for Schizophrenia.

* The same number of people are suffering from ED as from HIV infection in the US

* Now the third most common chronic illness in adolescent girls next to asthma and diabetes

Eating disorders are multi-determined “biopsychosocial” disorders

Nature and Nurture

* Lifetime risk- 6% for those with first-degree relative who has suffered and only 1% for those without

* Consensus: genetics may impose indirect effects creating vulnerability

* DNA codes for risk, not disease

* The power of a shared heritable environment: intergenerational attitudes toward, weight, food, body image

Risk Factors Include:

* Family history of depression, anxiety or addiction

* Temperament

* Personality traits (perfectionism, people pleasing, sensitive)

* Cognitive style (obsessional, dichotomous thinking)

* Poor body image

* Family issues

* Developmental stressors or transitions (loss/trauma)

* Unreasonable cultural standards regarding weight/appearance/beauty

STILL, WHY WOMEN? WHY NOW?

“Culture is written on the body...encoded on it. Fat, thin, sculpted, adorned, starved, stuffed, the female body is a kind of text which, properly deconstructed, may tell us a lot about how women are seen in the culture and what they grapple with.”

-Caroline Knapp

THE GLOBAL BODY IMAGE

* First runway models all weighed 155 pounds or more

* The first Miss America in 1922, weighed 140 pounds at 5’7”

* Half-century later, beauty 50 pounds leaner, Twiggy at 91 pounds at 5’6”

* Today, average American women are 5’4” and 140 pounds

* The average fashion model is 5’11” and 117 pounds, or 75% of normal

* Icons continue to shrink and to sculpt their bodies artificially 

* Number one wish of girls aged 11-17 is to lose weight

* Plastic surgery for teens increased by nearly 50% in 2 years in the late 1990’s and continues to increase each year

* One poll says 25% of teen-aged girls in the US already considered CPS

“The state of a woman’s health is indeed completely tied up with the culture in which she lives and her position within it”

-Christine Northrup, M.D.

SOMETHING'S HAPPENING HERE

A $60 billion diet industry in the US

Special risk for teenagers

* Dieting actually leads to bingeing

* During adolescence, the body is growing, bones are becoming dense, organs are maturing. Dieting can interfere with these essential processes

* Chronic or restrictive dieting actually slows down metabolism so it is easier to gain weight

* The more severely girls/young women diet, the more likely that they drink frequently and heavily and use pot or other drugs.

Conflicting messages to contemporary women:

Diet Industry Feminism

*Slim down *Assert yourself

*Take up less room *Throw your weight around

*Shrink *Expand your influence

*Control your appetite *Trust and satisfy your appetite(s) 

*Be careful *Be bold

*Lose *Gain

Culture’s Clear Contributions

Within three years after western television was introduced to Fiji, women, previously comfortable with their bodies and eating, developed serious problems

* 74% felt “too fat”

* 69% dieted to lose weight

* 11% used self-induced vomiting

* 29% were at risk for clinical eating disorders

* The more a girl is exposed to the media, the more likely she is to diet and be dissatisfied with her body, her appearance and herself.

* Girls who compare themselves to media images of beauty are the most likely to develop eating disorders

* Adolescent girls who attempt suicide often report that weight and body image contributed significantly to their despair

* A systematic review of magazine articles - an inordinate emphasis on women’s bodies as compared to men’s

* Girls are constantly portrayed in silly positions, sometimes off-balance, often passively observing others, while the boys are active, powerful and in control

* Women more sexualized and objectified in magazine ads now than they were a decade ago

* Female body exposure increased, with almost 53% of black women and 62% of white woman scantily clad while only 25% of men were treated this way

* More than 17% of ads show woman in lower status positions, such as on their knees or the floor. Black women are particularly posed in sexualized, predatory poses, often wearing animal prints.

* Female undergrads report more stress, depression, guilt, shame, insecurity and body dissatisfaction after exposure to ultra-thin models

* 70% of college women report feeling worse about themselves after reading

* Men also see women as less attractive after exposure to magazines

MOTHER NATURE; FALLING DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE

* Before puberty a girls body has about 12% body fat

* The average girl gains 10 inches of height and between 40 - 50 pounds

* Most double their weight by the time they finish puberty

* During puberty, fat cells multiply to about 17% body fat - sufficient for ovulation and menstruation

* Mature adult woman’s body will have about 22% body fat - enough energy for an ovulating female to survive famine for nine months

* Women gain fat first in the breasts, buttocks, hips and thighs to protect our fertility, reproductive, and feeding organs

* Hard wired to respond to starvation- only 10% of women die in famines while 50% of men do

* Transition through menopause, average gain 8-12 pounds, metabolism slows 15-20%

* Hormonal shifts generate increased fat cells which produce estrogen to maintain bone density, decrease the risk for osteoporosis, and help to manage symptoms of menopause

* Moderate weight gain at midlife associated with longer life expectance for women

Weight gain is a normal and healthy developmental process

* Boys are to gain between 50 - 60 pounds and 10 - 12 inches of height

* With less appearance-related pressure, not as traumatic

The Bogus BMI- Developed as a population statistic. It has no individual meaning, is scientifically nonsensical and physiologically wrong.

* It makes no allowance for the relative proportions of bone, muscle and fat in the body, suggesting sharp distinction between underweight, ideal, overweight and obese

* Since bone is denser than muscle and twice as dense as fat, a person with strong bones, good muscle tone and low fat may have a high BMI. Thus, athletes and fit, health-conscious folks may be classified as overweight or even obese

It has important and damaging implications for individuals:

* Impact on self image seeing self as fat or deviant

* Some insurance companies charge higher premiums for people with a high BMI. Among such people are all those fit individuals with good bone and muscle and little fat, who will live long, healthy lives during which they will have to pay those greater premiums

The cost of continued reliance on the BMI:

* Doctors simplify their advice and do not use more scientifically sound methods that are available to measure obesity levels or to advise patients about healthy living

* It may impede our progress in addressing the relationship between weight and health

The National Heart, Lung, and Blood Institute changed the BMI at which we are deemed overweight from 26 to 25, but these guidelines for “normal weight” (18.5 - 24.9) contradict other government studies. 

BMI does not include an analysis and understanding of race or ethnicity:

* A BMI of 25 (.1 above the “normal” range) is associated with the lowest death rate for white men and women

* A BMI of 27 (2.1 beyond the “norm”) is associated with the lowest death rate for African -American men and women

* Native-Americans with a BMI between 35 and 40 (more than 10 points above “normal”) do not have an increased risk of death despite being above the set standard

* A BMI of less than 20 is associated with a higher mortality rate, although the National Heart, Lung and Blood Institute standards say that a BMI as low as 18.5 is normal

A focus on weight often has a boomerang effect:

* When body weight is emphasized as a criteria for determining success (such as wrestling, gymnastics, or ballet), those sports have a high prevalence of eating disordered behaviours and performance is adversely impacted

* Individuals told to lose weight often use dangerous weight loss strategies such as the abuse of diet pills and diuretics, and use of thyroid hormones, intestinal bypass, vomiting, fasting and very low calorie diets.

The risk of dieting:

* Often associated with weight gain and not with weight loss, due to the incidence of binge-eating

* Adolescent girls who diet are at 324% greater risk for obesity than those who do not diet

* No scientifically proven effective weight loss strategy

* Most do not maintain long perm permanent weight loss

* Those who are not successful internalize this as a personal failure

Project EAT, a population-based study of nearly 5,000 teens

* Over 1/2 of teen girls and 1/3 of boys use unhealthy weight control behaviours (fasting, vomiting, laxatives, skipping meals, or smoking)

* Higher weight and overweight teens engage in both binge-eating and unhealthy weight control more often than normal weight teens

* 20% of overweight girls and 6% of overweight boys engage in using laxatives, vomiting, diuretics and diet pills

Weightism: The Politically Correct Form of Prejudice:

* Fat people are stereotyped, judged as moral lacking, or are considered otherwise inferior

* Exposure to weight related comments or teasing increases the risk to develop an eating disorder

Weight-Related Comment and Teasing:

* Studies have found that overweight and obese school-aged children are more likely to be the victims and perpetrators of bullying behaviours than their normal-weight peers.

* The degree to which a child is teased is positively related to weight concerns, loneliness, lower confidence in physical appearance, and higher preference for isolating activities which is associated with decreased levels of physical activity

* Exposure to weight-related comments or teasing increases the risk of developing an eating disorder

How To Proceed?

* Redefine prevention and intervention goals and rethink health promotion strategies

* Shift from a weight-centered approach to a health-centered approach

* Weight-centered approaches toward health are a result of a thinness bias, where all that is thin is considered good and all that is fat is considered bad

Why is this shift important?

* When weight is the focus, intentional weight loss (dieting) is often seen as the solution

* 95-98% of dieting results in weight gain

* Project EAT: When parents recognized children as overweight, parental encouragement to diet predicted poor adolescent weight outcomes 5 years later

Project EAT Recommendations for Prevention of Obesity and Eating Disorders:

* Discourage unhealthy dieting; support eating and physical activities that can be maintained over time

* Promote positive body image

* Encourage more frequent and more enjoyable family meals

* Encourage families to focus less on weight and do more to encourage healthy eating and exercise

* Assume that overweight youth have experiences prejudice and pain (teasing/being excluded) due to weight. Discuss this with them and their families

“Anger in the Service of Love = Activism and Advocacy”

“If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem”

-Eldridge Cleaver

“You must be the change you wish to see in the world”

-Gandhi

“Be bold, be bolder, be your boldest possible to fight back against culture that fosters eating disorders”

“One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began, though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice”

-The Journey - Mary Oliver

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has”

-Margaret Mead.