It's, it's so easy. It's so easy when no one sees.
It's so easy when no one cares.
It's so easy when they can turn a blind eye because that's what's easier for them.
Don't say you'll be there if you won't.
Don't say "no matter what" just to make yourself feel better because then, then you'll make someone else feel worse.
You're not obligated to help.
It's not noble to lie.
A simple "how are you" will suffice.
It's, it's so easy. It's so easy when I'm so good at hiding.
It's so easy when I'm trying not to... Trying not to.. To... Care?
It's, it's so much easier when I say "I'm fine, thanks".
This, this isn't easy to do by myself.
It's, it's so much harder to walk in the dark alone...
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Time Didn't Stop
I often feel as though I have been standing in one place with my hands above my head, spinning. As if I haven't gone anywhere for years. I haven't moved forward, nor back. Simply a very controlled, constant, spin. I haven't been spinning though, not really. I have actually more just been pacing side to side. I haven't quite taken a large enough step to say I have moved forward and I haven't hit the back of my head hard enough yet to say I am moving backwards.
Time is such a complex thing. I get lost in it. I go through the motions of life so mindlessly that I feel as though nothing has changed at all. I don't so much adore change or embrace it when it does happen, so when I do in fact come to realize time has changed everything, unbeknownst to me, myself included, I panic. Naturally. When I want something, or someone, to remain the way it once was I try my hardest to make certain that it does stay that way. In a world where nothing is certain, time never stands still and feelings are changing like the fast hand on a clock, my tight grip and need for control, more often than not, tends to ruin everything.
I didn't realize how true this was until I opened my inbox and read conversations between myself and someone else all the way back from a year and a half ago up until a few days ago. We've changed. And maybe if I was a different person we could have changed together but I held on too tight. Maybe we both did. The passion though, that passion has always stuck
around. In times of love and hate, it was always lingering. My heart will never quite be the same because a piece, however small that piece becomes, will forever remain placed in another's palms. I can only hope I made the right decision this time around and foolishly (very silently) hold on to the belief that indeed, timing is everything.
I have no doubt this will be the longest year of my life. I hope so badly that slowly becomes untrue. With one foot in front of the other, ED and I will make it though.
Time is such a complex thing. I get lost in it. I go through the motions of life so mindlessly that I feel as though nothing has changed at all. I don't so much adore change or embrace it when it does happen, so when I do in fact come to realize time has changed everything, unbeknownst to me, myself included, I panic. Naturally. When I want something, or someone, to remain the way it once was I try my hardest to make certain that it does stay that way. In a world where nothing is certain, time never stands still and feelings are changing like the fast hand on a clock, my tight grip and need for control, more often than not, tends to ruin everything.
I didn't realize how true this was until I opened my inbox and read conversations between myself and someone else all the way back from a year and a half ago up until a few days ago. We've changed. And maybe if I was a different person we could have changed together but I held on too tight. Maybe we both did. The passion though, that passion has always stuck
around. In times of love and hate, it was always lingering. My heart will never quite be the same because a piece, however small that piece becomes, will forever remain placed in another's palms. I can only hope I made the right decision this time around and foolishly (very silently) hold on to the belief that indeed, timing is everything.
I have no doubt this will be the longest year of my life. I hope so badly that slowly becomes untrue. With one foot in front of the other, ED and I will make it though.
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