I was the innocent, naive age of 12 when ED came into my life. I was a shy, quiet young girl, quite easily influenced. ED knew I was looking for guidance so He took my hand and showed me the way, the way to Perfection. I didn’t so much know, or understand back then how long this relationship would last or how much it would take over my very soul. ED did though, He knew exactly what He was doing. If I could, I would flip a switch and turn Him off, or drive Him far away and leave Him stranded, but I can’t. At least I haven’t figured out a way to do so yet. ED and I have done everything together for as long as I can remember. ED was the first to introduce the importance of beauty and perfection in my life. He promised me perfection. In fact, He told me I could have everything and anything in life if I just trusted Him. If I welcomed Him into my entire being, loved Him, obeyed Him and believed in Him. ED took things slowly with me at first, it wasn’t long though before he came on full force into the most abusive relationship I have ever come to acquire. ED held my hand and signed my first gym membership with me. To impress Him and show Him that I was serious, I pursued a Personal Trainer. ED told me drinking 8 glasses of water a day would filter out anything toxic, so I drank 3.5 litres a day. I always had to go above and beyond, after all Perfection was the daily goal was it not? He would remind me often that no one loved me except for Him, forced me to stand in front of mirrors naked and pick apart everything bad about my body, He told me that only Beautiful, Skinny girls accomplish anything in life. That only when I can see bone, will I know true Happiness. On so many occasions I’ve wanted to kill ED, silence Him, rid Him from my body but every time I push, ED pushes even harder. ED has made sure that He never leaves my side just to prove that I can trust Him. Through every tragedy in my life, ED has been there to comfort me, to love me. When my Dad passed away, ED made sure that I didn’t console myself with food, He made sure that I restricted as much as possible to numb the pain. When life got even tougher at home, there ED was assuring me that if I just lost one more pound, things would get better. It always seems to be one more pound, just... one... more... pound. He swears its for my own good though, that one is easier to attain then ten. When I fell in love the first time, ED told me the boy didn’t really love me, that he was far too good for me and that I needed to be more Perfect for him. So I restricted even more. I think ED was just jealous, because things between that boy and I didn’t last too long. I guess I really wasn’t good enough for him, maybe ED was right. The more I restricted my food, it seemed I restricted my social life as well. I stopped meeting new people, stopped going out, and distanced myself from the people I thought loved me once upon a time. All I needed was ED. I became a vegetarian for ED, I even tried to be a vegan for Him. It hit a point where I knew I needed help, three years ago I told my best friend for the first time and she hugged me and assured me I would get through this with the people who love me in my life. I confided in those who I cared about the most and that was the start of trying to once and for all purge ED from this journey. I started going to group therapy, and talking about Him. I even started to eat meat again. I reached a point where I truly believed I would overcome this. I was 100% focused on me. Then... things started to go wrong again. I started a new job where I couldn’t make a connection with anyone, family life became even more difficult, I started to gain weight. And, I met another boy, who would end up being my second love, biggest support and ultimately the biggest heart break. ED thrived on all of this, these were His strengths after all. So I entered my first day of inpatient treatment and ED didn’t approve of this at all. He made me cry the entire day, told me I was too ugly and not skinny enough to be done with Him yet. I was traumatized, and convinced, I didn’t need help. After being assured that within a year I would be dead if I didn’t stick to treatment and against all doctors orders, I left. Anyway, nobody likes a fat girl right, all I needed was ED to get through the difficult times? So I fell right back into it with Him. This time though, this time was different. I would restrict. Restrict for days to the point of fainting, to promise ED that I needed him. I wouldn’t even leave my house for fear of buying food. Through all of this restricting though I had to compensate. ED punished me, ED was so angry with me for trying to leave Him, so ED made me binge. On foods that I would never think of eating. I no longer had control of this. And what happened then, I purged, I purged until my eyes were watering, my heart was going to explode and until every ounce of food along with every guilty, angry, worthless emotion was rid from my body and flushed into oblivion. The entire time hearing ED whispering “You’re a fat whore, You need me, I’ll show you how to be Beautiful, just Trust me.” So here I am, this is my life. Restrict, Binge, Purge, Repeat. This is it. ED once again has me convinced this is the only way to live. He has me on a strict vegetarian diet and work out plan, doesn’t allow me to believe people when they say they want to help me, has me believing that recovery is no longer in the cards for me. ED has made sure my size zero pants are too lose on me, that there is no food in my cupboards and just to punish me farther He has me lose control on forbidden foods for the ultimate guilt trip and forces me to purge it in anyway I can figure out how. Those times ED just stands back and I can hear His evil laugh as I sit drowning in tears from complete stupidity. ED is there to laugh at me when I step on the scale, to mock me when I can’t work out any harder, to taunt me when I’m in the grocery store, to assure me, I will never be quite good enough for anyone. Even when ED is momentarily silenced, I know He’s there, I know He’s lurking in my thoughts waiting to jump on the next chance to tell me how unworthy I am of happiness. Some days I truly believe ED loves me, some days He has me completely convinced that I need Him. Other days ED makes me want to die, most days He makes me believe that I deserve to die. ED has me self harming in more ways then I can even comprehend anymore, He has taken over my entire being, my soul and my life. *ED I think it is you that deserves to die.* The eye’s never lie, I don’t even know who I am anymore. I look in the mirror and all I see is Him. When I speak, the only voice that comes out is His and it’s never a voice of reason. I’ve spiraled into complete darkness not knowing how to deal with heartache, let down and failure. ED is here to “pick up my pieces” when I fall, ED has consumed me... This is my journey through battling anorexia, bulimia and every other kind of disordered eating. This is my daily fight. This is my way of holding my self accountable to rid myself from ED for good. I’d like to point out that I am still with ED but hopefully through the cathartic act of writing and making my story known, it wont be long before ED is but a distant memory. I’d also like to point out that in no way do I endorse ED’s behaviours and actions. I just hope, through one day at a time, one story at a time, I can educate and make it clear that this is no way to live.
*Love Is Louder*
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