A Hope For Happiness

Every morning I wake up in one of two ways. I glide my hands along my ribs and hip bones and either congratulate myself on eating as little as possible or I curse myself for eating far too much and just hope that I stayed in motion long enough to not gain any weight, because I sure as hell didn’t lose anything. After the thoughts have had time to process through my contaminated brain, I open my eyes and I vow “I will reach Perfection today.” I have yet to accomplish the one goal that I set out to do every day. I walk into my bathroom and stare into the mirror that is surrounded by positive words and uplifting phrases and wonder who the girl was that put them there. It certainly is not the worthless girl who is standing before me right now. Could we get her back please? If even for a moment. This isn’t what Happiness looks like. I know this. While my days are looking like this slightly less often as I begin to open my eyes to the world of possibilities without an eating disorder, the days that are filled with this painful feeling are still all too common. In a severe bout of insomnia one night I was so done with feeling like crap every day of my life. So I tore every positive word and encouraging sentence out of old magazines and at 4am stuck them on to the wall surrounding my bathroom mirror. After all my bathroom is the second most unsafe place in my entire house. (I realize this sounds bizarre to just about every one reading this blog, but it’s true) So what better place to have a little positive inspiration. Fake it till you make it. I have to believe that I am happy, to tell myself that I am worthy until I actually start to believe every great word that falls from my lips. So what does Happiness actually look like? Happiness to every one of us looks different. While our explanations of the feelings we encounter when we engage in the things that do make us all happy, will look very similar, we all stimulate these feelings in different ways. So what does it look like for me? I was asked this question on the spot last night. “What makes you truly happy Melissa?” This question has proved to be very difficult for me. I can ultimately sit here and list page after page, word after word, of all the things that make me unhappy... but happy, the list is slightly shorter. The good news is, I know there are things that do make me happy. I have this infinite, overwhelming, all consuming love for the written word. I can sit and read a book and forget about everything in life. When I’m sad I spend hours upon hours in Chapters, just touching books, reading their first few pages, without even realizing how long I have truly been there. There is just something so wonderful about picking up a book and reading the feelings that are being exuded through each page. To make up your own image about what is being said, to interpret it in your own way. To learn, to know someone else’s story, to laugh, cry, wonder, all on your own accord. Its beautiful. There is a feeling of greatness that radiates through me when I pick up an old book, with its pages falling out, the cover worn and wonder how many people placed their love inside of this book. I also find great joy in writing. It is a way to release every emotion I am feeling at any given time. I’m terrible with expressing how I feel when I speak, but if I’m given the chance I can let you into my soul through a few simple words. On the down side, I have pages full of how inferior I am to the rest of the world. How I will never accomplish any sort of greatness in life. I believe one day I will find the strength to rid myself from these pages, I just can’t do it yet. It’s ridiculous the euphoria I can be consumed with from the simple things in life. The simple things are what truly make me happy. The puppies that take over the downtown core, the sunshine you didn’t expect to see when you open your eyes in the morning, the hug that lasted slightly longer than usual, a quiet night in watching movies, and the kind word that you needed to hear to save your entire day. I want to learn how to immerse myself in the beauty that my eyes see every single day. I want to love without pain, speak without all of the hurt, and walk without the worry. I want to see clearly threw all of life’s distractions and hear all of the beauty without the noise. These feelings of happiness don’t last very long within me though. I have delved so far into my eating disorder that I don’t believe that I deserve to be happy. That things will inevitably go wrong in some way so I might has well make them go wrong on my terms before someone or something does it for me. I self sabotage on a daily basis. I have a hard time recognizing the things that do bring joy into my life. I touched on it briefly before, but being involved in things that will probably make me happy, brings about an unprecedented amount of fear. I was asked this question last night as well. “What are you afraid of?” Being the first to engage in conversation with someone, and doing things that I normally wouldn’t do. Being afraid of these things doesn’t really prove to be a great way to live life does it. So I’m dedicating my next two weeks in search of something else that makes me happy. Whether it is just something small like saying hi to some random person on the street or something way more intimidating like taking a yoga class, I need to push myself. 

“Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it.”- Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat Pray Love. I honestly didn’t love the book but this quote really struck a cord with me and I’d like to make it my mantra for life. Its slightly strange to me because as I’m writing this its just now hit me that I have faced one great fear of mine. Allowing others into my thoughts, feelings and life. Allowing people to read my writing. Its terrifying and freeing all at once.

There is something liberating, and exquisite about telling my story. I found myself feeling utterly defeated by the life the other night and in a complete breakdown someone asked me “But Mel, does anyone actually know that you feel this way?” This poor individual has been dealt the worst of my wrath and for some reason still continues to want to be a part of my life, so bless his little heart. Of course I argued yes, because well, I thought that I had made it clear how I felt to the people closest to me. Upon re examining my thoughts, I realized I don’t make many things very clear in my life. So I decided to make myself known the only way that I truly know how to. The responses back that I have received have been quite profound. The love and support that has been returned to me from my family has been incredible. They are what has, and will continue to be, what has kept me alive. Some of you may think I’m crazy for doing this, or not understand why I need to do it, but that’s okay. I need to do this for me. I’d like to change the views of eating disorders. To alter even one persons thoughts on them. I want them to be more understood, to know that there is life beyond it. I want the taboo and the misconceptions of this disease gone. I would like to help people, and to maybe save someone’s life. I have enough heart to change the world, hopefully I can start small and just educate some minds. I want to believe that having an eating disorder will serve some sort of greater purpose than making me miserable and that my life has meaning beyond this.