Unemployment Couldn't Have Been More Productive

I’ve been unemployed for nearly four months. On a whim i quit my job with the intent of immediately starting at a new one, blaming my place of work for all of my problems in life. So you could imagine my surprise when three days later I did get another job and was even more anxious than before, having to meet new people and start something, in my mind, completely foreign. This is when you could say I was at my worst with no will to do anything. I was the epitome of a basket case. A few weeks of feeling sorry for myself, believing nothing would ever get better, in and out of the emergency room, I vowed I would never find my way back to that dark place. I decided to work on myself... jobless. Don’t get me wrong, I still searched for a job, quite a bit, but the timing of year, and the industry I am in, it was difficult. I let it get me down some days, and blamed myself for being unemployable quite a bit but I tried not to let it deter me from my ultimate goal. To get on some sort of path to a healthier lifestyle. I went on countless (some completely ridiculous) interviews and was actually hired at quite a few places but each time I went to go to that job, I just felt it wasn’t the right time. It’s such a difficult thing to get yourself into some sort of routine and have to engage in something else and alter that routine. Part of it is fear of having to pick up something new and meet an entirely new staff. The largest part was just not being mentally ready to go back to work. Four months ago my job did have a lot to do with how unhappy I was. They put a large emphasis on how you look and not enough of the job that you do. Some unfortunate mishaps happened between management and I and it was much better to exit with my dignity in tact. I was lucky enough to find support in those around me willing to help and standing by me when I said I just wasn’t ready to head back into the working life. The thing with me and work is that I put all of my passion and energy into what I’m doing. Whatever is in my best interest falls by the way side and the word “no” no longer is a part of my vocabulary. I put too much determination into something that wont ever be my career and I allow it to be a reason for engaging in harmful behaviour. If I’m working so much I tell myself I don’t have time to eat and thats okay. If something went wrong it’s my fault and I should be punished. If I say no, I’ll be fired. I’m slowly coming in to my own and coming to terms with that things go bad, but it’s not the end of the world. 

So what have I been doing to pass my time? Looking for more productive ways to find happiness but of course. Setting up some sort of plan to find recovery. Relishing in the simple things, and learning money isn't everything. I question what my passions are, and just relax. Quitting my job was a huge risk for me because working constantly was all I ever knew and kept me busy and focused, allowing me not to pay attention to anything else. I'm in the middle of questioning my beliefs, god, and spirituality and have come up with maybe an answer most wouldn't agree with. I've delved into politics and am slowly learning  a bit about it... I think? It really just hurts my head. I'm enrolled in school for September and can't be more excited about. Decided if I'll be heading to Bali or New York (my soulmate) in August. I'm looking forward to the future and can't wait for life to really begin. Quitting my job was probably the best thing I could have done. I'm ready to go back now and it couldn't have happened at a better time. I've found the perfect job that I am ecstatic to begin.

So I guess everything really does happen for a reason.

Have You Been Served Today?

Have you ever found yourself in a situation that you know isn’t good for you, that brings about quite a bit of negativity and you just down right do not like it. A situation that you are so aware you don’t need but have managed to hold on to it with every fiber of your being for the reason that maybe it’ll change, maybe it will bring you joy one day, or it has just been around for so long there is no use in finding an alternative. This can be anything from a toxic work environment, a very less than perfect relationship that is more comfortable than anything else, a bad friend, geez, even something as simple as frequenting a restaurant that consistently provides terrible service and product that is mediocre at best just because it is safe. Have you ever stepped back and asked yourself... ‘How does this serve me?’

This question is in my head everyday, all day. When I wake in the morning till I am laying in bed at night fighting insomnia. How does having an eating disorder serve me? I can compare this to a very terrible relationship. Ed is kind to me at the threat of me leaving but when he’s got me where he wants me he kicks me till I can’t get back up. Ed’s main role is safety, he serves a thousands purposes in my life though. Numbs my emotions completely when I don’t want to feel anything. Pre occupies my mind so I don’t need to push myself in to doing things I otherwise wouldn’t challenge myself to do. I have consistency, control and routine. All the things I NEED in life. Yes... Need.  Having Ed around is reliable. I don’t have to think about anything else because it is the best I deserve. If anyone is mean or judgmental, all is okay because it only enforces what I already know. No one can say anything more horrible to me than I say to myself. I have security. I don’t deserve amazing, so I might as well settle for what I’ve got in my life at this moment. Tell me this statement doesn’t ring true to so many ears out there. I can’t make you understand an eating disorder, but I can tell you it’s an outlet for everything terrible that life throws at me. It’s not really about how I look but how I feel. Outlets show up in different ways to different people. Mine just happens to be this. But maybe... Just maybe I could deserve amazing. Maybe this isn’t all there is. Maybe I should embrace the unknown, the biggest fear of all, and search for the world of possibilities instead of just dreaming about them. Instead of staying lost in this very lonely, misunderstood universe. The follow through is much easier said than done. Believe me, if I know anything at all, that is it. I have wonderful days where recovery is almost tangible. Where I think I’m on a fairly good, less destructive path. Days that although I feel guilty for eating that yogurt, I push myself to do it regardless and times where I genuinely feel excitement for life and the future. The effort of trying staying positive and happy and excited is draining though. It takes all the energy in the world and it’s only a matter of time where those bad times come rushing in to assure me that my eating disorder isn’t far from my side. These days I feel as though I have been punched in the face, kneed in the gut, pummeled to the ground and beaten to a pulp till I can’t even stand up. Where I believe I deserve the worst, I will attain zero accomplishments and food is the devil that is just toying with my mind. I know I hate this. I know I despise the way I feel and I know it is disgusting and irrational the way I treat myself with such little pride. I would never imagine treating another human being with such disrespect, so why would I fathom treating myself this way. Because I thrive on control. I enjoy the safety and I relish in the consistency. There has got to be a better way to get all of these things though without self harm. 

Recovery I knew would be difficult, agonizing and uncomfortable, but I underestimated how much brain power and concentration it would really take up. Recovery truly is a full time job in itself. I feel like I am taking care of a child. I’d like to believe that I could take a short vacation from recovery every now and then and come back to it later but that would be slightly counter productive. I have to work hard every day to be happy. Convince myself to be nice to myself at least once a day, force myself to eat and try to be social. I have to be okay with the bad days because they are less frequent. I have to congratulate myself for the good days. I’m pushing boundaries every day that are mere simple things the average person doesn’t give a second thought about. At the end of my day though I feel like I climbed a mountain. One of the most discouraging things to hear that comes up almost weekly is that to be fully recovered could take years. Years!?! Please know, this isn’t an easy fix. It’s a lot, a lot of work. I suppose years is just a small amount of time when I have so many more after that. I’m tired of fighting. I’m exhausted. I’m defeated and am still searching for that switch that can turn this upside down for me. It's probably at the bottom of a cake, life would play that mean joke on me. What I’ll leave you with is this. What if we all stopped for a second and said to ourselves... ‘What if I could deserve amazing?’ See where that statement takes us. Think of all that could be attained in our lives if we believed it. You’d be unstoppable.

~*~Never Settle For Anything Less Than Amazing~*~

I Don't Know... The Follow Up...

My answer without any sort of hesitation for a lot of things is “I don’t know”. Maybe if I hesitated I could come up with something a little more concrete then that. The pressure of having to answer gets me every time. I don’t even know if I necessarily want recovery. I don’t know what I am afraid of if I do accomplish recovery. What if I am just a failure without an eating disorder. Then I can’t even say I’m the best at having an eating disorder. I don’t know who I am or what I want at this very moment. I could chalk everything really, up to the fact that I don’t want to be fat, then how come I am working so very hard to manage that very thing. However, you and I both know there is much deeper meaning to that reasoning. I feel hugely inadequate when I speak to people, from having to conjure up answers to questions such as “How are you?” and “What would you like to do today?” to other like “What is your favourite food?” “Where would you like to eat?” or even “What is it that you enjoy doing with your free time?”.  Essentially, they all end in the same way. I don’t know. Here is what I do know! Yes, I do know some things. Ask me where I see my life in five years and I can tell you. I know where I would like to be in even three months from now. I know what I don’t like to eat, and usually, I know what I don’t want to do in a day if a suggestion is offered. I know what kind of person I would like to be and the people I would like to surround myself with. I want to help and encourage others through each of their own obstacles in life. I know I have a good heart. I wonder if I put too much concentration on needing to be recovered before I can indulge in wonderful things such as love, traveling, success and the steps towards a career. I’m curious if it is at all possible to only be on a path to recovery, and happy. I speculate if I’ll be one to always have Ed by my side and if that is true, can I still have everything I wish to have in life.I also know I put far too much emphasis on what other people think of me, or if what I am saying is stupid. 

I have this incredible friend with so much passion, curiosity, and fire inside of her that I often wonder if she should be a philosopher over anything else in life, she is always asking Why? Like me, she’s got a lot of questions. When I speak she’s got a lot of follow up inquiries. Not only does she understand when I say “I just can’t”, she enjoys playing devils advocate in my life with out judgement. It is such a breath of fresh air to be surrounded by someone who has the balls to ask questions on a topic that seems so taboo and untouchable to most other people in our society. Such questions allows me to materialize up answers in me that are otherwise unfound. To say to myself “Is that my voice or is Ed thinking out loud once again?” I think I may need to embrace confusion and take it for what it is for now. I have a million and one goals for the future and one for today. To be perfect? Not too much anymore, but to just make it to tomorrow. If you see my in the grocery store I’m a complete lost cause, standing in aisles with the most confused look plastered across my face having circled the place twenty times over. An hour later I’m cursing healthy food for being so fucking expensive and realizing I made it out alive, unharmed and ready to battle another day. 

I dunno

It would appear I have been on quite the hiatus from the writing of my blog. There is one great explanation for this... I. Just. Don't. Know. I don't know anything. I don't know what to write, I don't know what you care about. Better yet, I don't know what I care about. I don't know if it is important that I don't know who I am without Ed. I don't know if it is of any use to tell you that recovery has been completely counterproductive due to... a food allergy? I could tell you for a few weeks I've been violently sick, and it's probably from a gluten allergy, and I have unintentionally... but also very happily... lost weight. Its under control now. By under control I mean I think I know what I shouldn't eat. But... do you really care? Probably not. Folks... I just don't know anymore. Well, I never really did but confusion has completely taken over more than I thought possible.
Recovery as it turns out is more like a science project than a life experience. I'm the constant and food... well food is the changing variable. Simply put, it fucking sucks. I'm trying to make the conscious effort to eat when I'm not hungry, to stay positive when everything I do eat makes me sick, all the while try to figure out what I even want to eat. To eat dairy or not to eat dairy. Fuck, I don't even want to eat. (Is that the eating disorder talking, or me? I don't know. There is that phrase again) I'm questioning if it is possible if I just don't like to eat. I'm wondering if maybe I really don't need to eat three meals a day, two snacks, at set times. I'm thinking maybe it is possible to just eat when I'm hungry and be okay with it? You see, I'm doing better, so maybe it is only a matter of time before I want to eat three meals a day, two snacks, at set times every time. Maybe, just maybe it is okay to just take my time with recovery and be okay with where I am right now. Maybe one day I'll actually find true love in food and not just in books?


I'm currently getting kicked out of starbucks so this is all I have time for right now. I promise, if you do care at all, I will be back sooner than later.

Jessie J - Who You Are (Boombox Series)