Oh To Be Normal...

Imagine a day where you wake up, the sun in shining down on your face, and you feel this abundance of happiness floating through your veins. You crawl out of bed hop into the shower and proceed to get ready for a casual day. Now, your day may be just heading out to grab a coffee, meeting up with a friend for lunch and then going where ever the day may take you. You have a vague plan. Now imagine you planned on wearing a shirt and you can’t find it for the life of you. You would choose another shirt... right? Perfect. Your friend calls and says she is running a little bit late... no big deal. Your pants don’t fit you like you remember them fitting... your over it. Things are a little bit messy in your apartment... you’ll clean it later. You finally meet up with your friend and you don’t go to the starbucks you thought you were going to go to, and lunch isn’t at the place you assumed. Things aren’t turning out the way you had planned. You’d roll with it right? I don’t function like you. I wish I did. In fact, I don’t function like most people should. The second I couldn’t find my shirt I would rip my place into a war zone until I found it. Anxiety would fill my bones the second something didn’t fit me like I remember it fitting. This to me could only mean one thing.... I got even fatter. Taking a look around the apartment I just destroyed would pull me into a full blown panic attack and my day is ruined. I can think of a million and one things that could ruin my day, and not very many that can pull me out of it. Going somewhere I wasn’t planning on going is another big thing for me. I need to know where, what and when I’ll be going somewhere. I need a plan. The second my plan is destroyed... so am I. Usually the only way I know how to relieve this stress, is to be symptomatic anyway I know how at the time. When I talk of symptoms, I am referring to Bingeing Purging and Restricting. I’m so far gone that this is the only way I know how to deal. If someone interrupts me having a symptom... needless to say I am anything but happy which often makes me even more anxious. Along with anxiety, I am depleted by obsession as well daily. My obsessions cause me anxiety. Oh what a vicious terrible cycle. I need to walk on the left side of people, take the same route to the same places I go. I need to walk on the same side of the street that I walked there. In order to burn more calories I’ll walk instead of subway, take the stairs instead of the escalator and I’ll stand instead of sit. I have to sit in the same spot in my groups and be there at the same time with the same coffee. I use the same bank and bank machine. Before I go to sleep I turn my lights off the same way, make sure my shower curtain is drawn shut, my bathroom door is wide open and my front door is locked. I lock my bedroom door, crawl into bed and make sure my door is locked again. If I heaven forbid have to get out of bed. I have to do it all over again. If my place is a mess... I wont sleep until it is clean. I’m obsessed with finding the feeling I felt the first time I shoved my toothbrush down my throat and witnessed my entire self emptying, and being flushed. The feeling of the utmost accomplishment of starving myself for days. I’m in search of being loved and loving. Obsessed with working out, eating, not eating. Obsessed with Bingeing and Purging and Control. Obsessed with fashion, being perfect, reading and writing. Obsessed with love hate and passion. Believe me, the list could go on forever. Everything in life is an obsession. We are never really ever fully satisfied. Our lives are a big want, a need. A need for things we can’t or don’t have, a need for things we do have and want more of and a need for things we once had and just want to experience again. We are often searching for a feeling we once had that we can’t get back to and become consumed by it. So you see, not only am I haunted by ED but I am followed around by his partners in crime as well, Anxiety, Obsession and Depression.  Sometimes I think if these three things would just be eliminated from my life somehow, I would be able to handle having an eating disorder. The only thing I’m thankful for, is that I am aware of all of these things. I know I need to change them. As each posting goes up I am struck with this fear of everyone reading these. Wondering at what point am I sharing too much and how disgusting I come across. I sound like a complete mental case. I’m not. This all just comes with the territory. I need to learn moderation. I’m slowly becoming aware that I wont die if you walk on the left side of me. If my will and determination is this strong to keep an eating disorder, I can only imagine the possibilities of putting as much effort into something I truly Love. Oh the things I could accomplish in life! I fucking hate ED. I wish I functioned... at all really. It’s exhausting keeping up with all these rules and rituals and having to keep it quiet. Absolutely exhausting.