Trekking On

   I know I keep saying it, but I'm going to say it again. I'm having a hard time coming up with new things to write about. 
   
   I keep making plans with a girlfriend and it never seems to work out that we get together and without fail a few days later I see her randomly on the street, or in the case of tonight, while I am sitting at starbucks  stressing incessantly about everything life related. Enthralled in my computer screen, what I thought was some random girl sitting down in front of me, I was about to ask her what she would like, I looked up and it was the friend I keep making plans with. The universe is clearly informing me that her and I need to follow through with our plans. In a short chat I got some pretty fabulous advice from this wonderful girl. One of the only ways to let go of Ed, is to find something that I love even more. Something that is going to take up as much time and brain power as my eating disorder has. Essentially, something that is going to give me as much love and comfort and security... in a powerfully more positive way. (Thank You for the advice, I needed to hear that, at this exact moment) It's not really news to me. It's something I'm aware of, but it is always reassuring to hear it from someone I know, I respect and who I have such admiration for. It's just nice to hear from someone who "gets it". 
  
 On another note...


   I'm finding the only way to let amazing things into your life is to eliminate the negative. I recently made the decision to release something very toxic from my life. Something that I can only classify as being imprisoned by. I wasn't ever myself, I was extremely harmful to myself when things went wrong, and I based a lot of my happiness upon it. "It" is essentially a person but... it wasn't the person. Does that make sense? Let me explain. What I was so invested in wasn't the person, it was the feeling. It was the routine, it was the constant. It was my eating disorder telling me I needed this person in my life because I didn't deserve to be treated any better. I didn't deserve better. I decided that I do. I can only say that it was the hardest decision I've made in a long time, and my heart breaks every day over it because I can't have a friendship with this person til I get my shit together. I hate being this sick. I can tell you though that the very next day... literally the very next day, something wonderful was welcomed into my life, and I allowed myself to embrace it. Who's to say that it will stay, or for how long, but it's been years since I have accepted something that I so desperately want and so incredibly deserve. I'm just looking forward to relishing in the comfort of potential happiness. 
   A lot of things seem to be falling into place and falling completely out of place for me. Which makes for a huge tangle of emotions and stress that I'm learning everyday how to deal with. A lot of great things are happening, a fabulous opportunity to start a beautiful project, opening up myself to new people, and actually making connections, with people as opposed to just "things". So it is true that once you release the negative, great things start happening. It would be amazing to say that dealing with happiness is way easier to comprehend and handle but that's a lie. I'm having just as hard a time dealing with amazing as I do with handling sadness. Obviously it's just emotion... of any kind... that I can't tackle.


One Day At A Time....


... That thing I love more than Ed, I feel is somewhere out there.