I swear it started out as a simple suggestion. An experiment if you will. A promise to be happy. A plan. A friend. A way to control my emotions. It wasn't suppose to end up like this. It wasn't. I was lied to. My best friend is my worst enemy and still my closest ally. I just wanted to lose a little more weight, be a little more happy. I just wanted to be thin, to be in control. I just wanted to be beautiful, to be loved. I just wanted to fade away, to be heard. And now, now I don't speak anymore. My voice is His voice, my thoughts are His thoughts. my appetite is His appetite, my soul, my soul belongs to Him now. I sold it a long time ago before I even realized it was up for grabs. I step on the scale now and His voice is louder than I have ever heard it. I unexpectedly hear my small voice whisper out "that can't possibly be right," "but the scale never lies" He says. The scale never lies. He's screaming for me to listen, I'll be happier. To stop defying Him, stop resisting such a sure thing. He's my only friend, the only one who has ever truly loved me and just wants to see me succeed in something He knows I can. I just have to obey and listen.
When does it stop, how does it stop. If I had my way, I would feel nothing instead of something. I don't ever want to know what it's like to be in love again if it means to feel broken again. I don't want to feel pain or sadness or despair. I don't want to feel happiness or excitement because I don't know that I deserve it. I don't deserve it if I can't follow simple rules. I want to be numbed out.
Him and I, we're soulmates I'm told. Just when I think He's getting a little bit quieter, life happens and he shows up at the most inconvenient time possible, just to let me know he's here to save me. To make me thinner so things will get better. Exercise harder, He says, so the pain will go away. If I eat, the hurt will hurt more. Skinny people are happy people, and just so you know...
The scale never lies, Melissa, the scale never lies.
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