Through closed eyes I could see a quick flash of light and then I heard it, the booming angry growl of the thunder. Gently shaking my house, hearing my wine glasses subtly clang together I could only think of one thing. “I know how you feel weather, I’m trying to get my voice heard too.” Listening to the sweet rain fall on the roof tops, I feel just as grey inside my soul this morning as it is outside. Instantly anxiety fills my body and uncontrollable thoughts enter my brain. Did I exercise enough last night to make up for what I ate. Did I restrict long enough. Should I have purged more. I can’t see my ribs anymore, how could I have possibly let this happen. And there it is, Ed is back full force with a vengeance. *Go away Ed. It’s too early for this, please... PLEASE leave me alone for at least another 5 minutes.* No such luck, Ed is like that annoying alarm clock setting that everyone hates but we all set because we know it will wake us. I just want to staple my duvet over my head today and stay sad with the weather. I’m too fat to get out of bed. Days like these make it known that Ed lives inside of me. Last night was a bad night, old habits coming back and symptom after symptom playing out over and over like a bad Hanson album accidentally stuck on repeat. I’ll never be able to do enough jumping jacks and running on the spot to feel I sufficiently excreted every calorie consumed. I’ll never be able to count enough ribs, I’ll never see a number on the scale that is a cause for a celebration. Even if I reach that “goal weight” that is always in the back of my mind, even on good days, it wont be thin enough. This is after all why I started recovery... isn’t it? I can’t bring myself to find the strength to pull me from the comfort of bed just yet, so I picked up a pen instead. If I can just bleed my emotions onto blank white paper, maybe I’ll feel a little better. Maybe Ed will remain on the page instead of being the lump in my throat for today. Every morning I wake up and tell myself to be happy. If I don’t make the conscience effort, it will forever be raining in my soul. I have to work harder than most to stay happy, believe in life, and to know that no matter what happens, I’ll never be in the same place I began. So when I open my eyes in the first few moments of waking, I turn over and see this...
When I look in the mirror and hate who I'm staring back at, I see this...
Everywhere I go in my apartment is a reminder of why I want to recover, of why I want to be a part of the beauty of the future...
Finding inspiration in a simple water bottle...
Or the most ridiculous photos I have on my phone that no one but me thinks is hilarious...
Or just a friendly reminder of the truest statement of all...
The rain is slowing and the thunder has left. I think I see the sun trying to grace us with it’s charm.
...that’s my cue to get up.
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