Confusion At It's Best

It's summer, I'm single, people need to know. Wait... That's not what my blog is about is it? Breaking up with Ed isn't about breaking up with a real boyfriend, in fact, hold on a second... I suppose in theory I'm not single at all. I convinced myself that what I have to say isn't important anymore. That I possibly need to keep my thoughts to myself, suffer in silence, and suck it up. After all, publicizing such a taboo topic seems outright outrageous, not courageous, right? If this blog is all you know about me, I sound like a girl with too many problems to deal with. That's not entirely the case though... A friend of mine messaged me the other day wondering why I hadn't updated anything in almost two months, inquiring if something was wrong. Well no, nothing is wrong. Nothing out of the ordinary anyway. I have thought about writing. A lot. Then I thought... Who does this? You're nuts. I battle back and forth about if I should continue to be so overt over something so private. If it is true that knowing me on such a personal level should be earned instead of spewed out all over the Internet. I'm completely naked and exposed in a place so accessible to millions of people with just a simple click. I would almost rather be naked... Literally. My other concern is thatmy title is "Breaking up with Ed" when in reality it should totally be named "Getting Bad With Ed". I'm not pro Ana or pro Mia or anything PRO eating disorders for that matter. It's been six months sInce I posted my vulnerability for the world to see and I feel like the only thing I have gained is weight and shame. Possibly a little wisdom somewhere in the middle. But the hold Ed has on me is still just as strong. I scrolled up to my first post and saw I had written this; "I just hope through one day at a time, one story at a time, I can educate and make it clear that this is no way to live." So maybe I have failed you and I. You because I have failed to educate. And me because I have given up the hope that my words can change lives and forgotten the confidence that one day my life will be EDless. It could be though that the importance of my blog isn't for me to get better, as much as it is stressing that this is no way to live, nor is it a lifestyle chosen. I believe I started writing because I truly want the world to know that Eating Disorders affect more people than you believe, as young as 5 year old children, and something needs to be done about it. I'm just one person, sharing far too much about my personal life, but there are hundreds of thousands of individuals around the world silently struggling, patiently waiting for society to get the clue that they're not vain, superficial or unintelligent. They're sick, heartfelt, and some of the most intelligent, kind people you will ever meet in your life. Having an Eating Disorder doesn't mean we're too stupid to know otherwise because we do know otherwise. It doesn't reign on being beautiful because we know what we do behind closed doors is anything but. It falls deeper, deeper than most can comprehend or understand at all. It is one of the most difficult things in the world engaging in something I know is wrong and detrimental to not only my body but my mind as well, and not having the ability to stop. On top of knowing I just need to "choose not to", I feel like I'm failing every day that goes by. While saying to choose the right path is easy to say by a person not struggling... Choosing the right path is like "kill me now" to someone who is sick. So I think maybe I have decided to keep blogging. To keep sharing. To keep fighting.