Treatment Aint Cheap.

I am, very shamelessly admittedly, having a pity party today. And I'm sorry, but I'm not going to feel bad about it either.

I promise my party of pity will cease tomorrow.

I don't feel loved one bit. I know in retrospect that I am loved, so it's quite ridiculous for me to not feel loved. Through no fault of any one that is a part of my life, it has nothing to do with them. It's totally and in every way, my own shit. I don't love me in any form, therefore I believe it quite impossible for anyone to love me. It's hopeless to feel loved by others, if I can't feel love for myself. I'm confused on how I experience love for so many others though. That... that's the part I'm having a hard time with. Why can I love everyone but me.

I don't believe in hospital treatment. It may work for some, and I'm sure it has, but it's just not something I am crazy about. I felt like I was stuck in jail and I had done something wrong when I went (for one day) to inpatient day hospital treatment. Bathroom doors were locked except for 15 minutes before meal time. That's the only time you are even allowed to use them. You had an alloted amount of time to finish each snack and meal. Immediately after eating I wasn't allowed to stand up for 30 minutes, not even to throw my garbage out a foot away. I cried and cried and cried as a nurse sat beside me trying to console me from not wanting to eat, and the doctor was in my other ear playing bad cop on how I had to finish my meal. Inevitably, I didn't and I had to force down a liquid meal substitute for what I didn't eat. Some girls were much thinner than I was, and some girls very much weren't. It felt like a competition in so many ways. I'm sure this doesn't sound horrible to you, but to me it was the most traumatizing thing ever. I didn't eat a thing for a week after and all I did was cry in my bed. Along with participating in inpatient, you must commit to not exercising at all. Walking farther than one subway stop is considered too much. No yoga, no running, no unnecessary walking and for me... no working. I whole heartedly believe that healthy exercise is vital in the treatment of an eating disorder. Yoga helps heal your soul, and your body. I know so many girls recovering who have found love in yoga. A good long walk can help clear your head, just as much, running can as well. Don't get me wrong, people with Eating Disorders often have a terrible time with letting go of the addiction to exercise, but there is certainly a balance to be found and that should all be a part of treatment. You wouldn't tell someone with binge eating disorder that they have to stop eating, so there is certainly no reason to tell someone to stop exercising when recovering from the hardest thing of their lives.

Even if I wanted to participate in inpatient treatment again, I'm fairly sure I couldn't. It has crossed my mind many times in the last few weeks to seek it out again, and in the last several years I have had three opportunities to actually go. I can't afford it. The actual treatment itself is covered by OHIP, but it interferes with any paying job. 9 a.m.-6:30 p.m. for 3-4 months, leaves zero time to work. Which means I couldn't pay rent or anything else life related. On top of the fact that they seriously frown upon me serving because I'm constantly running around all day. They also have quite the wait times as well. A month wait just to assessed after a doctor refers you, and then another 4 month wait at least until you start the program.

There are a few more options...

1. 45 day inpatient treatment in Guelph. 45 days seems a lot better than 3 months, and it's not just day hospital. I'd actually take all my shit and stay there the full 45 days. I've heard some great things about the place... bad news... I've been wait-listed for this treatment program for 19 months already and it doesn't sound like my turn is coming up any time soon. They have a certain amount of ward beds that OHIP covers and that wait is years. Yes... years. I often wonder how many people die waiting for their turn. To get a private bed it costs about $250-$300/day and that wait is still about 6 months. Providing 45 days is sufficient, I'm looking at, at least, $12,000. Awesome.

2. The US has some great facilities that treat eating disorders with high recovery rates. They integrate yoga and healthy exercise into recovery, along with vegetarian/vegan options for food, a focus on if being a vegetarian is the Eating Disorder or a real choice (which I'm having a super hard time with right now) and don't force you to eat everything all at once. They work with you to find recovery in a way that works for you as long as you are moving forward. That's what I've gathered anyhow. OHIP will cover a certain amount of days providing you can prove Canada can't help you. Otherwise... minimum $50,000 for the stay. Double Awesome.

3. Holistic Recovery Centre- $300 for the assessment alone. $175.00/hr for individual therapy, $50.00 for group therapy. $175.00/hr for aftercare. Suggested*2-4 hours of individual treatment daily for up to three weeks. Which I can tell you, 3 weeks wont have someone like me recovered.

As you can tell so far, in order to get into a treatment centre, you've gotta be rich.

Helpless dreaming, but I'd like to think one of the centers in the US would help, unfortunately, that is not possible so instead of wishful thinking, I have to find my own (cheaper) means of doing this.

So here is the list of things that I need... somehow.

Group therapy twice a week, a naturopathic doctor, a therapist, a dietician, yoga, a family doctor and a dentist. I can tell you even group therapy costs $20 a visit, and therapy is $150.00 an hour. On top of everything else I need, you can only imagine how much it all adds up to. The only good thing about this last option is... I can still work.

Can you see where my pity party came into play today?

I can't live like this anymore, I very literally can't, but I can't make it go away. Despite my best efforts (taking supplements) my iron just keeps getting lower and lower. The most strength I can muster up is to get to work, even then I just want to cry because I don't want to be there. I can't shower without bawling because my hair is falling out in handfuls. Without makeup I look like a run down beast with pale skin and giant bags under my eyes. For as long as I can remember I've been trying to be perfect, beautiful on the outside so you can't witness me dying on the inside and soon I'm just going to look like a monster. Oh the irony. I have no clue on how to grocery shop, never mind the inevitable panic attacks that ensue when I enter a grocery store, and every time I eat a "normal" sized meal I'm in an insane amount of pain. I know I have to eat but the fact that I am my own motivation and support system, makes it difficult to force it. I know someone else can't make me better, no one can wave a magic wand and make this all go away. Loving me wont fix me. I need an army, and if I can't find that with the people in my life (and by no means do I expect it from 99% of the people that I do have in my life) then I need to attain it else where.

I've just gotta win the lottery now.

I have this ideal situation where I quit my job and go into treatment and everything is fantastic finally, but sadly it's never going to happen. I very much know that group therapy alone isn't going to make this go away. Most days I feel I would be better off locked up in a treatment centre, preferably not one in a hospital like Toronto General. Mostly money is stopping me, partly fear. Partly believing it's never going to get better. That even if it gets a little better, I'll forever be living with an eating disorder is some aspect or another.

Since I started this blog I've danced around the subject of treatment and always say I'll get to explaining it another day. It just upsets me so much even thinking about how much money it costs to get better. The most deadliest mental illness and you have to be rich to afford the treatment. It doesn't make sense in my brain one bit. I think it's sick, and unfair and stupid. So there you have it finally. A small insight into the costs, the wait times and the duration.

Anyone have $50,000 I could borrow?

Didn't think so.