Thanksgiving rolls around and a bounty of mixed emotions appear within me. An abundance of excitement, a jar full of fear, sprinkled with a handful of anxiety. It makes for a beauty of a plate. This was the first Thanksgiving I wasn't suppose to spend with my family. I unfortunately got scheduled to work, the entire weekend. As the holiday approached, residual sadness just followed me around like a lost puppy dog. Curled up in the warmth of my eating disorder, I hoped so hard that things would change and I could see my family. I knew seeing them would be the only thing that would get me somewhat out of my head. So when Saturday came and I got called off my double, I was entirely convinced I would be called off Sundays as well. And much to my amazement, I was. I think it was all the hoping I was doing in my heart. I hightailed it up so fast to Bradford without a care in the world, knowing whole heartedly, the painful few weeks I was indulging in, would come to an end or at least be put on hold for a couple days.
As tradition would have it, the holiday is a time to be Thankful for what we have, to voice it, to acknowledge it, to own and to love it. Of course we should be doing this everyday, but we don't as much as we should. So maybe it's not so terrible that I'm writing this a few days after the weekend.
Despite my ranting and raving about the effects and lifestyle of having an eating disorder, I don't feel sorry for myself that I live with it. I really just want it gone, it's painful. I'm not blinded by all the things I have in this life though. For all the things I have to be grateful for...
At the top of every list in my books is my Family. Majority of my family are pretty big foodies. Every family get together is revolved around food, wine and love. This is probably every family maybe but under any other circumstances unrelated to the people I adore most in this world, there is zero way you would ever get me there. Here's the thing, they don't judge me. They don't force me if I don't want to eat, and they don't make me feel like I'm a terrible person. This often results in me having the ability to eat like a "normal" person without feeling like the entire world is staring directly back at me instead of their own mashed potatoes. This, of course hasn't always been the case, nor is always the case, but it is getting more and more frequent as the months go on in my life. I still feel anxiety about what I ate but the surrounding of so much love and happiness trumps the want to be symptomatic more and more. Whether I only get a few hours or a couple days, it's a time where I can be who I am without having to worry about impressing people or pleasing anyone in the process. I can eat things I would never dare at home, I can laugh till my cheeks hurt and my eyes start to tear, I simply get to witness the most elation and compassion you'd ever think possible. They are my entire spirit.
I'm surrounded by some pretty fantastic people daily. I don't have many close friends, but the ones I have been blessed with are pretty fucking fantastic. Cousins are very much included in this statement, I know if I'm ever needing a hand to grab, one will forever be there.
I'm thankful for the ability to see even the most simplistic beauty. Hear the sweetest of melodies and to touch the most precious items that a great deal of people don't get the chance to. I get the pleasure of seeing the sun beaming, and through the grace of my lovely insomnia it's not uncommon to watch it set, as well as rise in the early morning. Blessing...right? Ya, that's it.
I have an insanely comfy bed to sleep in, a very central loft to live in, and a job that allows me to support myself. I have life experience that has allowed me not to be ignorant to a lot of things in the world. A wealth of knowledge that gives me the opportunity to be kind to others even when I don't want to be kind to myself, and a heart that allows me to feel an incredible amount of love, sometimes to a fault.
I'm grateful for the dexterity to form words on a page for people to see, for the resilience to stand back up when I fall flat on my ass, for the strength to share my story. I'm fortunate enough to have the durability to fight my battle. Even though some days I feel like I am doing anything but, I am still here and that has to say something. I'm grateful for every single positive in my life, and more so, every negative as well because those just make me that much stronger and learn a little more. I'm beyond appreciative of those who tune into my blog, who comment and share and support and motivate. For those who secretly think I'm crazy or who silently cheer me on, I'm thankful for you too.
My list could go on and on, for this is not all I'm grateful for in this world.
Above all else, I'm thankful for love. Love in every shape it takes, in all the unexpected places it shows up, in every way it presents it self to me when I need it the most. I just love, love, it's one thing surely no one will ever be able to take from me.
Share with me what you're Thankful for...
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