It's Cozy Here.

   For the last two weeks I have quite literally just been sitting in my loft with my Eating Disorder. Maybe longer than two weeks. Uh well... yea... undoubtably longer than two weeks. Indulging in it, entertaining it, loving it. Playing with it, listening to it and letting it drag me down as far as it likes. I've just realized this today. When you fall right back in, it takes a while to actually see it. I've felt the pull, I've known for a while that the struggle seems to be getting more difficult, but I couldn't figure out why. Until tonight, just now, as I was sitting on my bedroom floor on the internet doing everything I shouldn't be doing in relation to my Eating Disorder. I've been invited out by several people, but I'd rather sit on my floor. I haven't any desire to go to work because it's too hard. I've pushed some people away... just because I can. Because I'm not worthy of their affection. No one significant in my life, but people who quite possibly could be very significant at some point. Dating is just not an option, people like that, could never love someone like me, once they get to know what I do on the daily. I'm at a toss up between fighting for life or giving up altogether. I begged and pleaded for help the other night, amongst a thousand tears, a million words, and ten billion different ways to say I'm broken, I got a simple "I love you, but I don't know what to do for you". I don't know what to do anymore either. I don't, I literally don't. It's this point now, this second, I've gotta make a choice. The choice to change or I'm going to go down hard. It's really only in my hands alone, isn't it?

Help me.

Help me fight.

Help me live and help me love.