Recovery attempt number 5623.25
or close to.
Certainly feels that high anyway.
The most important thing to do when it comes to recovery, is to do everything that makes you uncomfortable. Anything that makes you fearful. Do everything you don't want to do. Essentially, what you're doing right now... stop... and do the opposite.
When I say do everything you don't want to do... it's more of an illusion of the things you don't want to do that you do in fact really really want to do.
In this case, the things that I want to do.
I think that was incredibly confusing, I hope you followed me there.
1. Go to Yoga. I mean everyone, just go to yoga, not just me. It will enrich your life so much, keep you grounded when you need it most, give you a soft kick when you need a little motivation and most importantly, you'll learn how to breathe. Yoga scares the shit out of me right up until the moment I walk through the doors and lay down my mat. And then suddenly nothing matters during my practice except me and what I'm taking from each class. I psych myself up so bad that I believe I'm the worst person to ever do yoga, that I will never be good at it and I am SURE everyone is watching me and judging me. Only when I start a practice do I realize how ridiculous I am and not a single person is watching me. I kinda love it though, every time I leave a class I feel like it's the first time I'm doing yoga all over again. Whether I have been going four times a week or haven't been in a month, I leave with the same amount of gratitude, love and clarity and that is the best motivation of all.
2. Run. If you are put into inpatient or daytime inpatient treatment in the hospital, running, walking, and yoga are not acceptable. Walking farther than one subway station isn't even allowed. This may work for some people but it is a weighty component of what is keeping me from entering inpatient treatment. I'm aware I exercise too much, but I also know it helps my soul and my mood. I simply need to find a balance between the two and I'm sure it's out there waiting for me at the top of a mountain somewhere. Running for me is so freeing, and such a sense of accomplishment. It takes away anxiety for me and allows me to think with a more level head, and calms me down enough that I can sleep at night. My only problem is that I don't eat enough to go as far as I'd like to, or as far as I use to be able to. It's a challenge that I keep unnecessarily pushing, instead of taking a step back and walkin' er out. Learning curve.
3. Get rid of the negative. Seriously, take it and throw it in the trash, put it back where you found it and just get it out of your life, immediately. No one has ever benefited from having anything toxic or negative in their life. If it's a living situation, change it. If it's your job, fix it or find a new one. Boyfriend/Girlfriend, friend, enemy... if there is really no way to change the situation to make it better and it is only bringing you down, you know what you have to do. Any chaos that results from it don't take it personally, just know that it's their shit they are dealing with and you did what was best for you. Move on and take care of you.
4. Speak your mind. Being silent in recovery is the worst thing you can possibly do. I often find myself restricting my voice on so many levels for so many reasons. Sometimes I'm afraid of hurting someone's feelings, I think what I'm about to say is stupid or incredibly unimportant, I'm afraid I'm wrong or simply that people don't care much. But the more I restrict my voice the more I cocoon myself into my eating disorder. Reality is, what I have to say is important, if not to other people but to me. Bottling things up destroys you from the inside out. Frankly, things we say aren't going to fly with everyone, people will disagree, but also, so many people will embrace your thoughts and feelings. Speaking your mind allows you to form closer relationships and lets people into your mind. Pretty terrifying stuff... I know.
5. Date. Hahaha. I know right? Dating is human nature, to those unattached of course. Or secretly dating for those of you that are attached. Hey, I don't judge. Dating may be, hands down, the most nerve-rackingly, uncomfortable thing I can put myself through. I have to talk, there is no getting away from that. I have to pretend I'm normal, and be witty and entertaining for a few hours. If you know how socially awkward I can be at times, you know how strange this gets for me. I have to hold someone else's attention and share things about myself. It's scary for me to share even what I did the day before with someone, never mind anything remotely personal. There is surely no getting out of that though. And I have to eat sometimes, and smile and laugh while I'm doing it so this foreign person doesn't think I'm completely off balance in life. I'll share with you an experience I had the other day... I went on a date with this really great guy, and pretty late too, so I naturally expected that I wasn't going to have to go out and eat by this point. Boy was I mistaken. I'm trying to be as normal as possible in most social situations, so I reluctantly agreed to head to a place I have very much been avoiding for a very long time. It scares me, and he scares me and the entire scenario just scared me, so I knew I had to do it. And I ate, everything I don't eat, and I laughed and I actually had a really great time. Now I'm just trying to figure out how to break the news to him that I indeed don't eat those things and it was completely a one time thing, I just really didn't want him to think I was weird. I think this point goes back to speaking my mind, but hey, I'm workin on it. The other part about dating that I have severe issues with is that you don't know where it's going to lead at any given moment. I need to, and prefer to, take things slow. It's that awkward end of date where you don't know whether to go in for the hug or to gently pull them in for that sweet kiss. Or that moment they ask to come up and you want to run screaming... I mean, I want to run screaming. It's hard, for me at least, to explain where I'm at and way easier for me to head for the hills. So generally by date two you can expect me to make excuses for why I'm busy, and eventually you'll never hear from me again. I find it's rare to meet a guy who doesn't expect a lot by date three, and I also think I'm a rare case that would much rather get to know someone... well... before anything else happens. I'm guarded, a bit jaded, and am incredibly careful who I let into my home. I've had some not so great things happen to me in the past and I will do everything in my power to be sure that who I'm with respects me and my body. So if you happen to date me... be gentle.
6. Get out of the house. This is a lot of the times the hardest thing for me to do. Sometimes, I just don't feel like it. The hard part isn't necessarily removing myself from my house, but to actually interact with other people outside of my house. I'm more than content to grab a coffee and spend my entire day, alone, perusing the city. It's when I have to be social that gets me. Shocking? Didn't think so. I don't know what to expect, I don't like surprise outings, I'm nervous to meet new people for fear of them thinking I'm strange. Maybe I'll have to go to that restaurant I've been trying to avoid forever, maybe I'll have to consume more calories than I allotted for the day, maybe I just don't want to talk or be seen, maybe I'm fatter today than I was yesterday, my shirt could be white instead of black, fuck, I could virtually find any reason under the sun to not have to go out. And I for the most part do grasp at every reason in the book. This is one aspect that I definitely need to try harder at, and I will, I swear.
So here is me trying to be accountable for my actions for the 5623.25th time. Ugh. Recovery is beyond exhausting. I get negative sometimes (understatement of the century) I know, and 95% of the time I believe recovery is impossibly over rated. Ha. I give you permission to give me a good swift kick in the butt if I need it, but please, in the most polite way. Don't hesitate to bring to my attention that I do, in truth, want this, need this, crave recovery. Sometimes I need someone to tell me to snap out of it and get back on track.
Le Sigh... This road is an infinity... Who knows where it will take us next.
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