There is no getting around the idea that people are going to talk about you. You'll be graced with those around you that will speak highly of you, in the most positive way, and just have a genuine love for you. It's fair to say that even those who love you, may vent in a not so friendly way at times. You can't please even the best of friends all the time, and thats okay. We're bound to annoy, anger, and get on the nerves of people we tend to spend a lot of time with. Embrace it. People are also going to talk pretty effing shitty about you too. Please, embrace that also. Because those who do that, quite obviously have other things going on in their lives, most of the time it isn't even directed towards you, they just need an outlet for their anger in whatever way they see fit. Just simply make sure they aren't actually a direct part of your life in the future. What people say negatively about you behind your back isn't a true reflection of who you are, it's the way you choose to respond to that, with grace and respect, that shows your ultimate character.
I was cleaning up my house the other day and came across a picture of someone I had been friends with for nearly 16 years. Long time for sure. We've had our ups and downs, fake ups, and ultimately our last down. In the picture we must have been maybe 15 years old. I can remember my life at that time slowly starting to fall apart. 15 year olds aren't suppose to have that much pain in their lives, and at the time, we both had things going on that no one should ever go through. But separately and together we smiled and pushed through it a way a 15 year old would. A picture speaks a 1000 words, gives a million memories, and sends out so much emotion you can barely stand. The socks we were wearing touched my heart, the sweaters, the colour of my room, the stuffed animals that casually sprawled out on my bed and the smiles on our faces that may or may not have been real, made me sad and confused and hurt all at the same time. A simple picture. I went to throw it out, instead I carefully removed it from the frame, merely folded it in two, and put it in a box. That time of my life is over but for some reason I couldn't throw it out. It was almost as if I was about to throw out 16 years of my life. Which I theoretically have but I wasn't sure I so tangibly wanted to do it just yet. So I kept it.
For me, it was time to end the friendship. With no ill will towards her, she is a certain person, as am I, and the toxicity between the two of us was awful. Did I feel bad? Certainly. I think I felt the most bad that I didn't do it sooner, that I thought we couldn't make a friendship work because I was too sick. I so often feel that I have to be able to befriend everyone in my life and if I can't then there must be something wrong with me. I can find something great in everyone and the fact that I couldn't find a good reason to keep this person in my life made me feel sick. It's like you're trapped in love where you just want to try and try and try to make it work, knowing very well in the back of your mind, in the depth of your soul... it never will. So I ended it, in a maybe not so conventional way but in the best way I knew how. And for me that's all that mattered. I knew very well what would happen... and it did. Which validated every reason in my books, plus many more I didn't even know existed, about why I had to eliminate this person from my life. I would never dream of saying the things to her she said to me, would never plan her demise as she mine. A girl who once gave me the keys to her place to feed her sweet little cats, now wishes I had nothing but hate in my life. If nothing else, it hurts, and I'm sure she is more than thrilled that I feel hurt from her. Truth is, as I anticipated, a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders now that the longest chapter of my life has come to a close. It's not a crime to not want someone in your life, no matter how long they have been a permanent fixture. It's not a sign of weakness to release the negative, to do what's best for you. It's not my Eating Disorder talking, I want to be rid of that as much as I want to be rid of bad friendships, so I knew what I had to do. I just know I possess more respect, more class, and more dignity.
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