I've been in quite high spirits the last few days so I could simply chalk up this unexpected feeling of sadness to the fact that it is 3:30am and I am utterly exhausted with sleep no where in my near future.
Insomnia is showing it's invisible face for a reason though, because my brain is spinning. It doesn't stop, wont stop, can't stop. Could it be the curse of the creative mind, the madness that breeds inside of me forever, or just the fact that there are cookies down stairs that I foolishly bought that I want but wont eat. No... that can't possibly be it. They'll be in the trash tomorrow, I swear it.
I want to purge so badly right now, but I can't. I actually can't. Somewhere vomiting took a back seat to the importance of my teeth. Progress? Maybe. Too bad it didn't take a back seat to my health sometime ago. So I'm sitting here in extreme angst waiting for the 14 lax to kick in before I can feel empty again. I was so stupid tonight. There wasn't even a binge to justify the purge, the purge that wont even happen till morning. It was simply because I've eaten like a normal person for the last three days, normal person or maybe just more than an anorexic would eat. I don't know what a normal person eats. Regardless... It was too much and I sabotaged it willingly.
I've gained ten pounds today.
While we're here...
I'm planning an extended fast that I don't want to happen...
My feelings are hurt...
I miss someone that lives a million miles away...
I hate October, more so, I hate Halloween...
I don't know when an appropriate time is to tell someone I have an Eating Disorder that I may or may not plan on dating...
Scratch that, the thought of dating anyone or someone who makes food for a living scares the living shit out of me I don't even know how to put it into words...
I hate that I blog and no one comments, ridiculous, I know...
I use to post my blog on Facebook, and then only on Twitter, and now nowhere. I feel so much shame in having an Eating Disorder and I'm wondering why there is so much shame in something like this...
I simply want to know what it's like to be normal, if for only a day...
I want to throw the rest of the lax out with the cookies but I probably wont...
I have to lose ten pounds in two weeks...
My ambitions are high and I fear my talent will never measure up...
I'm too much to handle, I'm sure of it...
I just want to run away and start fresh...
I don't think I believe in monogamy...
I truly believe there is enough love in this world, people just need to stop seeing so much hate...
I need to apologize/thank someone who has made up a total of two hours in my life but has been nothing but kind to me and has shown nothing but concern for me.
This blog post will be deleted within the next 24hrs...
I'm a beyond confused individual.
I could turn any one of these lines into a blog post no problem, the elaborations of each word is what is keeping me from sleep. And maybe the fact that I am trying to name my kitten that I don't yet have, that may not exist yet.
I'm way beyond weird, aren't I?
Melissa, I have been reading your blog for the last year. I do not have an eating disorder but that does not mean I don't have issues of my own. Your blog makes me think about things that I would otherwise ignore. I feel guilty saying I like your blog because I wish you never suffered from this, but like I said, it makes me think about things in my own life differently. So here is a comment on your blog; perhaps the first of many.
ReplyDeleteAnd, you are not way beyond weird.
In case you are wondering we do know each other although not well.
DS