I was sixteen when my Dad passed away, eighteen when I no longer lived with my Mom and room mates have only made up about a year and a half of my living arrangements. None of my boyfriends have been possessive or controlling, the last time I was attached was almost two years ago. I don’t date, I’m not allowed to. I’m not pretty enough, or good enough. It would appear to the unknowing eye that I’m pretty much on my own, well, that I live alone anyways. That I have no one to answer to but myself, that I abide by my own rules day to day and think for myself. It would give that impression wouldn’t it. In reality, I live with the most controlling, abusive, manipulative person. He is the most powerful invisible force. Ed goes everywhere with me. Sleeps right next to me to make sure that I don’t get a minute of sleep without thinking about food. Wakes up and gets coffee with me and tells me it better be black... better yet, to just get a tea. Ed brings on full blown panic attacks in the middle of the grocery store aisles and has me leaving either empty handed gasping for air or with food I really do not want to ever eat. When I step foot into a mall he assures me that unless I am under ninety pounds... nothing will fit right or look good on me. I better walk home now. For anyone on the outside looking in, I live alone. For anyone who shares my strict lifestyle they understand this to be completely false. Every hour is accounted for, every minute is filled with strict rules and a rigid schedule. I’m treated like a child who can’t make a right decision if it were to save my life. (Oddly enough, I can’t seem to make that right decision to save my life.) I’m told when I can and can’t go out, who I can and can not see. When and what I can eat and when to restrict. I abide by these rules at all time, I do as I’m told with out question out of fear of what may come of my life, my body. If I voice my opinion I’m often wrong anyway and that just gets me in to further trouble. I have a list of rules I must follow or I will be punished. Some contradict others... my entire well being is a huge contradiction, and Ed is a hypocrite, but these are his rules, not mine... Ed after all is the one in charge here, not I. Some of these rules are punishments but all deserved I’m made to believe. Some I think are just for Ed’s own entertainment. He likes to laugh, yell, patronize and humiliate. Ed’s a bully.
Without further ado, I give you;
Ed’s Rulebook To A Perfect Life. (I... er... He Promises)
1. Walk... walk everywhere. I don’t care if it takes five minutes or three hours. If it’s pouring rain or fifty km/hr winds. If it’s -30 and snowing or +30 and you’ll melt. You will walk everywhere. *He tells me I should walk to Mississauga or Barrie when I go. While I do debate this for him sometimes, I need to draw the line there. I can assure you, I am punished in other ways.*
2. If I’ve rewarded you with being able to take the subway or streetcar, don’t think you can take advantage of the perk. Calories still need to be burned here, you will stand instead of sit. If you happen to come to a situation where there is an escalator or an elevator, you will take the stairs. No matter how many floors there are. *I sometimes find myself running up and down my own house stairs when no one else is home till my legs no longer function.*
3. No Breakfast. No Lunch. *Sometimes I can eat first thing. But that means no dinner. This is one contradiction. It varies depending on my behaviour in past days*
4. Vegetarianism. You’ve proven to be far too weak to accomplish being a vegan, being a vegetarian is the next best thing.
5. Water. As much and whenever you possibly can.
6. When eating, break your food in to small pieces. small bites, eat slowly so as not to eat too much. Taking big bites is unattractive and not feminine.
7. Carbs, chocolates, ice cream, chips, candy, etc are completely and totally... Off Limits.
8. *Wait for it.... here it is...* Eat as many carbs, chocolates, ice cream, chips, candy, etc as you possibly can in one sitting, till you feel sick and you can’t fit anything else into that defeated disgusting body. Now purge. Purge till you feel like your chest is going to implode, your lungs are going to collapse and your esophagus is pushing out blood. When you feel like you may die if you purge for another second... you have succeeded. *I hate this rule the most. This is one of Ed’s humourous little contradictions. I fucking despise Ed for doing this to me. After a binge I quite literally have to talk myself in to purging I hate it so much. I really do feel like I might die.*
9. If a binge has occurred or anything substantial has been ingested in the last twelve hours, I don’t care if a purge took place, you must remain un seen. You’re too fat to socialize or have any kind of enjoyment. *Needless to say, my social life sucks.*
10. Dating is not permitted here in the house of Ed. Not till you’re perfect. No one will love a fat worthless girl such as yourself. You’re not beautiful or established enough to be with anyone at this point, you keep failing. *Yea, try explaining this one to a boy without sounding completely nuts. As much as I want to, I plain and simple, just can’t do it. Sad really.*
11. At all times, you must be the thinnest, most polite, quiet, composed woman every where you go. You must exude the perfection that I have instilled upon your being. If this is not the case at any given moment... you fucked up somewhere, not me.
12. I will do the talking for you. You will do only as I say and listen to no one elses absurd “advice.” You will not speak for you can not make a right decision ever.
13. Weigh yourself multiple times a day. Measure yourself once a week, and take pictures to note your success. This is the only way to stay on track. *There are, in fact, days where I do not weigh myself because I can't possibly bare the number that stares back at me on that scale. When I know I haven't lost, or possibly have gained weight, I do everything in my power to not force myself to look at that number. I'm humiliated in my own home.*
14. Remember... Only I matter, I only push so hard because I love you so much. I will never leave you and I will bring perfection and joy at every corner turned. Just believe in me.
These are not all, but the most important ones in my day to day life. It makes me laugh a little referring to my eating disorder as a man named Ed but it is the only way I know how to distinguish my thoughts, from the tainted ones. I can't recall the last time I had a thought of my own. I can't remember a time in my life where the decision I made wasn't based on what Ed thought, I just can't remember. Most of you who do know me, know I have a difficult time making decisions, and I'm always second guessing myself. I second guess myself because my eating disorder is more important than me right now. I'm sure you can tell by reading these entries I have good days and bad days. I fall, and I stand back up again. I believe that is what recovery is all about. I'd like to get into the ways I hope to recover but I'm going to save that for another day. This isn't an overnight healing, as I so wish it were, I know I'll fall a million more times before I stand up for the final time. Some days I think I'll never recover, most days actually. The only way I know that I am moving forward in this process is that I can separate my thoughts from Ed's. Sadly, I don't know how to not listen to him yet, I don't know how to not let him win this battle. When he says "You shouldn't eat breakfast, you're too fat." instead of agreeing, I'm finding myself saying "I should eat breakfast, you're wrong, but I am too fat so I'm not going to." My voice isn't quite loud enough yet. I'm hoping it will be one day soon.
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