I've just had one of those slap yourself in the forehead "oh my gosh" moments. For three years I've been back and forth resisting against recovery. I've been resisting because I think recovery should go perfectly. As if I have been striving for perfection my whole life and now I believe that recovering should be perfect... when that is one of the things I need to learn to move away from. I need to embrace imperfection. I easily give up when I become symptomatic as I see it as a complete failure. If I can't go a day without engaging in harmful behaviour than I must not be strong enough to overcome this battle. This past month as been such a Beautiful Disaster for me. For most of my life I have not been able to recognize the beautiful and have been running freely hand in hand with the disaster. I know now that without the disaster I would not be able to appreciate the beauty as harmoniously as I am today. I struggle every single day still, I still dabble in destructive behaviour and toxic thoughts but they aren't AS harmful. The bad thoughts are more frequently being mirrored and challenged by more positive healing ones. If I wasn't struggling and uncomfortable I wouldn't be moving forward. When I become aware that I am not breathing, I remind myself to breathe. As I'm being ambushed with emotions, I tell myself it's okay to relax. When I feel like I'm walking with my eyes tightly shut and am being controlled by complete darkness, I try to find the light no matter how dim it may be. As I weaken from my past or become immobilized by anxiety about my future, I bring myself back to the present and tell myself that this very moment is all I need to get through. When I find myself involved in behaviours that without a doubt are detrimental to my well being, I reassure myself that healing is not perfect. It is a grueling process. That may be the true beauty of it all. That I'm not an epic failure in the game of life, that it isn't starting all over again after being symptomatic. It is picking myself up off the cold unforgiving floor, giving myself a hug and starting where I left off. Minor set backs are just that, minor setbacks. I am moving forward everyday and that is bound to bring something glorious into my life. I only hope I can see as much light in my life as I have witnessed darkness thus far.
All weekend I was engulfed in distress and anxiety and couldn't for the life of me find my way out of it. I was fighting against myself essentially, I felt as if I had no power at all. As much as the last thing I wanted to do was leave my house yesterday I knew I had to fix something. I didn't know what, but I knew it was something. So I went to a Community Satsang Yoga Class. It was the most intriguingly inspiring thing I have been a part of. Different people who practice at the studio come in and as a group discuss their journey and the role yoga has played in their healing and every day life. The energy was incredibly sublime. Another tool to aid me in my recovery. Kula and my Sheena's place groups are the only two places right now that my thoughts are not compromised. Where I truly believe that everything is going to get better and I'm okay with not being okay. These two places have brought so much light and hope and possibility into my life it is unreal. Everything really can get better.
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