One Giant Step In The Right Direction?

So... I've been introduced to an entirely new concept this week... it's called breathing. Who knew?  I've been coming into contact with an array of emotions I didn't know existed, ones I haven't felt in years, feeling feelings that are devilishly foreign to me and that I can't quite put my finger on what they are. Could these feeling actually be the beginning of healing, of acceptance, of dare I say it... Happiness!?! I don't want to jinx anything but I think thats what this could mean. Shhh. I've been less symptomatic this week... a lot less, and am trying to figure out if I actually am moving forward into my recovery or if I am just swapping symptoms for other ones. It's a very fine line, one that I need to be aware of at all times. I have to pay attention to my actions terribly closely right now. But it's been wonderful. I took up yoga and learned how to breathe. I learned how to pay attention to the needs and wants of my body, I'm in my own world for an hour and can just focus on healing. When I walk into the studio, ED is refused entrance, I love it! He didn't pay the $30 and I wasn't willing to shell it out for him this time. I don't hear him for an entire hour! His voice isn't telling me that I am sweating out calories, that I'm not allowed to eat after, that I am ugly compared to everyone else, that I'm not thin enough to be in there. For that hour... I'm lost in complete contentment and it is the most glorious feeling ever. I can't even describe the euphoria I have been able to experience, everything negative is being flushed from me (actually negative, not what I have been perceiving as negative) and I'm free. I think Yoga and I will become very close. I've been eating breakfast... lunch... and dinner this week too. Which is completely unfamiliar to me. It scares me and embarrasses me that I just wrote that for some reason but whatever. I had a minor slip up the other day... I binged... I purged... I napped and then I did the very last thing that I wanted to do, that ED was howling at me would be the WORST thing for me to do but I knew I had to... I ate dinner. This week has been exceedingly uncomfortable, vastly stressful, undoubtably hard, confusing and painful. At the same time it's been beautiful, hopeful, and healthy. It would be entirely too much to ask for my body to co operate with me at this point considering all of the hell and damage I have put it through for 14 years. It doesn't trust me, and I don't blame it. It's a fight to eat and only eat the right amount because I've been restricting it for so long that it wants everything. It's a fight to eat a few hours after I had breakfast and a few hours after to have dinner because I'm not hungry. I'm uncomfortable and it fucking sucks. I can feel each bite of food in my stomach, each ounce of fat on my bones each calorie doing what its suppose to do I guess. I feel more sick now then when I do when I am being symptomatic, it's like I'm going through detox... I think its a healthy pain though. I guess there is only one way to find out, to keep moving into the fear, into the discomfort, into recovery. So through the most successful week I've had in... well... I can't even remember when... I've learned a few things. 


I've learned that Yoga, David's Tea, Sheena's Place and the new Adele album is what is saving my life when I am alone. 


I've learned that grocery shopping is unnecessarily expensive and it's cheaper to have an eating disorder. That Whole Foods only carries low fat yogurt and not low cal and I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that. But also that Whole Foods ... and a high cost apparently... will be a help in saving my life as well. 


I've learned that I can leave my cell phone at home while I go out and do my own thing. That whatever happens in life will be there when I get back in a few hours and I don't need to keep constantly looking at it. My blackberry stresses me out and runs my life far too much. It's time to separate myself from the red flashing light. 


I've learned that while I need to find more healthy ways to be active, I really do enjoy it. That being active is going to be large part of my recovery and as much as people tell me not to walk everywhere or to be overly active, I'm not ever going to listen. I believe I'll learn how much is healthy.


I've learned that the process of healing isn't going to be fun. It's not going to be easy and I am going to hate every step of it. It's going to be chaotic, messy, emotional and difficult. I'm going to fall and stand back up many times over and I will have my good days and bad. If I don't do this now though, I wont move forward into the goals I have set for myself. Dying is easy. Staying sick is easy. I don't want easy, I want a challenge and the things I have struggled through were never easy so it would be unheard of to take the easy way out. I know at the end of this journey there will be virtue, grace and splendor and I will be more than willing to move on to the next journey.


I've learned that I actually can, and enjoy cooking. That I don't know how to cut a tomato and after cutting jalapenos you shouldn't touch your eyes. That I may have an allergy to avocados, and that I want to become a vegan the healthy way. 


I've learned that the days I'm not okay... it's okay. I just need to accept where I am in my recovery because I will get there one step at a time. That when I fall to just do the next thing that I know I need to do... eat, and then figure out why I fell. That there isn't always an answer to the question why, or a reason behind all of the madness. 


I've learned that I want to live, I want to help people and I want to see all the beauty, charm and allure the world has to offer. That even if I am having a bad day I can look back on it and see that there was at least one good thing that happened, even if it was the smallest thing easily looked over. I just need to find it. 


I've learned that this list will change over time. For better or for worse. That I will constantly be learning and growing. That I'm damn glad I have a blog because when my mind changes into toxic thinking tomorrow, next week or next month and all I want to do is fall back into ED's willing charm, I can look back on this and see that no... ED is a bully and an asshole and I don't want him in my life.


I've learned, and just today actually, that it's not about the food or about the body. That it turns in to vanity and fear of food and getting fat over time but that's not what caused this. 


I've learned to experience a week without anxiety all day long. That when anxiety creeps its way in, to breathe. 


I've learned that Tuesday is my most favourite day of the week. The love, power and safety it holds is undeniable. 


Lastly and possibly most importantly, I've learned that ED wont be gone tomorrow. That he will get weaker over time and I need to accept his presence for now and know that it wont be a lifetime before he will be but a distant memory. He has been the longest relationship of my life, he's not going to give up on me as easily as I would hope or like.

*We Must Face Tomorrow, Whatever It May Hold, With Determination Joy and Bravery*