Finding The Light

In the all too well known hour of 4am, I am reading a book, at least I was till these two sentences stopped me. “To recognize one’s own insanity is, of course, the arising of sanity, the beginning of healing and transcendence.” “Look how you live. See what you are doing, the suffering you create.” As my mind began to race with a novel full of thoughts, I opted to ditch the book for now and write instead. I’ve only made it to page 14 so the arising of more of these moments wont be a surprise. I’ve read this book already about six or seven years ago and it stirred things up in my life to try to better myself. Obviously it was one of those brief moments I spoke of before and it wasn’t too long till I fell right back into the comfort and safety of my illness. I’ve started to re red the book quite a few times since, I was just never again at the proper place in my life to grasp the concepts of acceptance, accountability and letting go... until now.

It is a sickening feeling being in a place where you believe you must suffer. Where you have zero say in the matter of healing. It is immensely frustrating hearing that you have the power to choose change when you feel as though life is defeating you at every corner turned. I want people to know that weather you are fighting the invisible battle that I am or another fight altogether, you undeniably do not have to suffer. There are ways to find the light in your life no matter your situation. If you are not ready to jump in head first and commit to facing all of your issues at once, that’s okay. Choose the most simple and move forward from there. You have your entire life to sort out everything else that is going on. Just be sure to promise yourself one thing... don’t ignore it.  

I am petrified that I am going to find my way back into complete and total despair. I was in a place no one should ever have to experience. A place that breaks my heart to know that hundreds of people don’t find their strength within to get out of it. For eleven years I was subjected to the heat of this hell. Laying in fire waiting for the darkness to just take me under. Hoping everyday that it would. Some months were better or worse than others but as a whole it was total misery. I can even pinpoint the exact day this all started to happen. I’m happy to be able to say that right now I am out of that place, for which I can truthfully say is the first time in eleven years. No one has to suffer like that. We choose to. If you had have came to me with this simple solution a month ago, and oh believe me, it was screamed in my face time and time again, I would have given you a great big “Fuck You.” Prior to starting this blog, I found myself in the complete depths of destruction. If I could find a way to hurt myself, physically, mentally, emotionally, I was doing it without hesitation. I couldn’t see any other way to relieve the pain I was experiencing, and it did work... momentarily.  I hit a point where I was paralyzed by fear (not the good kind) because I knew I was going to die if I didn’t choose change. Either my eating disorder was going to kill me or I was going to kill myself. The thought of dying didn’t worry me in the least but the notion that I wanted to do it myself did. I’m still not out of the woods on the eating disorder front but I am in a place where I am going to fight every day for my life. I’m going to battle every moment to not fall back into the feelings of hopelessness because it is indescribably the worst feeling I have ever come to know. I knew in order to just hit one day where I wanted to live I had to change something. I sat and contemplated for hours, realistically more likely days, about what was bothering me the most. It came to be that I am highly misunderstood, easily overlooked and no one truly knew or grasped the trouble or pain I was in. I was awful at explaining myself or making myself heard. I was wonderful at pretending like everything was better then it really was. I could say over and over that I have an eating disorder but society has painted this distorted picture that it is an incredibly superficial issue and I am still tremendously ashamed of it. I can say I want to die till I am blue in the face (pretty sure that happened a few times) but people sadly don’t take that seriously and see it as a cry for attention. When honestly the only reason I chose not to take my own life was because I felt I would be an even larger burden to those around me dead then I was just trying to fade into the background. I needed people to understand what it is like to live with this illness every fucking day of my life and not being able to escape it. The secret alone was essentially killing me slowly. So I did the most drastic thing in the only way I knew how to make others understand me. Through the written word. I did this for me and for those struggling every day of their lives. I did this for those that I love so very much and know I have hurt and sincerely never intended on doing so. I did this for anyone who wished to understand me, anyone else fighting this battle, or just the illness itself better. I did this so people know that if I can get through it, anyone can. When you feel as though no one has ever felt the all consuming pain you are feeling, that no one understands and no one ever will. That there is no way out and everyone in your world would be better off without you. I’m here to say I have felt that soul numbing pain right to the depths of my being, I understand how excruciating it really is. There is always a way out and no one is better off when someone else dies. I did this so I can love life again the way I know I must have once. Even if it was when I was two years old happily playing in the mud. This is my promise to myself to always follow the light. 

I couldn’t understand what a life without feeling pain would be like. The notion of wanting to live was so far from tangible to me. I looked around at people who surrounded me and wondered daily what it would be like to live a life free from destruction, from the need to hurt myself. I concluded I could never love myself, or find the strength to try, and silently gave up on life. I wondered if everyone else was secretly engaging in similar behaviour because to me, harm is the only way to deal with emotions. Constructive, healing and healthy were such foreign images to me. Doctors told me to just distract myself and sent me on my merry way when I would find myself in the ER telling them I was scared I was going to kill myself. Distract myself how?!? There certainly are not many ways to find distractions at 4am, their suggestions were, and I believe still are, useless. They don't comprehend the severity. I have yet to come into contact with a competent GP or ER Doctor that takes me seriously or who wants to help. Literally everyone involved in my life didn’t know how to help, didn’t want to, or just didn’t get it. Apparently wanting to die is just as foreign a concept to healthy people as living was to me. Who knew?! Even just a month later I feel as though it was someone else living out my life then. In those intense moments of despair, where everything appeared unfixable, where I would be drowning in a tidal wave of emotions and pain I was never taught how to deal with, I really believe I felt as if I had no other choice. In those moments I felt as though I was seeing through someone else’s eyes, touching with someone else’s hands, thinking with someone else’s brain. My heart temporarily quit beating, my soul was numbed out and momentarily misplaced. Rational thoughts were forbidden and tainted ones would take me over. I couldn’t think of one good thing in my life. Not one. Those were the worst moments of my life where the only way to come back to reality was to physically hurt myself. I would sit on my bathroom floor drowning in my own tears hurting myself until I could breathe once more. Till my heart resumed beating and my soul found its way back. Till I could remember how much I love my wonderful family. For me, it turns out, they were and continue to be, my life, my light and my reason for anything good. Without the support from my aunts, uncles and cousins I wouldn’t be here. It will look different for everyone, for me, I’m glad I have received a resounding amount of love, and I have so much more to give.

The book is A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. I highly recommend it, it's changing my life... for the second time around. I hit a day where it finally came down to two choices. I'm going to die today, or I'm going to live. I believe I said to my Mom a few days before "Help me live or help me die, but please just help me." If I didn't say it, I certainly thought it. (Sorry Mom, I love you). I chose the hardest thing of all, I was taking my life back for good. I started forcing myself to my groups and made sure I left my house everyday. I needed to find something that I loved. Whether it was just the fresh air, a coffee, a book, or just walking. It sincerely has been the smallest things that have gotten me to start taking my power back. You've just got to make the choice, the one to live, and remind yourself everyday, till it gets a little bit easier, that you are worth the entire world. The most important thing of all I asked for help, and was active in the follow through. I wanted it. I learn a bit more each day about what I need to do to get better. I'm finding love in things I didn't know existed. Hopefully one day I'll find a true love for myself. I'm still having a difficult time seeing an end in sight to my eating disorder but I work really hard every day. I refuse to give up, and I will be alive to see the beautiful ending to such a long trying journey.