My Last Post...

I wanted to create a view of me that wasn't related to my eating disorder, so that's what I published below. I've decided to take a hiatus from blog writing and focus on everything positive in my life. If you met me tomorrow you would have no idea that I am effected by Ed. You can't hear Him, you certainly can't see Him and I never ever talk about him. My last few posts have just become more negative and that is only going to turn me into the self that I was almost two years ago. I'm not aiming for sadness, I'm striving for greatness. I need to move forward in life and excel. My eating disorder is a part of me, yes, but it's not the entire part. I believe with my whole heart that I can accomplish many great things in this life with or without Ed. Maybe I'm being naive to think that I can move forward without dealing with this first. Maybe I'm being ignorant in thinking that it's not always going to be a problem and it effects me in so many ways. I know it effects me straight to the bottom of my soul, but it's just one thing. One thing that I don't want. If I continue to focus on what I don't want though, that's all I'm going to get. If I keep writing about the negative impacts my eating disorder has on my life, that's surly all I'm going to get out of life. Negative breeds negative. Whether I find greatness and achieve all I want to achieve and Ed simply disappears because he no longer has a purpose in my life anymore, or he will always be that voice deep within my mind telling me that I need to be thinner, I need to believe that this isn't all there is.

Lately I sit down to write, and I draw a complete blank. I focus so much on what I should be writing about where it hits a point that all I am now thinking in the moment is Ed. Whenever I try to recover, Ed consumes me. Ed gets Louder, and Louder, and Louder. I then fall into some deep dark hole that is often too difficult for me to get out of. My intent now is to better myself, better my life and focus on tangible goals that I do want. Not the one thing I need to get rid of. My hope is that I will create this fantastic life for myself that I can't help but want to be a part of. 

I made a change to my blog recently, for a couple of reasons... It just looks happier now. Also, I couldn't in good conscience anymore write under the heading "Breaking Up With Ed" when I have been doing anything but. Maybe I just need some time away from looking at my blog. Away from thinking about Ed. Maybe in a month, or six months, I can come back and write again. Or MAYBE I can develop an entirely different blog. After all, writing lives inside of me. With or without Ed, words will forever be a part of me. I have too much to live for to allow something that doesn't define me, break me.

So with a re vamped blog look that will be warmly neglected for the next little while and a lot of love in my heart, I shall be off. Please send nothing but good vibes my way. I leave with nothing but warm wishes and love your way. 

*Where there is love, there is life*