It's Not Just About Being Pretty

Perhaps I was unclear when I mentioned time and time again that an eating disorder is not about vanity, it's not about the food, it's not about the body. My body is simply the mechanism that is getting the short end of the stick in this deal. It's an outlet for my emotions, my struggles. I can not simply look into the mirror and tell myself I am beautiful and be done with it. I just can't, I'm sorry. Nor can I just tell my eating disorder to depart, to get out of my life and stop tormenting me. If it was that easy, geez, there would be no blog to write. I can't just eat and feel okay about it. I can't put on my size zero pants and love the way they look. I can't have a conversation with someone and think they give a shit about what I'm talking about. I can't think that life is magically going to work out for me without fighting really really hard to make it work. I am not vain. I'm affected by an eating disorder. So please... please, stop telling me I'm getting better, because I'm not. Please stop telling me I'm stronger than this, because it's been proven otherwise. I don't want to hear anymore that I just need to tell Ed to get lost, because I can't do it on my own. I'll figure it out one day.... today, today just isn't that day. Neither was yesterday, or last week.