It would appear I have been on quite the hiatus from the writing of my blog. There is one great explanation for this... I. Just. Don't. Know. I don't know anything. I don't know what to write, I don't know what you care about. Better yet, I don't know what I care about. I don't know if it is important that I don't know who I am without Ed. I don't know if it is of any use to tell you that recovery has been completely counterproductive due to... a food allergy? I could tell you for a few weeks I've been violently sick, and it's probably from a gluten allergy, and I have unintentionally... but also very happily... lost weight. Its under control now. By under control I mean I think I know what I shouldn't eat. But... do you really care? Probably not. Folks... I just don't know anymore. Well, I never really did but confusion has completely taken over more than I thought possible.
Recovery as it turns out is more like a science project than a life experience. I'm the constant and food... well food is the changing variable. Simply put, it fucking sucks. I'm trying to make the conscious effort to eat when I'm not hungry, to stay positive when everything I do eat makes me sick, all the while try to figure out what I even want to eat. To eat dairy or not to eat dairy. Fuck, I don't even want to eat. (Is that the eating disorder talking, or me? I don't know. There is that phrase again) I'm questioning if it is possible if I just don't like to eat. I'm wondering if maybe I really don't need to eat three meals a day, two snacks, at set times. I'm thinking maybe it is possible to just eat when I'm hungry and be okay with it? You see, I'm doing better, so maybe it is only a matter of time before I want to eat three meals a day, two snacks, at set times every time. Maybe, just maybe it is okay to just take my time with recovery and be okay with where I am right now. Maybe one day I'll actually find true love in food and not just in books?
I'm currently getting kicked out of starbucks so this is all I have time for right now. I promise, if you do care at all, I will be back sooner than later.
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