My answer without any sort of hesitation for a lot of things is “I don’t know”. Maybe if I hesitated I could come up with something a little more concrete then that. The pressure of having to answer gets me every time. I don’t even know if I necessarily want recovery. I don’t know what I am afraid of if I do accomplish recovery. What if I am just a failure without an eating disorder. Then I can’t even say I’m the best at having an eating disorder. I don’t know who I am or what I want at this very moment. I could chalk everything really, up to the fact that I don’t want to be fat, then how come I am working so very hard to manage that very thing. However, you and I both know there is much deeper meaning to that reasoning. I feel hugely inadequate when I speak to people, from having to conjure up answers to questions such as “How are you?” and “What would you like to do today?” to other like “What is your favourite food?” “Where would you like to eat?” or even “What is it that you enjoy doing with your free time?”. Essentially, they all end in the same way. I don’t know. Here is what I do know! Yes, I do know some things. Ask me where I see my life in five years and I can tell you. I know where I would like to be in even three months from now. I know what I don’t like to eat, and usually, I know what I don’t want to do in a day if a suggestion is offered. I know what kind of person I would like to be and the people I would like to surround myself with. I want to help and encourage others through each of their own obstacles in life. I know I have a good heart. I wonder if I put too much concentration on needing to be recovered before I can indulge in wonderful things such as love, traveling, success and the steps towards a career. I’m curious if it is at all possible to only be on a path to recovery, and happy. I speculate if I’ll be one to always have Ed by my side and if that is true, can I still have everything I wish to have in life.I also know I put far too much emphasis on what other people think of me, or if what I am saying is stupid.
I have this incredible friend with so much passion, curiosity, and fire inside of her that I often wonder if she should be a philosopher over anything else in life, she is always asking Why? Like me, she’s got a lot of questions. When I speak she’s got a lot of follow up inquiries. Not only does she understand when I say “I just can’t”, she enjoys playing devils advocate in my life with out judgement. It is such a breath of fresh air to be surrounded by someone who has the balls to ask questions on a topic that seems so taboo and untouchable to most other people in our society. Such questions allows me to materialize up answers in me that are otherwise unfound. To say to myself “Is that my voice or is Ed thinking out loud once again?” I think I may need to embrace confusion and take it for what it is for now. I have a million and one goals for the future and one for today. To be perfect? Not too much anymore, but to just make it to tomorrow. If you see my in the grocery store I’m a complete lost cause, standing in aisles with the most confused look plastered across my face having circled the place twenty times over. An hour later I’m cursing healthy food for being so fucking expensive and realizing I made it out alive, unharmed and ready to battle another day.
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