Have you ever found yourself in a situation that you know isn’t good for you, that brings about quite a bit of negativity and you just down right do not like it. A situation that you are so aware you don’t need but have managed to hold on to it with every fiber of your being for the reason that maybe it’ll change, maybe it will bring you joy one day, or it has just been around for so long there is no use in finding an alternative. This can be anything from a toxic work environment, a very less than perfect relationship that is more comfortable than anything else, a bad friend, geez, even something as simple as frequenting a restaurant that consistently provides terrible service and product that is mediocre at best just because it is safe. Have you ever stepped back and asked yourself... ‘How does this serve me?’
This question is in my head everyday, all day. When I wake in the morning till I am laying in bed at night fighting insomnia. How does having an eating disorder serve me? I can compare this to a very terrible relationship. Ed is kind to me at the threat of me leaving but when he’s got me where he wants me he kicks me till I can’t get back up. Ed’s main role is safety, he serves a thousands purposes in my life though. Numbs my emotions completely when I don’t want to feel anything. Pre occupies my mind so I don’t need to push myself in to doing things I otherwise wouldn’t challenge myself to do. I have consistency, control and routine. All the things I NEED in life. Yes... Need. Having Ed around is reliable. I don’t have to think about anything else because it is the best I deserve. If anyone is mean or judgmental, all is okay because it only enforces what I already know. No one can say anything more horrible to me than I say to myself. I have security. I don’t deserve amazing, so I might as well settle for what I’ve got in my life at this moment. Tell me this statement doesn’t ring true to so many ears out there. I can’t make you understand an eating disorder, but I can tell you it’s an outlet for everything terrible that life throws at me. It’s not really about how I look but how I feel. Outlets show up in different ways to different people. Mine just happens to be this. But maybe... Just maybe I could deserve amazing. Maybe this isn’t all there is. Maybe I should embrace the unknown, the biggest fear of all, and search for the world of possibilities instead of just dreaming about them. Instead of staying lost in this very lonely, misunderstood universe. The follow through is much easier said than done. Believe me, if I know anything at all, that is it. I have wonderful days where recovery is almost tangible. Where I think I’m on a fairly good, less destructive path. Days that although I feel guilty for eating that yogurt, I push myself to do it regardless and times where I genuinely feel excitement for life and the future. The effort of trying staying positive and happy and excited is draining though. It takes all the energy in the world and it’s only a matter of time where those bad times come rushing in to assure me that my eating disorder isn’t far from my side. These days I feel as though I have been punched in the face, kneed in the gut, pummeled to the ground and beaten to a pulp till I can’t even stand up. Where I believe I deserve the worst, I will attain zero accomplishments and food is the devil that is just toying with my mind. I know I hate this. I know I despise the way I feel and I know it is disgusting and irrational the way I treat myself with such little pride. I would never imagine treating another human being with such disrespect, so why would I fathom treating myself this way. Because I thrive on control. I enjoy the safety and I relish in the consistency. There has got to be a better way to get all of these things though without self harm.
Recovery I knew would be difficult, agonizing and uncomfortable, but I underestimated how much brain power and concentration it would really take up. Recovery truly is a full time job in itself. I feel like I am taking care of a child. I’d like to believe that I could take a short vacation from recovery every now and then and come back to it later but that would be slightly counter productive. I have to work hard every day to be happy. Convince myself to be nice to myself at least once a day, force myself to eat and try to be social. I have to be okay with the bad days because they are less frequent. I have to congratulate myself for the good days. I’m pushing boundaries every day that are mere simple things the average person doesn’t give a second thought about. At the end of my day though I feel like I climbed a mountain. One of the most discouraging things to hear that comes up almost weekly is that to be fully recovered could take years. Years!?! Please know, this isn’t an easy fix. It’s a lot, a lot of work. I suppose years is just a small amount of time when I have so many more after that. I’m tired of fighting. I’m exhausted. I’m defeated and am still searching for that switch that can turn this upside down for me. It's probably at the bottom of a cake, life would play that mean joke on me. What I’ll leave you with is this. What if we all stopped for a second and said to ourselves... ‘What if I could deserve amazing?’ See where that statement takes us. Think of all that could be attained in our lives if we believed it. You’d be unstoppable.
~*~Never Settle For Anything Less Than Amazing~*~
No comments:
Post a Comment