Everything I'm Not Is What's Beautiful

Should I leave this earth prematurely, do not cry or me, for I could not find the strength to rid myself of my sickness.


I'm exhausted, not because insomnia breeds deep within sleep time, but because exerting so much energy into being sick is a full time job and I don't know how to give my notice, or if I will ever be able to. 
I'm not going to win so I'm going to live my life in the kindest way possible to others because I've never learned how to be kind to myself. I'm going to live honestly and genuinely to those who surround me because I can't give the same to me. 


Ed has won. 


I'm tired of fighting a losing battle, of my weakness being proven over and over again. Of my desire to stay sick overpowering my will to get better.  


Show me how it's done again Ed. 


I'll follow you where you need me to go.


*You have my heart, my soul, my whole life.*

.

LOVE.                                  DEFEAT.                                                                                


CONTROL.
                                                                                   HUNGER.
PASSION.                                                                                           OBSESSION. 
                                                                                 NEED. WANT.
                                                        HATE.                           COMFORT.
             STARVATION.
                                        INTEGRITY.
                                                                  BEAUTY. PERFECTION.
                     SAFETY.                                                                                           ELOQUENCE.

                                                              PURGE. RESTRICT. WAR.
DEATH.                                     LIFE.                                                                               


                                                                             FIGHT. 
                                                                                                          COMPETE. COMPARE.
 FEAR.                                               INSANITY.
                          DISGUST.
           GUARDED.                                                                                              HURT.
                                                                                 ABUSED. SHAME. SABOTAGE. DEMEANED.
 SCALE. FAT.
                               HARM. SKINNY. FRAGILE. 


                                                                                                                                  SECRETS.

JUST LOVE ME 

Food For Thought

food |foōd|nounany nutritious substance that people or animals eat or drink, or that plants absorb, in order to maintain life and growth PHRASESfood for thought something that warrants serious consideration.
Food is the foundation of life. Food is what keeps us alive, keeps us healthy, sane and energized. It's the topic of countless conversations, events, blogs, and movies. It's everywhere.
In a world where estranging yourself from food is highly frowned upon, some (a lot) will silently praise the will power of those who can "control themselves". I find myself torn, day in and day out, as being around food is intensely difficult. The substance itself is my fear, my nemesis, my hate.
I sit here and ponder what would it would be like to not think about it every second, of every hour, of every day. I can't believe I wont ever pick up a portion of food and not think about what I am delivering into my body. With every bite there is regret, with every small hard swallow there is guilt, and at the end of the entire process, there is utter shame that I, with so much "control", couldn't control myself enough to not eat what I had just eaten. I can literally feel the food traveling through my body, on to my bones, into my stomach, packing on the pounds that I so desperately need to remove, not add. 
So how do I distance myself from these thoughts. How do I remove myself from this sickness when I know how to align myself with it so well. I know I need to separate myself from Ed but the harder I fight, the louder it gets in my head and my own thoughts don't matter. Part of me wishes I never found it within myself to know that I was sick. There would be no fight to fight. Another part of me wishes I was addicted to drugs or alcohol. In order to get away from those, you literally need to not be anywhere near them. Recovering from an eating disorder though, I need to be around food all the time and be okay with it. I'm exhausted from battling myself and my eating disorder. I'm drained, defeated, and I'm wondering if there is any fight left in my tired body. Maybe it's just time to give in to Ed and let him run the show.

He's Back In Town...

The scale never lies, the scale never lies, the scale never lies. The scale never lies? 

I swear it started out as a simple suggestion. An experiment if you will. A promise to be happy. A plan. A friend. A way to control my emotions. It wasn't suppose to end up like this. It wasn't. I was lied to. My best friend is my worst enemy and still my closest ally. I just wanted to lose a little more weight, be a little more happy. I just wanted to be thin, to be in control. I just wanted to be beautiful, to be loved. I just wanted to fade away, to be heard. And now, now I don't speak anymore. My voice is His voice, my thoughts are His thoughts. my appetite is His appetite, my soul, my soul belongs to Him now. I sold it a long time ago before I even realized it was up for grabs. I step on the scale now and His voice is louder than I have ever heard it. I unexpectedly hear my small voice whisper out "that can't possibly be right," "but the scale never lies" He says. The scale never lies. He's screaming for me to listen, I'll be happier. To stop defying Him, stop resisting such a sure thing. He's my only friend, the only one who has ever truly loved me and just wants to see me succeed in something He knows I can. I just have to obey and listen. 

When does it stop, how does it stop. If I had my way, I would feel nothing instead of something. I don't ever want to know what it's like to be in love again if it means to feel broken again. I don't want to feel pain or sadness or despair. I don't want to feel happiness or excitement because I don't know that I deserve it. I don't deserve it if I can't follow simple rules. I want to be numbed out. 

Him and I, we're soulmates I'm told. Just when I think He's getting a little bit quieter, life happens and he shows up at the most inconvenient time possible, just to let me know he's here to save me. To make me thinner so things will get better. Exercise harder, He says, so the pain will go away. If I eat, the hurt will hurt more. Skinny people are happy people, and just so you know... 

The scale never lies, Melissa, the scale never lies. 

Still Broken...

As I write this, I can't help but bounce my legs up and down. I can't stay still, the more calories I can get out of my body, the better. If I can exert enough energy I wont have to feel what I'm really feeling. If I can make sure I am thinner than I was this morning, tomorrow morning, then everything will be okay.
The funny thing about a broken heart is that when you think it's not broken anymore, you're reminded at the most inconvenient time ever that it indeed still is. It hurts ten fold when you find out that way.
I received a text message while at work today that was not intended for me. I surprised even myself when I couldn't handle my emotions. I wanted to feel physical pain immediately so I didn't have to feel what my heart was so blatantly feeling. I needed to instantly lose twenty pounds that very second because that could be the only reason I was so useless to this person. So overlooked, so worthless. I came home and did the only thing I knew would make me feel better. I cried. I cried and I did jumping jacks. I cried and I moved as much as I could till I couldn't feel my legs anymore. Till I couldn't feel my heart anymore. Till I couldn't feel anymore.

Miss Representation

This makes me sad, and empowered all at the same time.



http://vimeo.com/28066212

Dexter

   I received the greatest gift in a long time last month. In theory from my cousin but ultimately from a three year old boy named Dexter Spencer. That night Dexter was the man of the night, dressed in the tiniest blue jeans, a black and purple striped sweater, a stylish green vest and bright green spectacles to match. Holding the hands of anyone who would take his, Dexter walked around the room saying Hello to everyone, situating himself on the floor in front of a live band while he pounded on a drum along with the music, or singing O Canada while his Mother was explaining why we had all gathered together for this spectacular night. Dexter is quite possibly the cutest (think the kid from Jerry McGuire just smaller and cuter) and happiest toddler I have come to meet. It wasn’t Dexter’s birthday last night, but we were celebrating this little child’s life. Dexter unfortunately was born 12 weeks premature, with a bleed in his brain that ended up causing him to have Cerebral Palsy. The only way he can get around is with a walker or by the hands of others. A year ago he was diagnosed with Liver Cancer and with six rounds of chemo, and more than ten surgeries, Dexter was officially put into remission about six months ago. He is now experiencing seizures and is being tested for Autism. Last night was the first time I had met Dexter and his family, as we gathered in a small room above a hockey arena in a successful attempt to raise money for this little boys medical bills. The parents couldn’t have been much older than I am and have just claimed bankruptcy to afford to pay for Dexter’s medication.

    If I learned anything from Dexter, it’s that you have to make the most of life. I can’t imagine that he is completely oblivious to what is happening to him, yet he still walks around with a smile on his face, wanting to behave like a three year old boy. We have to know that no matter what is going on in our lives, we have to keep fighting. The battle isn’t over until your life is over. If we want to be happy we have to will ourselves to be happy. We have been so programmed to believe that when we experience hardship it gives us the right to be miserable. That if someone wrongs us, it gives us the go ahead to seek revenge or to tell them in a less than polite way what we think of them. Some of society has been manufactured into thinking that life owes them something when they experience pain, disease, loss, heartache or anything remotely negative. Others believe that for some reason they must have deserved it for one reason or another, and take it out on others or in the form of self harm. I think life doesn’t really owe us anything, maybe we owe life a little something. Why is it so easy to blame someone else when terrible things occur but when wonderful things happen there is no one but ourselves to take the credit for it. Maybe we should learn how to be beyond grateful when good things happen. It’s so easy to forget the good when there is often so much bad. If we look around and experience the good a little more, the bad wont seem so... well... bad. Why can’t we be grateful when bad things happen too? Chances are it will hurt for a little while but it too shall pass. I think some of us need to look outside ourselves a bit more often and lend out a helping hand. Send out some loving vibes, give someone a hug who really needs it, ask someone who is having a shitty day if they want to talk about it. It doesn’t hurt anyone in the process to be more selfless and karma wont forget it either. 

   I think I may have gotten slightly off track here but I think my point is to keep fighting no matter what is going on in your life. Things may get better, but maybe they wont. Either way it doesn’t mean we can’t find the joy and beauty in this world. It doesn’t mean we can’t have more fabulous days than miserable ones. It means it’s better to leave this world with a smile on our face, being able to say we tried as hard as we could to be happy and to make others happy in the process, and to be remembered as a kind soul when our time is up.

Thank You Dexter Spencer for making my life a little more loved.

to learn more about Dexter's story, please go to www.littledexter.com