Music Gets Me Through Life...

I have been listening to her album over and over and over again. It's honestly what gets me through my days. This song is unreal how much I can relate it to my eating disorder, its what I feel in lyric form.
Pick up her album, I guarantee it is soul healing.


ADELE- HE WONT GO


Some say I'll be better without you, 
But they don't know you like I do, 
Or at least the sides I thought I knew, 
I can't bear this time, 
It drags on as I lose my mind, 
Reminded by things I find, 
Like notes and clothes you've left behind, 
Wake me up, wake me up when all is done, 
I won't rise until this battle's won, 
My dignity's become undone, 

But I won't go, 
I can't do it on my own, 
If this ain't love, then what is? 
I'm willing to take the risk, 
I won't go, 
I can't do it on my own, 
If this ain't love, then what is? 
I'm willing to take the risk, 

So petrified, I'm so scared to step into this ride, 
What if I lose my heart and fail the climb? 
I won't forgive me if I give up trying, 
I heard his voice today, 
I didn't know a single word he said, 
Not one resemblance to the man I met, 
Just a vague and broken boy instead, 

But I won't go, 
I can't do it on my own, 
If this ain't love, then what is? 
I'm willing to take the risk, 
I won't go, 
I can't do it on my own, 
If this ain't love, then what is? 
I am willing to take the risk, 

There will be times, we'll try and give it up, 
Bursting at the seams, no doubt, 
We'll almost fall apart and burn the pieces, 

And watch them turn to dust, 
But nothing will ever taint us, 

I won't go, 
I can't do it on my own, 
If this ain't love, then what is? 
I'm willing to take the risk, 
I won't go, 
I can't do it on my own, 
If this ain't love, then what is? 
I am willing to take the risk, 

Will he, will he still remember me? 
Will he still love me even when he's free? 
Or will he go back to the place where he will choose the poison over me? 
When we spoke yesterday, 
He said to hold my breath and sit and wait, 
I'll be home so soon, I won't be late, 

He won't go, 
He can't do it on his own, 
If this ain't love, then what is? 
He's willing to take the risk, 
So I won't go, 
He can't do it on his own, 
If this ain't love, then what is? 
I'm willing to take the risk, 

'Cause he won't go, 
He can't do it on his own, 
If this ain't love, then what is? 
We're willing to take the risk, 
I won't go, 
I can't do it on my own, 
If this ain't love, then what is? 
I'm willing to take the risk.

One Giant Step In The Right Direction?

So... I've been introduced to an entirely new concept this week... it's called breathing. Who knew?  I've been coming into contact with an array of emotions I didn't know existed, ones I haven't felt in years, feeling feelings that are devilishly foreign to me and that I can't quite put my finger on what they are. Could these feeling actually be the beginning of healing, of acceptance, of dare I say it... Happiness!?! I don't want to jinx anything but I think thats what this could mean. Shhh. I've been less symptomatic this week... a lot less, and am trying to figure out if I actually am moving forward into my recovery or if I am just swapping symptoms for other ones. It's a very fine line, one that I need to be aware of at all times. I have to pay attention to my actions terribly closely right now. But it's been wonderful. I took up yoga and learned how to breathe. I learned how to pay attention to the needs and wants of my body, I'm in my own world for an hour and can just focus on healing. When I walk into the studio, ED is refused entrance, I love it! He didn't pay the $30 and I wasn't willing to shell it out for him this time. I don't hear him for an entire hour! His voice isn't telling me that I am sweating out calories, that I'm not allowed to eat after, that I am ugly compared to everyone else, that I'm not thin enough to be in there. For that hour... I'm lost in complete contentment and it is the most glorious feeling ever. I can't even describe the euphoria I have been able to experience, everything negative is being flushed from me (actually negative, not what I have been perceiving as negative) and I'm free. I think Yoga and I will become very close. I've been eating breakfast... lunch... and dinner this week too. Which is completely unfamiliar to me. It scares me and embarrasses me that I just wrote that for some reason but whatever. I had a minor slip up the other day... I binged... I purged... I napped and then I did the very last thing that I wanted to do, that ED was howling at me would be the WORST thing for me to do but I knew I had to... I ate dinner. This week has been exceedingly uncomfortable, vastly stressful, undoubtably hard, confusing and painful. At the same time it's been beautiful, hopeful, and healthy. It would be entirely too much to ask for my body to co operate with me at this point considering all of the hell and damage I have put it through for 14 years. It doesn't trust me, and I don't blame it. It's a fight to eat and only eat the right amount because I've been restricting it for so long that it wants everything. It's a fight to eat a few hours after I had breakfast and a few hours after to have dinner because I'm not hungry. I'm uncomfortable and it fucking sucks. I can feel each bite of food in my stomach, each ounce of fat on my bones each calorie doing what its suppose to do I guess. I feel more sick now then when I do when I am being symptomatic, it's like I'm going through detox... I think its a healthy pain though. I guess there is only one way to find out, to keep moving into the fear, into the discomfort, into recovery. So through the most successful week I've had in... well... I can't even remember when... I've learned a few things. 


I've learned that Yoga, David's Tea, Sheena's Place and the new Adele album is what is saving my life when I am alone. 


I've learned that grocery shopping is unnecessarily expensive and it's cheaper to have an eating disorder. That Whole Foods only carries low fat yogurt and not low cal and I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that. But also that Whole Foods ... and a high cost apparently... will be a help in saving my life as well. 


I've learned that I can leave my cell phone at home while I go out and do my own thing. That whatever happens in life will be there when I get back in a few hours and I don't need to keep constantly looking at it. My blackberry stresses me out and runs my life far too much. It's time to separate myself from the red flashing light. 


I've learned that while I need to find more healthy ways to be active, I really do enjoy it. That being active is going to be large part of my recovery and as much as people tell me not to walk everywhere or to be overly active, I'm not ever going to listen. I believe I'll learn how much is healthy.


I've learned that the process of healing isn't going to be fun. It's not going to be easy and I am going to hate every step of it. It's going to be chaotic, messy, emotional and difficult. I'm going to fall and stand back up many times over and I will have my good days and bad. If I don't do this now though, I wont move forward into the goals I have set for myself. Dying is easy. Staying sick is easy. I don't want easy, I want a challenge and the things I have struggled through were never easy so it would be unheard of to take the easy way out. I know at the end of this journey there will be virtue, grace and splendor and I will be more than willing to move on to the next journey.


I've learned that I actually can, and enjoy cooking. That I don't know how to cut a tomato and after cutting jalapenos you shouldn't touch your eyes. That I may have an allergy to avocados, and that I want to become a vegan the healthy way. 


I've learned that the days I'm not okay... it's okay. I just need to accept where I am in my recovery because I will get there one step at a time. That when I fall to just do the next thing that I know I need to do... eat, and then figure out why I fell. That there isn't always an answer to the question why, or a reason behind all of the madness. 


I've learned that I want to live, I want to help people and I want to see all the beauty, charm and allure the world has to offer. That even if I am having a bad day I can look back on it and see that there was at least one good thing that happened, even if it was the smallest thing easily looked over. I just need to find it. 


I've learned that this list will change over time. For better or for worse. That I will constantly be learning and growing. That I'm damn glad I have a blog because when my mind changes into toxic thinking tomorrow, next week or next month and all I want to do is fall back into ED's willing charm, I can look back on this and see that no... ED is a bully and an asshole and I don't want him in my life.


I've learned, and just today actually, that it's not about the food or about the body. That it turns in to vanity and fear of food and getting fat over time but that's not what caused this. 


I've learned to experience a week without anxiety all day long. That when anxiety creeps its way in, to breathe. 


I've learned that Tuesday is my most favourite day of the week. The love, power and safety it holds is undeniable. 


Lastly and possibly most importantly, I've learned that ED wont be gone tomorrow. That he will get weaker over time and I need to accept his presence for now and know that it wont be a lifetime before he will be but a distant memory. He has been the longest relationship of my life, he's not going to give up on me as easily as I would hope or like.

*We Must Face Tomorrow, Whatever It May Hold, With Determination Joy and Bravery* 

It's A Need For Control.

It’s not about the food. It’s not about the food!?! What do you meeean it’s not about the food!?!? I hear this almost every day. And it’s true, to an extent... it’s. not. about. the. food. I still have an awfully difficult time understanding this because I believe it started because of vanity and in some sorts, it is holding on to vanity. I hate what I see every day that I look in the mirror. I can pick out a million and one things that I hate about my body and nothing I actually like. I believe through my life I have needed to align myself in ED’s presence. I just don’t believe I would have been able to face my life and all that has happened without having ED to turn to. When I couldn’t bare the world for another second, I curled up in ED’s warmth and just cried. ED was safe, ED was reliable, ED was always there for me... just like he promised. So maybe this is why it’s so hard to be done with him. He’s all I’ve ever known, all I’ve ever needed, and when times were tough, ED really was there for me assuring me that things would get better once I lost weight. So where did this all begin? I can’t honestly think of a time when I wasn’t pre occupied with how I looked... or how everyone around me perceived me. I’ve always judged how I look compared to others and have remembered every insult and not a single compliment. So maybe it started when I was three and all I ever wanted to wear was pretty dresses. Maybe when people would stop on the street to pet my head and tell my mother how adorable I was. Or maybe it was when a family member told me I was gaining weight when I was eight, or when I went into gym class in grade nine wearing shorts for the first time... and the last and a girl told me I had fat calves, or possibly when a boy I really liked told me that my collar bones didn’t stick out enough, and as much as he said he wanted to be with me, I vowed from that moment on that I would never be good enough for him. In high school people use to tell me I was fat. Not because I was but because calling a thin girl fat isn’t an insult, it’s a joke. Guys use to grab at me and grope me down the halls treating me as if I was only there to look at and take advantage of. The words slut, easy and bitch were all a part of a frequent vocabulary used against me. I wasn’t in any way any of these things but girls like to talk, guys are assholes and if I was a bitch it’s because kids are bullies. I’ve grown up with nicknames such as tiny and little one and have strived to live up to these names in the most literal of terms. As time has gone on when guys tell me they are interested in me and I ask why and the first reason is because they think I’m good looking or I have a great body, I turn the other way, I don’t want to be liked for that. I’ve worked with men who said they love the look of “anorexic” girls and others who would only date women if their thighs don’t touch when they walk. I’ve been told that since I’m short that I need to be thin. Not to mention every time I leave my house there is some monster billboard telling you that you have to be all the thin you can be, magazines telling you how to lose ten pounds in three days, TV endorsing show’s that glorify eating disorders and mental illness and ad’s every which way filled with unrealistic people who I am incessantly comparing myself to and using as a goal. I’m bombarded constantly with statistics about how obese North America is and how many people die a year from being overweight. ED gets louder with every runway show, ever Supersize vs Super Skinny episode and every new Vogue that comes out. You can’t go anywhere without the media, or the general public putting so much emphasis on how thin you are and how beautiful you need to be to accomplish greatness in life. The topic of most peoples conversation is food, how they shouldn’t eat something because they will get fat, or how they completely pigged out and need to starve themselves for the next two days. So if everyone is doing it...I must have to as well. This is all where vanity comes in to play in my life, and where I don’t entirely believe that it has NOTHING to do with the body or with food. I can however, see the other side of things. I’ve turned to ED when I haven’t been able to control anything else in my life. I’ve starved myself in hopes to completely fade away into nothing, I purge so I can purge out all of my feelings along with it, and I binge because I starve myself for so long that my body just can’t handle it anymore. I control it though, it’s mine, and no one can take it away from me. We moved around a ton when I was little and I always found it very hard to fit in. Going from school to school, different cities, countries, houses, people. Everything was constantly changing. I needed something I could control. When my Dad passed away, everything completely fell apart. My life that was securely built for me, that I was safe in, as I knew it was over, and I tumbled down a hill that I am just now trying to crawl my way back up. My family didn’t know how to deal, we just broke and each went our separate ways in the only ways we knew how to deal at that moment. Each of us found our own toxic addictions and mine happened to be hanging on to ED even tighter. Losing a parent at sixteen isn’t easy. I was quietly falling to pieces and everyone else that was once a very large part of my world, just continued on with their lives. The world doesn’t stop for your pain. Friends look at you differently at that age, no one knows how to help you, and teachers did not give a shit that my Dad passed away. I missed two months of school and failed most of grade twelve... Amazing. My Mother married an uber douche bag and I learned an entirely new meaning to the word hate. She had her own struggles that she had to deal with so I was completely left to face life’s challenges by myself at 18. To describe the last fifteen years of my life would be to unfairly divulge other peoples lives, which I’m not willing to put out there. If you can think of it though, it’s probably happened to me. I’ve faced extreme loss, abandonment, heartbreak, abuse of every kind, judgement, ridicule, addiction of many kinds, ultimate hatred for myself, betrayal, and self harm in more ways than I am describing here. Falling farther and farther into ED’s loving arms, I wanted to die every single day, I woke up every morning hoping it had all just been a dream and went to bed every single night hoping I didn’t wake up. My eating disorder has been a thing of comfort and security for me. I think it has almost now just turned into a disgusting habit. I can’t bare the feeling of food inside of my body. I can feel the fat building up on my body and it throws me into super panic mode. I want to be done with this. I want to be done with it so bad, and every time I choose to purge or choose not to eat, I’m failing. I wish I could go back to a time where I was so completely lost in ED’s being that I didn’t see I had a problem. Now that I know, now that I know I have a choice, I’m constantly choosing the wrong path. I want to go back to pleading ignorant so I can just grab ED’s hand and skip down the road together as if everything in life is wonderful. I’m grateful for the endless support I have around me, even when on some days I say I don’t have a problem, or when I truly think I would rather die from this than try to fight it anymore. I have no one to blame for my eating disorder. Through all that I have faced, I can’t say that it is anyone’s fault. It just... sorta... happened. I mostly blame myself and am slowly learning that it’s not my fault. I’ve forgiven 90%, but forgotten nothing. The only thing I would truly truly change if I had the option was to still have my Dad here. Everything has made me the person I am becoming and I don’t think thats so bad. At this point, I am the sickest I have ever been but in a twisted way I am the happiest I have ever been. I haven’t laughed more than I have in the last two weeks, I find myself smiling at the most random things and thinking more positive about the future. I’ve found a love for Yoga, a want to live, and a dream for things to come. These are the times that make me think that I can live a happy life with an eating disorder. I’m reminded though, by those who love me very much, that I can’t live a happy life with it, that I’m not really happy, and if I think I am it is only a matter of time where I go back to hoping I don’t wake up when I go to bed at night. 

It's The Small Things That Mean The Most.

Thank You to Andrew, the random Starbucks stranger, who instead of judging my blog... provided me with kind words and encouragement on a crucial day and at the exact moment I needed to hear them. I'm reassured for another day that there really are fabulous people in the world. =)

Baby Steps...

I don't sleep. Even when I'm sleeping, I don't sleep. I haven't actually slept since I "woke up" early Monday morning. Actually, that is a bit of a lie. I slept for about forty-five minutes this morning. I wasn't feeling too well, with every cough I heard "you're fat." With every sniffle I heard "lose weight." With every toss and turn I heard "you fat slob, you will never be skinny enough." I had myself convinced in a half state of being conscious, that I wasn't feeling well because I was fat. It took me a couple hours to realize how ridiculous that is and that I'm not feeling well because A. I don't sleep and B. I treat my body like shit. Going to bed is the most upsetting time of my day. I just know it's not going to happen. I'm afraid that because I'm not mobile I wont be losing enough weight. I frequently have nightmares about food and wake up in complete terror. Sleep is the most vulnerable thing a person can do. Your sub conscience is free to think what it wants, forces you to see what you don't want to see and has complete control over you for eight to ten hours a day. No matter how exhausted, frustrated and irritated I am. I don't have the ability to sleep. I want to, I just can't. I guess one of the other many things that my eating disorder is controlling in my life. 

I walked into group today with every intention of revealing something I have never said out loud before. I held myself accountable last week that this would be the week that I would tell a story. I thought I would be more than willing to talk... I was anything but willing when it came time. I thought I would uncomfortably laugh while I told my story... I cried while I struggled to spit out the words. I thought I would get through the entire story, every painful detail, every graphic moment... I froze up and uttered five words to the group and completely broke down. I don't feel better. I feel worse. I can't even bare to type it. I think it's good though that its out there in a safe room. I can go back to it next week and tell a little more of my story. Then a little more and a little more and a little more until it no longer has power over me. I was encouraged to go home and write about it. Which I clearly have no problems writing. In fact, every dirty detail of my life is written down. Every thought, every feeling, every moment. I have an abundance of pages and books of my life occurrences... This one thing however, is nowhere to be found but in my own mind, haunting me day in and day out. I can't bare to look at the words, or hear the thoughts. I just can't. 

It's Never Too Late... Never Ever Ever

If you signed a contract saying that you are guaranteed tomorrow, please raise your hand. Yea, I didn't get a chance to sign it either. If there is one thing in this world that is certain, it's that we aren't guaranteed anything. Not owed another day, another hour, another minute. Not me, not you, not anyone. I try to live my life as honestly as possible. Honest with myself, and honest with others. Everything I do, I do with my whole heart and every ounce of passion and intensity I can find inside. This can be good or bad. I'm super emotional and I can confidently say that I am the most sensitive person in the world. I would like to change this. To at least be the second most sensitive person in the world. I let the destruction and sadness in the world effect me far too much. I hurt for the people who hurt. I take on the worlds pain as if it were my own. If I had the ability to take away everyones pain in the world, I would in a heartbeat. I have enough love to change lives, if only it were that easy. I've been through my fair share of struggles and I never want people to feel how I felt at my worst, or experience the experiences that have caused it. This past weekend, a friend of mine that I use to work with passed away. I was not exceptionally close with her, but I did know that she was beautiful. That without exaggeration, she touched hundreds of peoples lives in a positive way. That she was certainly one of a kind and will be missed by a whole array of people, including myself. She was just one of those people who had light about her. This past week has me thinking about death, about life, and about happiness. It has me thinking how I live my own life and how I hope to live my life in the future. I have nothing profound to give you, what you are about to read isn't deserving of a Nobel Prize (maybe one day) and isn't anything that you haven't heard in one form or another. It doesn't hurt to hear it again, take a moment, and reflect. What I have to say is just a small piece of what I follow in my life, and what I am learning to follow even more. This is just small insight into what helps me to keep moving forward. 

Show compassion ~ Everyone around you is fighting some sort of battle. Your battle is no worse than theirs, theirs no worse than yours. It is all relative, we are all struggling with something at some point. If we open our eyes a little wider, and are more willing to reach out our hands, maybe people will see a little more beauty and kindness in the world.

L.O.V.E. ~ Love with every ounce you have inside of you. With every beat of your heart, love. It doesn’t have to be with a person, just find something that you can find pure unaltered unconditional love in. If you can find that in a person... You are one of the lucky ones.

Find your passion and run with it.

Please don’t wait another day. If you’ve been meaning to call someone... call them. If you have something to say... say it. If you want to live your life differently... do it. We don’t always get another chance to do and say the things we always meant to. Life is too short to say “maybe tomorrow”. Tell everyone you love that you love them every day. Don’t waste your time on silly fights because a friendship once had is more important. If you think what you want to say isn’t important... you’re wrong, it’ll probably end up being the most profound thing ever. Mend anything you can, and if you can’t... at least you tried. 

Get Honest ~ Don’t be afraid to speak up with how you feel at any moment. If you can’t be honest with yourself and with those around you, you can’t expect anything more in return. You’ll be amazed with how you perceive the world once you admit your excellence and your flaws. 

Smile every morning with the sunshine. If you can’t see it, smile anyways, it’s shining down on another soul who so desperately needs it. 

Believe you are good enough, worthy enough, and smart enough. If anyone should make you feel otherwise, kindly remove them from your world.

Know that the very few moments that completely take our breath away are worth the thousands of moments we thought we would never get through. 

Don’t be afraid to be you. No one can do it better. We all have secrets, skeletons, and struggles and they aren’t so scary once you share them. There is something wonderful and healing about telling your story... trust me. It can... and will... always get better. 

Learn to trust ~ There really are people out there worth letting in... let them in.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help ~ we can’t do everything on our own and it shows true strength and courage to be able to throw out your little white flag out and whisper “I Surrender”.

Accept that we are all different and we all handle things in different ways, its what makes the world so beautiful. Give the rude person the benefit of the doubt that they are just having a bad day. Don’t laugh along when people are being made fun of, or talk behind someone’s back, you don’t know if they will still be here tomorrow. Be a helping hand, an open heart and a shoulder to cry on. Just. Be. Kind. 

Forgive. Find Resolve. Live in Peace. Learn. Breathe.

Live with integrity. Judge with positivity. Love with all that you possess. Laugh with the world. Witness Beauty every chance you get. Dance in the streets. Smile with the sun. Don’t take a single second for granted... And know, that if you aren’t here tomorrow, I would miss you. 

*Your Life Is An Occasion... Rise To It*

This Is Ed's House.

I was sixteen when my Dad passed away, eighteen when I no longer lived with my Mom and room mates have only made up about a year and a half of my living arrangements. None of my boyfriends have been possessive or controlling, the last time I was attached was almost two years ago. I don’t date, I’m not allowed to. I’m not pretty enough, or good enough. It would appear to the unknowing eye that I’m pretty much on my own, well, that I live alone anyways. That I have no one to answer to but myself, that I abide by my own rules day to day and think for myself. It would give that impression wouldn’t it. In reality, I live with the most controlling, abusive, manipulative person. He is the most powerful invisible force. Ed goes everywhere with me. Sleeps right next to me to make sure that I don’t get a minute of sleep without thinking about food. Wakes up and gets coffee with me and tells me it better be black... better yet, to just get a tea. Ed brings on full blown panic attacks in the middle of the grocery store aisles and has me leaving either empty handed gasping for air or with food I really do not want to ever eat. When I step foot into a mall he assures me that unless I am under ninety pounds... nothing will fit right or look good on me. I better walk home now. For anyone on the outside looking in, I live alone. For anyone who shares my strict lifestyle they understand this to be completely false. Every hour is accounted for, every minute is filled with strict rules and a rigid schedule. I’m treated like a child who can’t make a right decision if it were to save my life. (Oddly enough, I can’t seem to make that right decision to save my life.) I’m told when I can and can’t go out, who I can and can not see. When and what I can eat and when to restrict. I abide by these rules at all time, I do as I’m told with out question out of fear of what may come of my life, my body. If I voice my opinion I’m often wrong anyway and that just gets me in to further trouble. I have a list of rules I must follow or I will be punished. Some contradict others... my entire well being is a huge contradiction, and Ed is a hypocrite, but these are his rules, not mine... Ed after all is the one in charge here, not I. Some of these rules are punishments but all deserved I’m made to believe. Some I think are just for Ed’s own entertainment. He likes to laugh, yell, patronize and humiliate. Ed’s a bully. 

Without further ado, I give you;

Ed’s Rulebook To A Perfect Life. (I... er... He Promises)

1. Walk... walk everywhere. I don’t care if it takes five minutes or three hours. If it’s pouring rain or fifty km/hr winds. If it’s -30 and snowing or +30 and you’ll melt. You will walk everywhere. *He tells me I should walk to Mississauga or Barrie when I go. While I do debate this for him sometimes, I need to draw the line there. I can assure you, I am punished in other ways.*

2. If I’ve rewarded you with being able to take the subway or streetcar, don’t think you can take advantage of the perk. Calories still need to be burned here, you will stand instead of sit. If you happen to come to a situation where there is an escalator or an elevator, you will take the stairs. No matter how many floors there are. *I sometimes find myself running up and down my own house stairs when no one else is home till my legs no longer function.*

3. No Breakfast. No Lunch. *Sometimes I can eat first thing. But that means no dinner. This is one contradiction. It varies depending on my behaviour in past days*

4. Vegetarianism. You’ve proven to be far too weak to accomplish being a vegan, being a vegetarian is the next best thing.

5. Water. As much and whenever you possibly can.

6. When eating, break your food in to small pieces. small bites, eat slowly so as not to eat too much. Taking big bites is unattractive and not feminine. 

7. Carbs, chocolates, ice cream, chips, candy, etc are completely and totally... Off Limits.

8. *Wait for it.... here it is...* Eat as many carbs, chocolates, ice cream, chips, candy, etc as you possibly can in one sitting, till you feel sick and you can’t fit anything else into that defeated disgusting body. Now purge. Purge till you feel like your chest is going to implode, your lungs are going to collapse and your esophagus is pushing out blood. When you feel like you may die if you purge for another second... you have succeeded. *I hate this rule the most. This is one of Ed’s humourous little contradictions. I fucking despise Ed for doing this to me. After a binge I quite literally have to talk myself in to purging I hate it so much. I really do feel like I might die.* 

9. If a binge has occurred or anything substantial has been ingested in the last twelve hours, I don’t care if a purge took place, you must remain un seen. You’re too fat to socialize or have any kind of enjoyment. *Needless to say, my social life sucks.*

10. Dating is not permitted here in the house of Ed. Not till you’re perfect. No one will love a fat worthless girl such as yourself. You’re not beautiful or established enough to be with anyone at this point, you keep failing. *Yea, try explaining this one to a boy without sounding completely nuts. As much as I want to, I plain and simple, just can’t do it. Sad really.*

11. At all times, you must be the thinnest, most polite, quiet, composed woman every where you go. You must exude the perfection that I have instilled upon your being. If this is not the case at any given moment... you fucked up somewhere, not me.

12. I will do the talking for you. You will do only as I say and listen to no one elses absurd “advice.” You will not speak for you can not make a right decision ever. 

13. Weigh yourself multiple times a day. Measure yourself once a week, and take pictures to note your success. This is the only way to stay on track. *There are, in fact, days where I do not weigh myself because I can't possibly bare the number that stares back at me on that scale. When I know I haven't lost, or possibly have gained weight, I do everything in my power to not force myself to look at that number. I'm humiliated in my own home.*

14. Remember... Only I matter, I only push so hard because I love you so much. I will never leave you and I will bring perfection and joy at every corner turned. Just believe in me.

These are not all, but the most important ones in my day to day life. It makes me laugh a little referring to my eating disorder as a man named Ed but it is the only way I know how to distinguish my thoughts, from the tainted ones. I can't recall the last time I had a thought of my own. I can't remember a time in my life where the decision I made wasn't based on what Ed thought, I just can't remember. Most of you who do know me, know I have a difficult time making decisions, and I'm always second guessing myself. I second guess myself because my eating disorder is more important than me right now. I'm sure you can tell by reading these entries I have good days and bad days. I fall, and I stand back up again. I believe that is what recovery is all about. I'd like to get into the ways I hope to recover but I'm going to save that for another day. This isn't an overnight healing, as I so wish it were, I know I'll fall a million more times before I stand up for the final time. Some days I think I'll never recover, most days actually. The only way I know that I am moving forward in this process is that I can separate my thoughts from Ed's. Sadly, I don't know how to not listen to him yet, I don't know how to not let him win this battle. When he says "You shouldn't eat breakfast, you're too fat." instead of agreeing, I'm finding myself saying "I should eat breakfast, you're wrong, but I am too fat so I'm not going to." My voice isn't quite loud enough yet. I'm hoping it will be one day soon.