Go Here!

If you happened to have stumbled upon this wonderful page, go check out where my blog really is!

XO

http://elusivebeautyundefined.wordpress.com/

I've moved!

I'm not here anymore, I've moved!

If you'd like to keep up with my blog the entire (almost) thing is now making it's debut appearance at www.elusivebeautyundefined.wordpress.com

I hope you'll come visit me there =)

Much Love

xoxo

Not Yours

I'm not yours.

I'm not yours, I'm mine. Unfortunately you make it so I don't believe this most of the time. Trick me into believing I can't trust my own thoughts and mind. The hand you hold is cold and untrusting, I hate you, but I can't let go. With a deep hold in my soul, you tell me you are the only one who wants me around. And I can't let you go. With a push of a button and the losing of the weight, I am flying so high, I am happy.

I am not yours, I am mine. But you are incessantly stuck in my mind. On repeat and on shuffle somehow all at once, all of the time. I'll never be good enough you tell me. I binge and purge and restrict just to please you, I never know which is right. Which one you will be happy with. So I'll starve, starve until you love me, until others love me. Until you tell me I can stop.

And I'm not yours, I'm all mine. Your mind is in my mind, so I am not mine at all. Or I am all mine and my mind has become your mind. We've become interchangeably connected on a level that not many understand. And I want to be rid of you with every ounce of my being but I forget where you end and I begin. What came first, you or me?

Not yours, mine, all mine. And you are the only one who wants me dead, but in those dark hours how did you have me believing it was me that wanted that. Starvation is just a slower version of suicide and I want to live, dear sir, I want to live! You want me to be perfect more than you want me to live. And I want to be skinny more than I want to let you go. And skinny is just another word for perfection, another word for liked and accepted and needed. I want fade so I'll be seen. You want me to fade to be unseen.

I'm all yours, I'm not even close to mine.

Not Without Struggle Or Hope

Nearly a year ago I proclaimed this would indeed be my longest year yet, but as luck would have it, as I reflect back on this last year I sit and ponder where it actually went, and how I came full circle to another Christmas so quickly. Christmas is what you could say a bit of a landmark for me. As each one passes I can't help but wonder if I'll be around for the next. I mull over the years events, and tell myself I'll do better next year. But like I said a year ago, time changes me. Just when I think I've been standing still, I get a flash back to where I once was and where I never want to be again. The other day I was told that I need to find a balance in life, "just find the balance" he said. I silently had a good laugh to myself, if this person knew me two years ago, or even just over a year ago, the balance I have restored in my life is something to be proud of I think. Of course, I have a lot of work to do and I'd say that a lot of people have found more balance than I, but I also have a lot more compassion and heart than others do. So how's that for balance. 

So, in the end, this year was not my longest year yet and I made it to yet another Christmas. Not without fault or struggle though. Indeed not without a few smiles and hope either. It concerns me slightly that I am better yet worse all at once. Little did I know when I was the hand that ED sought, as I lost weight I would become fatter and fatter in my own dark subconscious. I've become more social yet have hid so much more. I smile more and eat less, talk more and share less, restrict more and purge less. Perhaps I still have to work on this equilibrium of mine. As I try to live a more normal life, I come back to the insanity that is the mind of the eating disordered. I want to use the words "I can't recover", although I have been told that is untrue. I have a million words floating through my brain and have ceased the purging of them. I recall the overwhelming love I received when I first exposed my blog to many who knew me when I thought all I would get was hate. And now it's hard for me to even read the words that I once wrote months ago, nearly two years ago. Who could give me love after writing such personal in-depth things about myself. But what kind of love would it be if they didn't know. Putting my thoughts on a page is the only way for me to not think what I think. To not be haunted and tainted by what is clearly not real. Exposing myself was the only way I couldn't engage in what I find so comforting, so falsely lovable. So secure. Now as I fall darkly silent I gaze in the mirror crushing on my hipbones, waking up and sliding my hands against my ribcage in hopes that it is more prominent. Leaning against a chair I feel only my shoulder blades touching the cold plastic. I plead with ED for him to coerce my non existent collarbones to make an appearance some day, for my thighs to gravitate farther and farther apart, to make me nothing, to make me disappear entirely. 

T-24hrs 4:02am

My heart is hurting for so many reasons and yet for absolutely no reason at all.

I've been in quite high spirits the last few days so I could simply chalk up this unexpected feeling of sadness to the fact that it is 3:30am and I am utterly exhausted with sleep no where in my near future.

Insomnia is showing it's invisible face for a reason though, because my brain is spinning. It doesn't stop, wont stop, can't stop. Could it be the curse of the creative mind, the madness that breeds inside of me forever, or just the fact that there are cookies down stairs that I foolishly bought that I want but wont eat. No... that can't possibly be it. They'll be in the trash tomorrow, I swear it.

I want to purge so badly right now, but I can't. I actually can't. Somewhere vomiting took a back seat to the importance of my teeth. Progress? Maybe. Too bad it didn't take a back seat to my health sometime ago. So I'm sitting here in extreme angst waiting for the 14 lax to kick in before I can feel empty again. I was so stupid tonight. There wasn't even a binge to justify the purge, the purge that wont even happen till morning. It was simply because I've eaten like a normal person for the last three days, normal person or maybe just more than an anorexic would eat. I don't know what a normal person eats. Regardless... It was too much and I sabotaged it willingly.

I've gained ten pounds today.

While we're here...

I'm planning an extended fast that I don't want to happen...

My feelings are hurt...

I miss someone that lives a million miles away...

I hate October, more so, I hate Halloween...

I don't know when an appropriate time is to tell someone I have an Eating Disorder that I may or may not plan on dating...

I don't want to date anyone, let alone someone who makes food for a living...

Scratch that, the thought of dating anyone or someone who makes food for a living scares the living shit out of me I don't even know how to put it into words...

I hate that I blog and no one comments, ridiculous, I know...

I use to post my blog on Facebook, and then only on Twitter, and now nowhere. I feel so much shame in having an Eating Disorder and I'm wondering why there is so much shame in something like this...

I simply want to know what it's like to be normal, if for only a day...

I want to throw the rest of the lax out with the cookies but I probably wont...

I have to lose ten pounds in two weeks...

My ambitions are high and I fear my talent will never measure up...

I'm too much to handle, I'm sure of it...

I just want to run away and start fresh...

I don't think I believe in monogamy...

I truly believe there is enough love in this world, people just need to stop seeing so much hate...

I need to apologize/thank someone who has made up a total of two hours in my life but has been nothing but kind to me and has shown nothing but concern for me.

This blog post will be deleted within the next 24hrs...

I'm a beyond confused individual.

I could turn any one of these lines into a blog post no problem, the elaborations of each word is what is keeping me from sleep. And maybe the fact that I am trying to name my kitten that I don't yet have, that may not exist yet.

I'm way beyond weird, aren't I?

It's Okay To Let Go...

There is no getting around the idea that people are going to talk about you. You'll be graced with those around you that will speak highly of you, in the most positive way, and just have a genuine love for you. It's fair to say that even those who love you, may vent in a not so friendly way at times. You can't please even the best of friends all the time, and thats okay. We're bound to annoy, anger, and get on the nerves of people we tend to spend a lot of time with. Embrace it. People are also going to talk pretty effing shitty about you too. Please, embrace that also. Because those who do that, quite obviously have other things going on in their lives, most of the time it isn't even directed towards you, they just need an outlet for their anger in whatever way they see fit. Just simply make sure they aren't actually a direct part of your life in the future. What people say negatively about you behind your back isn't a true reflection of who you are, it's the way you choose to respond to that, with grace and respect, that shows your ultimate character.

I was cleaning up my house the other day and came across a picture of someone I had been friends with for nearly 16 years. Long time for sure. We've had our ups and downs, fake ups, and ultimately our last down. In the picture we must have been maybe 15 years old. I can remember my life at that time slowly starting to fall apart. 15 year olds aren't suppose to have that much pain in their lives, and at the time, we both had things going on that no one should ever go through. But separately and together we smiled and pushed through it a way a 15 year old would. A picture speaks a 1000 words, gives a million memories, and sends out so much emotion you can barely stand. The socks we were wearing touched my heart, the sweaters, the colour of my room, the stuffed animals that casually sprawled out on my bed and the smiles on our faces that may or may not have been real, made me sad and confused and hurt all at the same time. A simple picture. I went to throw it out, instead I carefully removed it from the frame, merely folded it in two, and put it in a box. That time of my life is over but for some reason I couldn't throw it out. It was almost as if I was about to throw out 16 years of my life. Which I theoretically have but I wasn't sure I so tangibly wanted to do it just yet. So I kept it.

For me, it was time to end the friendship. With no ill will towards her, she is a certain person, as am I, and the toxicity between the two of us was awful. Did I feel bad? Certainly. I think I felt the most bad that I didn't do it sooner, that I thought we couldn't make a friendship work because I was too sick. I so often feel that I have to be able to befriend everyone in my life and if I can't then there must be something wrong with me. I can find something great in everyone and the fact that I couldn't find a good reason to keep this person in my life made me feel sick. It's like you're trapped in love where you just want to try and try and try to make it work, knowing very well in the back of your mind, in the depth of your soul... it never will. So I ended it, in a maybe not so conventional way but in the best way I knew how. And for me that's all that mattered. I knew very well what would happen... and it did. Which validated every reason in my books, plus many more I didn't even know existed, about why I had to eliminate this person from my life. I would never dream of saying the things to her she said to me, would never plan her demise as she mine. A girl who once gave me the keys to her place to feed her sweet little cats, now wishes I had nothing but hate in my life. If nothing else, it hurts, and I'm sure she is more than thrilled that I feel hurt from her. Truth is, as I anticipated, a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders now that the longest chapter of my life has come to a close. It's not a crime to not want someone in your life, no matter how long they have been a permanent fixture. It's not a sign of weakness to release the negative, to do what's best for you. It's not my Eating Disorder talking, I want to be rid of that as much as I want to be rid of bad friendships, so I knew what I had to do. I just know I possess more respect, more class, and more dignity.

This Post Took Me Weeks To Write... Ironic I'd Say.

Recovery attempt number 5623.25

 or close to. 

Certainly feels that high anyway.

The most important thing to do when it comes to recovery, is to do everything that makes you uncomfortable. Anything that makes you fearful. Do everything you don't want to do. Essentially, what you're doing right now... stop... and do the opposite.

When I say do everything you don't want to do... it's more of an illusion of the things you don't want to do that you do in fact really really want to do.

In this case, the things that I want to do.

I think that was incredibly confusing, I hope you followed me there.

1. Go to Yoga. I mean everyone, just go to yoga, not just me. It will enrich your life so much, keep you grounded when you need it most, give you a soft kick when you need a little motivation and most importantly, you'll learn how to breathe. Yoga scares the shit out of me right up until the moment I walk through the doors and lay down my mat. And then suddenly nothing matters during my practice except me and what I'm taking from each class. I psych myself up so bad that I believe I'm the worst person to ever do yoga, that I will never be good at it and I am SURE everyone is watching me and judging me. Only when I start a practice do I realize how ridiculous I am and not a single person is watching me. I kinda love it though, every time I leave a class I feel like it's the first time I'm doing yoga all over again. Whether I have been going four times a week or haven't been in a month, I leave with the same amount of gratitude, love and clarity and that is the best motivation of all.

2. Run. If you are put into inpatient or daytime inpatient treatment in the hospital, running, walking, and yoga are not acceptable. Walking farther than one subway station isn't even allowed. This may work for some people but it is a weighty component of what is keeping me from entering inpatient treatment. I'm aware I exercise too much, but I also know it helps my soul and my mood. I simply need to find a balance between the two and I'm sure it's out there waiting for me at the top of a mountain somewhere. Running for me is so freeing, and such a sense of accomplishment. It takes away anxiety for me and allows me to think with a more level head, and calms me down enough that I can sleep at night. My only problem is that I don't eat enough to go as far as I'd like to, or as far as I use to be able to. It's a challenge that I keep unnecessarily pushing, instead of taking a step back and walkin' er out. Learning curve.

3. Get rid of the negative. Seriously, take it and throw it in the trash, put it back where you found it and just get it out of your life, immediately. No one has ever benefited from having anything toxic or negative in their life. If it's a living situation, change it. If it's your job, fix it or find a new one. Boyfriend/Girlfriend, friend, enemy... if there is really no way to change the situation to make it better and it is only bringing you down, you know what you have to do. Any chaos that results from it don't take it personally, just know that it's their shit they are dealing with and you did what was best for you. Move on and take care of you.

4. Speak your mind. Being silent in recovery is the worst thing you can possibly do. I often find myself restricting my voice on so many levels for so many reasons. Sometimes I'm afraid of hurting someone's feelings, I think what I'm about to say is stupid or incredibly unimportant, I'm afraid I'm wrong or simply that people don't care much. But the more I restrict my voice the more I cocoon myself into my eating disorder. Reality is, what I have to say is important, if not to other people but to me. Bottling things up destroys you from the inside out. Frankly, things we say aren't going to fly with everyone, people will disagree, but also, so many people will embrace your thoughts and feelings. Speaking your mind allows you to form closer relationships and lets people into your mind. Pretty terrifying stuff... I know.

5. Date. Hahaha. I know right? Dating is human nature, to those unattached of course. Or secretly dating for those of you that are attached. Hey, I don't judge. Dating may be, hands down, the most nerve-rackingly, uncomfortable thing I can put myself through. I have to talk, there is no getting away from that. I have to pretend I'm normal, and be witty and entertaining for a few hours. If you know how socially awkward I can be at times, you know how strange this gets for me. I have to hold someone else's attention and share things about myself. It's scary for me to share even what I did the day before with someone, never mind anything remotely personal. There is surely no getting out of that though. And I have to eat sometimes, and smile and laugh while I'm doing it so this foreign person doesn't think I'm completely off balance in life. I'll share with you an experience I had the other day... I went on a date with this really great guy, and pretty late too, so I naturally expected that I wasn't going to have to go out and eat by this point. Boy was I mistaken. I'm trying to be as normal as possible in most social situations, so I reluctantly agreed to head to a place I have very much been avoiding for a very long time. It scares me, and he scares me and the entire scenario just scared me, so I knew I had to do it. And I ate, everything I don't eat, and I laughed and I actually had a really great time. Now I'm just trying to figure out how to break the news to him that I indeed don't eat those things and it was completely a one time thing, I just really didn't want him to think I was weird. I think this point goes back to speaking my mind, but hey, I'm workin on it. The other part about dating that I have severe issues with is that you don't know where it's going to lead at any given moment. I need to, and prefer to, take things slow. It's that awkward end of date where you don't know whether to go in for the hug or to gently pull them in for that sweet kiss. Or that moment they ask to come up and you want to run screaming... I mean, I want to run screaming. It's hard, for me at least, to explain where I'm at and way easier for me to head for the hills. So generally by date two you can expect me to make excuses for why I'm busy, and eventually you'll never hear from me again. I find it's rare to meet a guy who doesn't expect a lot by date three, and I also think I'm a rare case that would much rather get to know someone... well... before anything else happens. I'm guarded, a bit jaded, and am incredibly careful who I let into my home. I've had some not so great things happen to me in the past and I will do everything in my power to be sure that who I'm with respects me and my body. So if you happen to date me... be gentle.

6. Get out of the house. This is a lot of the times the hardest thing for me to do. Sometimes, I just don't feel like it. The hard part isn't necessarily removing myself from my house, but to actually interact with other people outside of my house. I'm more than content to grab a coffee and spend my entire day, alone, perusing the city. It's when I have to be social that gets me. Shocking? Didn't think so. I don't know what to expect, I don't like surprise outings, I'm nervous to meet new people for fear of them thinking I'm strange. Maybe I'll have to go to that restaurant I've been trying to avoid forever, maybe I'll have to consume more calories than I allotted for the day, maybe I just don't want to talk or be seen, maybe I'm fatter today than I was yesterday, my shirt could be white instead of black, fuck, I could virtually find any reason under the sun to not have to go out. And I for the most part do grasp at every reason in the book. This is one aspect that I definitely need to try harder at, and I will, I swear.

So here is me trying to be accountable for my actions for the 5623.25th time. Ugh. Recovery is beyond exhausting. I get negative sometimes (understatement of the century) I know, and 95% of the time I believe recovery is impossibly over rated. Ha. I give you permission to give me a good swift kick in the butt if I need it, but please, in the most polite way. Don't hesitate to bring to my attention that I do, in truth, want this, need this, crave recovery. Sometimes I need someone to tell me to snap out of it and get back on track.

Le Sigh... This road is an infinity... Who knows where it will take us next.